This is going to be short. It’s late at night, I’ve had too much red wine, I’m tired, sad, and my gut hurts.
I had my gallbladder out a week ago. Those of you who follow me on Instagram would know, but I didn’t write about it. I’ve been recovering and just went back into the office today. I experienced a common after-effect of surgery – depression – which thankfully didn’t last but was disconcerting regardless.
The sadness lingers but yesterday I could finally feel it starting to lift. My middle still hurts but each day is an improvement. Bruce has been in touch most days to send me wishes that I’m feeling better. It comforts me he’s been in touch – perhaps he wasn’t lying about it not being me. He’s been consistent in that he’s not calling, not having long conversations. Which is fine. Continue reading →
A cousin of mine lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, and her son and mine got along famously the last time we had a family reunion. For almost two years, Liam has asked when we would visit: we chose Easter weekend.
I’ve never had such a comedy of errors while travelling, and for someone who has done a significant amount of business and personal travel, that’s saying something. Continue reading →
The hot: Our last (and second) overnight date saw Leo continue our fisting adventure, this time adding double penetration with his hands and the Hitachi, for long enough at times I almost saw stars.
I could kiss him for hours.
The sweet: Every time he woke up that night, he wrapped me in his arms. He would nuzzle the back of my neck. He gives me bear hugs and tells me how good I feel.
He sends sweet memes.
The work-in-progress: He’s working on his weight loss. A good start, but a long way to go. It’s had an impact on his – ahem – ability to perform. It’s clearly not a deal-breaker for me at this point. Continue reading →
Sometimes I feel like my weight and fitness level is the remaining area of my life where I don’t have a good handle on things. I think I can write that here without eye rolling or backlash, because hopefully any of you who’ve read more than a handful of my posts know I believe I can always progress further in everything. I never sit back and say “wow hey I’m all that and anyone should be lucky to have me.” I’m not egotistical. Yuck.
I guess said another way, I’m confident about having my shit together with work and career, parenting (most days), friendships, money… so many of the things by which we tend to measure life success. I also think I can improve on those fronts. But while I am confident about how I look most days (biologically gifted with height, a decently pleasing countenance, and hair my stylist reminds me every time I see her that people pay literally hundreds of dollars to achieve), I’m not as fit as I should be. I’d like to weigh about 15 lbs less, and have a smoother ass.
As much as I have come to love my body in the last few years, its ability to feel pleasure from so many things other women struggle with (orgasms every which way – yay!), and the pleasure it gives to others… I want to be fitter. Continue reading →
I fell off the wagon with updates, and with progress. Such is life. Mental progress was made about Tony; perhaps that should have been my #1 goal instead of weight loss, because that’s been a pretty big one.
Lose at least 10 lbs. My real goal is 18 but at the very least I want to fit into a particular suit and dress, and I know 2 lbs a week every week is not going to happen.
NOPE NOPE NOPE | Perhaps I should modify this goal. I haven’t really tried other than increasing my physical activity. I’ve been good on vacation; every day Liam and I have played tennis, or frisbee, or catch. I was determined to move my body and I’ve done that.
I’m sure most of the women reading this are saying “yeah, bikini? so?”.
Let me rephrase: I bought my first bikini EVER.
Yes. I haven’t worn a bikini since I was a toddler.
I haven’t talked much about my past weight struggles on this blog. While I was never obese (well, I was according to BMI) my weight always fluctuated. When I was 14 I was 5’10” and 140 pounds…I had that long leggy look I wish I still had (Taylor Swift is that weight, for what it’s worth).
But then puberty did its thing with my hips and my relationships with men dictated whether I was heavier or lighter. I had a tendency to eat like they did and of course it didn’t work for my metabolism. At my heaviest in high school, I was the same weight I am today. Continue reading →
Cara asked me if Tony and I had broken up or if we are on a break. It’s a fair question.
I have to think about it as a break up, from a brain / logic perspective. I need to move on, date, assume I will never again rest my head on his fuzzy chest. I need to try to not think about what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with. I know some of his issues are situational but many are just who he is. He’s not worth the aggravation and pain and all that. And he probably doesn’t love me the way I think he does – inertia is strong with him and perhaps he just couldn’t be bothered saying he didn’t feel that way about me.
The first was about Will and his job change. That worked out okay, as he hasn’t sued me for child support and his job hasn’t yet required him to make major life changes. Although it’s been an adjustment for both Liam and I to be back to week on / week off parenting, it’s much better for Liam and ultimately, for me.
The second was about Tony, and what the hell I was going to do with him. I ended things with him almost two weeks ago – am 99% sure it’s permanent – and so at least resolved the stress of the unknown. Even though I’m still sad and angry at times. it’s all natural, and I’m feeling all the gross feelings and working through it, day by day.
But today, I am beyond thrilled to say I am no longer redundant. I’ve been offered a position with the same company, and it’s a great opportunity. I’m thrilled. While I was willing to find a new home if necessarily, I really didn’t want to. I’ve been on the change train enough the last 18 months.
So I think a few drinks are in order; weight loss be damned for the moment. Cheers!
There’s good and bad in my life right now. And as I’m busy getting my shit in order, I’m not writing. The thoughts are just roaming around in my head, aimlessly.
A brief update for those who care:
The Party & The Comedian
The party on Friday night was great fun. I hadn’t heard from the Comedian and figured he wouldn’t show up. But he did. Out of the blue. It was a nice time with him, and weird to be with someone who other guests (and their children) immediately recognized.
The Comedian decided to leave a little early. After he gave me a hug and the kind of kiss that meets delightfully partially on ones lips, my drunken friend the host pushed me out the door after him, insisting – out loud – that he must simply make out with me on her porch. He muttered something to me about his life being up in the air, and walked away.
In some ways I’m glad he didn’t try to kiss me, because I had planned to tell him about Tony. But on the other hand, I was irritated that there was obviously something going on with him and he didn’t tell me about it. Nor has he contacted me since.
I was home alone last night, and still am this morning. In stark contrast to last Saturday, yesterday I got a good sleep, had a long lunch with a friend I’ve known for over 30 years, where we talked of love and infertility and her decision to use a sperm donor to have a child, in the absence of a man in her life, did a bunch of errands (including what I hope is a lovely pay-it-forward good deed), and tackled some things on my long-ignored to-do list.
I love to-do lists, but the down side is when I don’t tackle things, I feel their weight on me, oh so heavy, and their constant mockery that they are incomplete. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed at home when I know I really should get around to cleaning off my desk. Continue reading →