the universe sometimes provides what you need

I may be dropped, but I bounce.

So, Jack broke up with me. It’s been a pretty rare occurrence in the past four years, which I suppose makes me lucky. Not that I haven’t been heartbroken, but I usually do the ending it.

I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I hadn’t fallen in love, and I appreciated Jack’s honesty and reasonably early recognition that he wasn’t emotionally ready for any form of relationship. On the other hand, I really liked Jack and saw potential with him, and am frustrated with how things played out.

Of course, I do wonder if he will come to a later conclusion that I also wasn’t the right person for him. I still don’t know if readiness can be forced, or overlooked, for the right person. Continue reading

We spoke. It’s over.

After almost 36 hours of complete silence, Jack finally texted me back. I’d sent a text saying “good morning, when can we talk today?” and he replied with “We can speak around 4 or after 10 tonight. Have a great day.”

I didn’t reply with what I wanted to say (“Have a great day? Seriously?”) but simply said, “4 it is”.

It was difficult to focus at work and I resented him for deliberately (yes, it was) leaving me hurt and anxious.

And when I picked up the phone, this is what he said:

“Ann, I’m not over my last girlfriend.  Continue reading

The world is small, the dating world, smaller.

Two of my friends are freshly separated – less than a year. They are in the midst of negotiating settlements and getting used to their new normal. Both have recently started dating and we have an ongoing three-way text chat to share our highs and lows. And dick pics.

The first friend is looking only for casual sex. She’s on Adult Friend Finder. One guy she met had the same name as someone I went on one date with, perhaps three years ago. It’s not a common name but not rare, either. She shared a picture (as we tend to do) and I didn’t recognize him.

They went on a date a week or so later. She mentioned they went back to his place, where it was located, and that he had some erection trouble. My spidey sense tingled. “Hey, can you share a pic?” I asked, via text. 

Oh good lord.

It was the same guy. The first pic he had sunglasses on but the second was his LinkedIn profile.

The hilarity ensued. I don’t think I wrote about him – if I did it’s buried in a text about dating fails – because as nice as our date was, he was weird when we got back to his place and he wasn’t able to perform. Hence why he’s not on my “men I had sex with” list.

What we both found funny is we are polar opposites in looks – I’m blonde, fair, and curvy, and she is a dark-skinned, lithe athlete. He has good taste, that’s for sure.

They had a rather chill fuck buddy situation for several weeks. She never told him we knew each other lest it freak him out. 

Then yesterday I was hanging out with the other friend. She’d had a good first date with a man named Leo who was from the same country as my Leo. But not the same guy – we checked. I asked her if she had any more dates lined up.

“Not really,” she said, “but there’s another guy from [foreign country] who is there right now but I may see him when he’s back”.

Hmm. Same country as someone I used to date. But that’s common. Still.

“What’s his name?”

“Sevag.”

Ummm. 

“Hey do you have a picture?” 

It was him. He Who Shall Not Be Named. I told her the highlights of our story, which are removed from the blog – the intense first few dates, his third date declaration of love, his stalking my social media which led to his finding my blog, his descent into crazy jealousy, the threats and the police getting involved.

She isn’t going to keep in touch with him. I hated being the bearer of bad news, but she doesn’t like what she now knows he’s capable of.

Oh, and she used to be best friends with Tony’s again-wife, and she’s work friends with Jack’s ex-wife.

I live in a big city and continue to be amazed at how small it seems to be. I suspect this will keep happening. 

A death in the friend family.

He was a friend, admirer, and protector. Never a lover. He was like the older brother I never had. 

A decade-plus older with way more work experience, he was one of the first colleagues to help me understand how good of a leader I actually am. He was crusty and opinionated but looked up to me. As an independent contractor he could work with anyone, and he chose to work for me. I was humbled by his praise.

I was blessed by his presence in my life.

During one of the projects we worked together on he took a pastry course. We all looked forward to Wednesday mornings when the treats would arrive. Never fully satisfied with his work, he rebuffed our compliments, said through stuffed mouths. He always showed up on time to my parties. He was single the whole time I knew him and at first I assumed he was gay. Turned out after his last long-term relationship he’d tired of trying, and spent his time doting on his nieces and nephews. But he always had relationship advice for me.

