Opening my OK Cupid profile is not a sign I’m damaged.

In a recent post I made a one-off comment about reopening my OK Cupid profile.

The act was not some admission or proof of my being desperate for a boyfriend or needing someone in my life who gently tucks my hair behind an ear and holds it tightly when he takes me from behind.

I’m good at listening to my gut (even when I choose to ignore it, I usually know what it’s saying). There is no desperation or pull of neediness. My self esteem is not damaged by what happened with Fox or Tony.

On the contrary, I feel fucking awesome about being able to stand up for what I needed in both relationships. Continue reading

How does this happen so quickly, and talking to Tony.

This happens enough that I wonder if there’s some truth to an ability to just “put things out into the universe”. I won’t profess to know either way, but it does make for fun blog posts if nothing else. I can think of at least three past blog posts similar to this one.

Last week, the day I had my morning talk with Tony, I heard from none other than the Comedian. He’d gone silent in the early summer after a string of romantic and sweet messages to me. I figured he had a girlfriend and just couldn’t figure out how to stay in touch as friends.  Continue reading

I’m not even sure how to title this post | Where my head’s at.

There’s good and bad in my life right now. And as I’m busy getting my shit in order, I’m not writing. The thoughts are just roaming around in my head, aimlessly.

A brief update for those who care:

The Party & The Comedian

  • The party on Friday night was great fun. I hadn’t heard from the Comedian and figured he wouldn’t show up. But he did. Out of the blue. It was a nice time with him, and weird to be with someone who other guests (and their children) immediately recognized.
  • The Comedian decided to leave a little early. After he gave me a hug and the kind of kiss that meets delightfully partially on ones lips, my drunken friend the host pushed me out the door after him, insisting – out loud – that he must simply make out with me on her porch. He muttered something to me about his life being up in the air, and walked away.
  • In some ways I’m glad he didn’t try to kiss me, because I had planned to tell him about Tony. But on the other hand, I was irritated that there was obviously something going on with him and he didn’t tell me about it. Nor has he contacted me since.

Continue reading

I invited the wrong man to a party

Let this one be added to my list of f*ckups, which notably include pooing during a threesome, sending my ex husband an email from my blog address, and forgetting to check my chin for hair (who knew?!).

My “boyfriend” Tony is away for 13 days. I’m determined to keep myself busy so I’m not concentrating on the fact that I haven’t heard from him since he left. Also, now that Will is back home and will soon be taking Liam on a week-on week-off basis again, I’m starting to re-engage with life and make plans with friends.

Earlier this week I texted the Comedian, who has been away practicing for a show he’s in. I hadn’t heard from him in a while but was wondering how it was going. Turns out, he’s back in my city. Although he didn’t reach out first (classic behaviour over the last 28 years) he asked when he could see me. Continue reading

Perhaps I should just avoid all electronic communications.

I didn’t see Tony on Friday night as we had originally planned. His work went later than expected (he had given me advance warning of this) and didn’t finish until well after midnight.

My son was with my parents, away for the weekend. I was to join them on Saturday.

I chose to use my alone time to tackle some crap in the house, and to just be…alone. It hasn’t happened much lately, and sometimes I just need my space. While I appreciated the time alone, I’m frustrated with my every-two-week dating pattern with Tony. We are supposed to have a “real” date this Friday. And he might do a late night visit tomorrow night. I really really hope so. Continue reading

Might I have a man choice on my horizon?

I didn’t think I would have this problem. And I’m going to make this post quick because a very wise New Yorker suggested perhaps I write a little bit less and focus on other stuff (he said health, but I’m going to use the found time to get my turntable fixed so I can play the albums my father gave me at Christmas… his ENTIRE music collection).

Last night I was texting Tony a little bit and I sent him a picture…not particularly naughty, but I did think it was sexy. It was of my shoulder, neck, and breast (covered with my hand) showing him that the bruise from last weekend had faded.

He didn’t exactly respond in a manner I thought befitting someone who had just received said photo, so I asked him what he thought and he said: Continue reading

When sickness reigns over the holidays, I kiss a cook.

I am so f*cking sick of being sick.

I was finally starting to feel a bit better last week…the coughing and effects of the pneumonia had subsided, although they were lingering. I no longer had to take liquid codeine to stop coughing so I could sleep at night.

This was progress.

Christmas Eve I did not have my son. I wouldn’t have him until noon on Christmas Day which was the first time EVER he wasn’t with me. It was painful but I managed, with the help of friends and family.

When my parents split, a friend and colleague of my Mother’s invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them. We also spent Christmas with them, and it became a long-standing tradition. The family had two children; a boy a few years older (actually he’s #16 on my list of men I’ve slept with) and a girl my age (Scarlett). We became very close friends. Continue reading

A round up of the horses in the stable

A reader commented on a post recently that there were men in my life who were better for me than the Dog Trainer. I had to stop and think about who the heck those might be.

There hasn’t been much action on the “other guy” front lately but I suppose they are skulking around. Figured I would do a round up of those in the stable, but some have gotten loose.

The Comedian is in touch every few days. We had a nice lunch on a workday a month ago, which he initiated. I know he wants to see me again but he’s been rehearsing in a different city. Our schedules are not that compatible. But he’s not written off yet. I was hoping he would come to the house party (which I subsequently cancelled) but he was away. Turns out my much younger half-brother is a huge fan of his. He would have been smitten and I know it would have been good for the comedian’s ego.

The Lawyer is still around as well, somewhat. For a while we were texting pretty regularly. He would get frustrated because I wasn’t free when he was. Shortly after I’d met Andrew, the Lawyer and I made plans for him to come by one night after my son fell asleep. However his trial ended early and he wanted to come by at 6pm which obviously wasn’t a great time.

