I’m recovering. Kinda.

This is going to be short. It’s late at night, I’ve had too much red wine, I’m tired, sad, and my gut hurts.

I had my gallbladder out a week ago. Those of you who follow me on Instagram would know, but I didn’t write about it. I’ve been recovering and just went back into the office today. I experienced a common after-effect of surgery – depression – which thankfully didn’t last but was disconcerting regardless.

The sadness lingers but yesterday I could finally feel it starting to lift. My middle still hurts but each day is an improvement. Bruce has been in touch most days to send me wishes that I’m feeling better. It comforts me he’s been in touch – perhaps he wasn’t lying about it not being me. He’s been consistent in that he’s not calling, not having long conversations. Which is fine. Continue reading

When attraction is timeless.

Claude rang the buzzer many flights down in our apartment building with no lift. He’s fit but it still took him a while to get up all of the stairs. He looked exactly as I expected. Yes, twenty years older, but the man I remembered. We greeted with kisses on each cheek and a lingering hug.

He said hello to Liam, who was distracted with his iPad. Claude and I went upstairs: he’d brought snacks and drinks. He was a good caregiver the few days and evenings we spent together. As independent as I am, I like a man who has the right balance of respecting me as an equal and knowing when I need water or proactively ordering me a glass of cava.  Continue reading

You can train for Axe, but not for kindness.

Life has been a little hectic the last few weeks. Not just with sex parties and disappointment, but also time with friends and some additional work responsibilities that have made my days far more intense.

I didn’t want to get too behind on writing so I put up two posts about Ray, the one who reached out on FetLife and with whom I had an unconventional but nice first date.

Some of you may have noticed I didn’t talk much about Ray; just how things went down with us. It was deliberate but only so I could get through the date itself. He’s an interesting guy and is yet another man who makes me think through what I want, versus what I actually need, and how the two intersect. Continue reading

A picture of a tall man for texts

Kyle’s 5 day postmortem.

Monday was the date where Kyle said he’d like to see more of me, and agreed he would try to be more responsive to texts. I figured it would be good for me to write about how things go with him, to help keep me honest. Not that I’m not honest… but it’s easier to ignore a reality I don’t like when it’s not staring me in the face.

Hy and I share a quirk which I find interesting – and it’s about how we perceive time. I’ve written about this in relation to Tony and I don’t think I got my point across very well. I’m not sure exactly why this is, but I tend to think more time has passed than it has.  Continue reading

The pursuit of Kyle.

I’ve avoided writing about him, but granted there is little to say. I’ve admitted I can’t get him out of my head – the man with whom I have three great times together, physical and intellectual chemistry, and who has a terrible track record of bailing on dates.

Kyle.

His appeal to me isn’t the chase; he’s on the surface very close to what I’m looking for, with some added bonuses. Crazily tall, dark, and handsome. A good job and unthreatened by mine, long-ago divorced with a good relationship with his ex, a family man who has taken his Mom on vacations. Intellectual banter and humor. Great kissing chemistry. And although I haven’t seen it, he seems to be packing a lot in his pants. Continue reading

Coming back to life.

There’s been enough drama with Leo that I haven’t written about my injury and recovery lately.

The combination of a broken bone and extensive ligament damage means it’s been a long haul. Over two months in a non weight-bearing cast, then a month in a walking boot. I have a plate and several screws in my leg and I have a beautiful 5″ scar on the outside of my ankle.

I still walk with pain and with a limp, and because of that limp I have pain in my tailbone, which fucking sucks. My ankle and foot remain swollen and it could be the same for many more months. I’ve just been diagnosed with needing two months of physiotherapy, 3-5 times a week. How I’m going to find time for that I have no idea. Continue reading

A personal moral compass.

With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.

My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading

Vacations are the kiss of death for my relationships.

I broke up with Leo three nights ago. I’d been writing about how I felt about him and doing my usual processing of things. I’d spoken to my Mom earlier in the week and decided I’d just see how things played out. There was no “burning platform” to break up. No crazy blog-finding (Fox) or police action (HWSNBN) or wives who found out about a relationship (Tony).

I decided to see how the next few weeks went, now that I’m finally relatively physically mobile and we could have more active dates. It had been 5 weeks without any Tony contact and I was working my way through that.

But the decision wasn’t sitting well in my brain. Continue reading

Apologies if I confused you.

Thanks to the reader who sent me an email about this, or I wouldn’t have known.

Yesterday, I looked at some of my draft posts, including those about the man I refer to as “He Who Shall Not Be Named” (HWSNBN). I took all of the posts off the blog after some nasty shit went down between us that culminated in the police getting involved.

Anyway, I read one such post, called Intimacy with friends and lovers, and noticed it had some passages quite similar to what I’ve been writing about Leo. I decided to put the post back into “published” status, and did so on my phone, not realizing some of you would get that post via email.

So to any of you who read that post thinking it was about Leo, it wasn’t. Apologies!

Oh, and I also seem to have posted my last post (It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?) with the wrong time, so not sure it showed up in anyone’s feed. Not my day, I guess.

Period sex, exclusivity, and a boyfriend.

I’m writing this on my phone, on the beach on the sun, whilst Leo is playing beach volleyball 100 metres  away. Apologies for any mistakes…I will fix them when I’m at my computer again.

We are on Day 3 of 5. It’s been very nice so far.

My body failed me and decided to start my period the first day of our trip. I knew there would be some overlap but was expecting it to be wrapping up by the start. Leo said he didn’t care, thank goodness. But menstrual cramps and having to jump to the bathroom to take out a tampon as a man starts to put his hands down your pants is super annoying. Continue reading