He was the one who called me the day after my party, where HWSNBN lost his shit, to make sure I was okay. He made me promise to end it and offered to do anything I needed to keep me safe.

At my party, HWSNBN had told him to “fuck off” after he made a nice comment about my legs. Blind with jealousy, HWSNBN couldn’t see the friendship and teasing behind the comment. And his anger at my friend helped cement his demise. No asshole was going to come between me and the people I choose to surround myself with.

The last time I saw him he sat in one of my comfy chairs, joked about my cast, then quietly disclosed his recent absence from my life was due to depression, not a physical illness as I’d feared. He was starting to realize it was okay to share, but knew his pride and stubborn nature got in the way. 

We promised to see each other soon.

That was February. 

And now I mourn the loss. His death was sudden and unexpected, and a reminder to try to live every day as if it was not only my last day, but my friends and family’s as well.

dating like teenagers

What are we, 16?

There was the epic makeout session that felt like the long-ago days of being in the basement, listening for parents feet on the stairs so as not to get caught with tongues down throats and hands down pants. The early days of dating can be so much fun.

There is the feeling of not being able to get enough of someone.

I’m not relationship dumb like I was at 16, but it doesn’t mean I’m not acting like a teen at times. Continue reading

How long before I say its over?

My Dad asked me how long it takes for me to know someone isn’t right for me, how long to assess relationship compatibility? A pretty good question, frankly.

I talked about how I know within minutes how good the intellectual chemistry is with someone. On the positive extreme there was Tony and now Jack. We have that elusive quick-witted and humorous banter. On the other extreme are men with whom the conversation is forced or dull. I can make a conversation happen with anyone, but I don’t want to have to do all the work.

It’s similar with physical chemistry. The very good and very bad are sussed out during the first kiss. I also know whether any first-time sex awkwardness is due to needing to learn each other, versus terrible physical chemistry. Continue reading

A 21-hour date wasn’t enough.

Jack and I had an overnight date planned – a late dinner one night, and a midday sporting double date the next.

He had a hospital visit after work so arrived around 8 pm. I said I’d be fine to stay in if he preferred, but he insisted he wanted to go out. Beer and wine in hand we chilled and chatted on my couch. As he started to relax and come down after his crazy 10 days he decided he’d rather order in. It was fine by me.

I can’t even remember all of the things we talked about. Our day-to-day lives, work, politics, relationship. It continues to flow so easily with him. Continue reading

Cognitive biases are dangerous in dating.

Confirmation bias: The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.

In other words, once we believe something to be true, we ignore evidence that contradicts said belief and focus on the evidence that does.

This can work in your favor if people think you’re good at your job, or you’re smart, or any other positive attribute. But there are downsides. Once someone has doubts about you, it is incredibly difficult for you to overcome them.

We all have these cognitive biases (there are so many!), and being aware of them is the first step to moving past them. Continue reading

He opened his eyes

He opened his eyes.

After a weekend with our respective children, Jack and I had a date. It’s a blossoming early relationship.

Midway through the day, we connected to finalize plans. He told me he was sorry but he wasn’t going to see me as early as expected: he had to go to the hospital to visit his parent. It was going to be 9 pm before he would arrive.

I was disappointed but obviously understood a critically ill parent took precedence, especially given he hadn’t been able to visit for a few days due to his move. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go for a late bite to eat, have a drink, and go back to my place. Deal. Continue reading

after the first dinner date

After two dates: first, the excitement

After kissing him goodbye at my front door at the end of our epic first dinner date, I floated up the stairs and texted him to say thank you for the amazing night. I also gave him my real mobile number so we could get off the sluggish burner app.

He replied with a simple “good night, text you there tomorrow”. 

The next morning, the other man I’d agreed to meet from POF cancelled our date. He too is moving houses and he said while he wasn’t normally this flighty, he really needed more time to deal with the house and his children. It was fine by me, I was exhausted.

As promised, Jack texted. He asked how I slept then remembered I was supposed to be at brunch (I didn’t tell him who with) and I replied that it was blissfully cancelled and asked him how he was doing. He didn’t reply.  Continue reading