I spent the last thirty minutes reading my Tony posts from a year ago. For all of you who stuck with me, I’m sorry it’s taken me so doggone long to finally move on. I blocked him yesterday – he won’t be able to call or text me. It’s so clear to me now that a conversation with him will do me no good.
So until I will be fine, I won’t do it. Maybe in a few weeks I will think I’m okay, just to find out I’m wrong. Regardless, right now it’s a relief to not have to think about talking to him.
Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.
Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.
But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.
To read about my first and second dates with Leo the technician, follow this link.
We had our third date this past weekend. He arrived early – traffic wasn’t as bad as he’d thought – and I opened my door to him in a bathrobe, wet hair, and a towel. He was all over me and I before too long I was naked on my bed, moaning as he worked his magic.
One reason I like bigger guys is I feel small. I love the feeling of being enveloped by a man. Preferably one with a fuzzy chest and strong arms. Between orgasms, I coiled my fingers in Leo’s grey chest hair and enjoyed the stillness with someone who was all kinds of available to me. I was calm and comfortable.
Half groaning and laughing, he told me I felt amazing in his arms. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He said “Ann, you are sexy as FUCK. I don’t know whether to kiss you, hug you, or bite you.”
I need to get caught up here, because I don’t want to keep taking writing shortcuts. There are things going on in my head which I need to unpack – and sometimes it takes a whole post to do so. But I can’t do that if I haven’t introduced the situations or characters.
I have closed my Bumble and Adult Friend Finder accounts. I’m not taking any new applicants for the time being. I met a couple of men from AFF, two who haven’t made it to the blog were good pre-clearance dates but nothing came of it. One went away for a week’s trip and I never heard from him upon his return. The other I told I wasn’t going to be able to make time for a second date any time soon. Continue reading →
Believe the words a man tells you; that he loves you, that you are unlike anyone else in his life, that although you aren’t going to be intimate anymore he doesn’t want to lose you in his life. Believe he can’t possibly be so deceitful that he’s letting two women think the same thing when it comes to his love and commitment to them. Justify staying intimate with him by telling yourself she can’t possibly believe he’s romantically in love with her.
After you break up for the final time, spend a fair amount of mental calories debating whether to block him from contacting you. Believe he will be the one to reach out. Think about ways you need to be strong to get through the breakup without reverting. Believe he will be the one that suffers more in your absence, than you in his. (Note: this is perhaps dangerously close to hubris)
If you don’t know the history of Jake, you may want to read his back story (and as a sidebar, if any of you know how to get the results of a Tag search to come up oldest to newest, please let me know!).
He and I are both seeking similar things – an exclusive, very sexual, intellectual relationship. One where perhaps the occasional additional pleasure will be sought out with others, but always together.
While relationship may be too strong a word to describe what Jake and I have, it’s one of the most honest and open I’ve ever had.
He’s never tried to hide from me that he’s dating others, nor has he been too open with information I don’t want. He’s told me the nature of his interactions without being specific. For example, when we were both on POF, he said he was sometimes on there late on night when he was bored (honest!) or when he gets a message. He knows I could see when he was online or last online, so instead of leaving me wondering he told me head on. Continue reading →
Lewis and I hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks – mostly due to my vacation schedule. Unless I’m willing to see someone when I have Liam, I’m on a two week cycle. And sex with Lewis is rather, ahem, vigorous.
I wrote my last post while waiting for him to come over. It was a mostly typical Lewis encounter that night. We have a drink, talk about work (this time there wasn’t much talking), we go upstairs, undress, but of foreplay, he pounds away forever, we talk more, he goes home.
In some ways it was a bit different.
I greeted him at the door naked except for lace panties, with his drink in my hand. Hence why the shop talk was cut short. Continue reading →
I’d had a lot of time over the last few months to try to figure out, without overanalyzing, what the fuck Kyle’s deal was. I didn’t doubt his interest in me – he had the intention to see me / date me – however in practice it completely fell down.
Bottom line, dating me was not a priority. I would have bet he wasn’t dating others, so I didn’t get the sense he had other women that came first. Of course, being the last wife in the harem holds no appeal to me. It was harder to accept that even if I was the only one he was interested in, his behavior was still uncool. Continue reading →