date night couch tony dan

Thursday night: freedom, then trapped…on the couch

Thursday night was the “date night” Tony referred to in a conversation earlier in the week. We had no date-like plans, which was fine by me. I took some more of my freedom back today, but ended up trapped anyway…on the couch.

It was an awesome day, to be honest. I herded cats real hard at work, had a coffee date with a man I haven’t seen in over a year (more to come), and continued my journey of speaking my truth and closing doors.

I’ve maintained the burner phone number app for many months – I got it first to communicate with Tony, but then used it primarily for online dating. I’d recommend it to anyone. Continue reading

Dinner date with Zane

Wednesday night: declined sex yet again

Something may be wrong with me, people: I had the opportunity to get laid and said: “no worries, I’m tired too.” But, my dinner date didn’t end as planned. Perhaps it’s a phase. Perhaps it’s personal growth.

Nah.

Zane and I had our concert date. He’s not very familiar with the city core and also seems a bit directionally challenged. It’s interesting to me; while I recognize everyone has different skill sets and am pretty understanding, for some reason it’s irritating to me when men I date lack that particular skill. Continue reading

Monday night: Tony and a different kind of workout

I wish I could write about my new fitness regime, like some, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet. My head has been up my ass with work and life. Emotional health, but not physical. Sex has been my only exercise.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I did get back on skates last week, which was terribly nerve-wracking given my accident a year ago… but very satisfying once I did it. I was proud of myself. And didn’t fall. I’m getting on skis for the first time in 20 years this weekend…keep your fingers crossed for me.

I did pretty well with my physical health for a while. I’d been seeing my personal trainer for over a year, except my stuck-on-the-couch-because-I-was-broken phase. Last Fall, he got fired from the private fitness center he worked at because he refused to work extended hours. He was amazing and I didn’t want to work with someone else. I was also irritated at how management dealt with letting me know, so there’s been no personal training for me.  Continue reading

I’m not sure how much “space” I’ve actually created

do feel quieter, mentally. It’s all relative, I suppose. I still wake up with thoughts of lost friendship and lost potential, but it’s the exception, not the rule. I don’t miss online dating. I’d left one app on my phone called Inner Circle – it’s new-ish and proved to be completely useless: only two men in my city on the app over the age of 38, my height or more, with a college education and children. TWO.

If I removed the “children” requirement there were maybe twenty.

A 28 year-old tall handsome professional reached out to me. He said he loved older women and I seemed to be exactly his type. He was interesting and articulate and figured I had nothing to lose by responding. We texted back and forth for a week. He flaked on a date we’d booked for tonight and I didn’t care one bit. Continue reading

tony is getting a divorce

My Tony divorce thoughts

I’m sharing this here to get my thinking straight about Tony’s potential divorce. I have clarity in this moment and am sure someday I will need to come back to this post to ground myself in what I know is right.

First, given what I’ve observed in the past, Tony’s divorce will take forever to happen, assuming it even does. He took six months to fully move back in after they decided he would. He doesn’t do anything quickly.

Of course, Mary is the wild card here. I don’t know, and don’t need to know, how much of this decision is driven by her. I certainly believe the best thing for anyone, in any divorce, is to do it as quickly as possible. But this isn’t my circus and they aren’t my monkeys. Continue reading

tony is getting a divorce

Tony is getting divorced.

No, that’s not a typo. Tony, who a year ago moved back in with his wife after a separation of almost two years, is getting a divorce.

He mentioned it succinctly in a discussion about the things stressing him out. I’d known about the work stuff, but divorce wasn’t what I was expecting. Some things clicked into place – how he was able to be at my place over a weekend, and an offhand comment that we wouldn’t need to use the burner number soon.

I know the man well enough to know peppering him with questions wasn’t the way to go. I told him I was sorry to hear it. I asked if it was for real, and he said it was. I could see his tears just under the surface.

Continue reading

Christmas dinner turkey

The Plumber came over for Christmas, and other stories.

I write this from a country pub on the same property as the small cottage I’ve booked for myself the next two nights. It’s the kind of cottage I should be sharing with a lover or boyfriend. Fireplace, king bed, outdoor spa, indoor soaker tub, fluffy white bathrobes. But despite three men asking if they can join me, I’m staying here solo. Christmas dinner is over and my house (and I) have fully recovered.

I’m here to write. But what I’ve done so far is eat fish tacos, drink a large glass of local Chardonnay, unsuccessfully try to figure out how to import my posts into Scrivener, flirt with my hot bartender, talk to the adorable young couple next to me, and give the female some perspective on her parent’s divorce this summer, after 37 years of marriage. She was bereft that her Mom is already dating someone, who showed up for Christmas dinner.  Continue reading

the new suitor

Zane is interested; I’m flattered

The attention of a new suitor feels amazing. I also need to be careful, since I’m somewhat… um… delicate at the moment. The volume of dating failures this year has hit me hard and I recognize some nice attention may blind me to yellow or red flags.

My desire for simplicity and focus on the right things hasn’t changed. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m getting back in the dating game. But I remain open to possibility.

No matter what, I am certainly not immune to the attention and flattery of a younger handsome gentleman. Continue reading

The universe has a sense of humor.

Gregory told me once he didn’t believe in fate or things happening for a reason. It was a happy accident the Tinder algorithm decided to show my profile to him. I don’t know what I believe – is it true you get what you put out into the universe? That the universe sends you signs all the time, the key is being open to them?

Could it be someone or something cares enough about what I do that Gregory finding out about my blog is the universe punishing me for any perceived misdeeds with Tony?

I don’t know. I’m a practical sort: I actually don’t spend a lot of my time thinking those big universe type thoughts. I’d like to believe in karma and reincarnation. According to a noted psychic, in one of my past lives, I was a very powerful healer. Dunno. But I do live my life as if it’s the only one I have. Continue reading

Filling my time.

The first line I wrote for this post was “I’m much better than I used to be at not wasting my time with men.”

I stared at it. Erased it twice.

As much as its true that I don’t waste my time with bullshit online anymore – if I know a man doesn’t want what I want, I don’t bother – I could argue I wasted a lot of time with Tony. Continue reading