He went silent after that and I gave him his space. A few weeks ago I texted him to say hello and he said “crazy busy baby. Told ya. Sometimes I just don’t feel like answering or can’t. Muah. I’ll keep trying you when I’m free and ur never available. But will keep trying.”

Then he reached out to me last week. Told him I was sick. Then when I decided to not to to the gang bang night I texted him to say I was free, but that if he was no longer interested I understood. I did not expect the mini shit storm he unleashed:

“Dude. I messaged you. Enough with the drama. I’m in trial. Enough with the not interested stuff. Enough already.”

It went on from there. I stared at my phone and after the FetLife guy thinking I was too cynical the day before, it gave me pause. Perhaps I need to be even more careful about what I say. I wanted to give the Lawyer an easy out in case he had moved on. I figured he had. After all, it’s been a while.

I was trying to save myself from a bit of pain. But instead, it came across as drama.

I told him I was crystal clear and he wouldn’t hear that from me again. He said he would see whether it would work later that night; that he had a late conference meeting. Then we talked a little bit about his trial, which is lasting more than a month.

I didn’t hear from him until 11:30pm that night so it was just too late. I guess he is interested, just crazy busy. When my schedule frees up in December when Will is back and has our son, the Lawyer is away on vacation. Such is life.

Dan, I truly cannot figure out. Part of me thinks for sure he’s got a girlfriend, the other thinks he’s just a busy recluse. I admit to pursuing him a bit via text message. After we had our night together, I sent him a text every other day or so, then waited a week, then texted him again. Got a response, and then later he spontaneously phoned me. We had a fun chat and he told me he had found someone to fix my car but it would take a while before this guy was ready.

After that, he proactively texted me to see how I was feeling. But I was getting frustrated with the inconsistency. I said, point blank “Do you want to see me again and if so are you going to ask?”

Now. I KNOW that there is really only one answer to the question. It was dumb to ask. He said, simply, “of course”. I told him I was free on Friday, he said he would check his schedule, and as of now it’s radio silence.

He doesn’t strike me as someone who is a player with lots of women around. But he’s definitely not so into me he needs to talk to me every day!! So, like the others, it is what it is. I know the moment I figure he’s gone for good, I will get a text or a phone call. I suppose I should go ahead and find someone else to fix my car.

Finally, there is Hot Actor. Unlike Dan, I’m pretty sure he is navigating several women. Originally he was the one who gave me his number (again) and suggested we get together. Then I told him I got sick and our plans to see each other on a Saturday morning were foiled.

He texts me every morning and we chat briefly. He called me to talk one day that I was at home.

One morning he sent his “good morning” text. I responded, then he sent another “good morning” text. I said “you already said that :P” and his response was that he was talking and texting. Hmm. The thing that went through my mind was actually that he was probably sending his good morning texts to all the women in his phone.

Am I wrong? Too cynical? I suppose.

I told him I was free on Friday night and he said he didn’t know his schedule yet (this was in the same couple of hour period that I had the same conversation with the Cynic Hater).

I said I was free the next night (Tuesday). Tuesday morning we had this exchange:

  • Him: Good morning! How much time do you have tonight?
  • Me: I’m free at 5 ish and would want to be home by 10 so I can get a good sleep.
  • Him: Ok. Let’s leave it to another night so you can regain your strength.
  • Me: I am okay but why doesn’t that work – too early?
  • Him: Just a little.
  • Me: What would work for you?
  • Him: We can leave it for another night when you have time. No worries.
  • Me: Okay. I had a babysitter for tonight so didn’t want it to go to waste. But no problem. Can you let me know what might normally work for you so I know for next time?

Radio. Silence.

My gut tells me he’s got others (which is fine, it’s not like I don’t), but then simultaneously I worry I’m being too cynical. I will just let him come to me at this point.

I would really like a date with a man on Friday night. I’m not sure I will be up for it since I have a big work event on Thursday, but COME ON. Why is this so difficult?

Worst case I could go to that swingers club, since a couple (!) has asked if I would be there on Friday. Hmm. I’ve always liked Unicorns, perhaps I should just be one (and if you don’t know that reference, I’m sorry).

There are two men I’m chatting with on FetLife who are good distractions, but neither are looking for anything more than a casual sexual relationship. However one seems to have many characteristics I’m looking for. We may meet for coffee or a drink after work one night. I’m absolutely NOT going to have a first meeting of any other sort.

I am also going solo to a work event next week. It’s hosted by one of my two bosses and has all of my peers in our division as well. It’s a great night at his house and followed by dinner at one of the top restaurants in the city. I asked a gay male friend from high school but he’s not free.

This is one of the first times I’ve really felt weird not having a date. Anyone interested?

And when I am allowed to reach out to Andrew again? It’s been approximately 10 days. Twice recently I have opened my BBM app and then closed it again. I suppose if I never reach out, he never will, and then I really do have my answer about how much he liked me. I don’t think that’s an answer I want to have.

18 Years Between Kisses | Part 3

Please read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

I was home one night; my friend Katharine had been over for dinner with her children. I was putting my son to bed and my Facebook text app buzzed at me.

It’s Greg.

We had been texting back and forth infrequently but usually it was just a couple of messages here and there. This time, however, he is chatty. We talk about his favorite sport (which he was watching on TV) and that we should catch a game together (his idea). He asks whether “whatshisname” (my ex, Will) had left yet. We talk about parenting.

We joke about the state of homes run by men versus women. About how my job intimidates him. Then out of the blue:

“You scare me a little bit” Continue reading

18 Years Between Kisses | Part 2

Please read here for Part 1.

I never heard from Greg after that night, that I can recall. Perhaps I may have gone to see a show here and there, but we never had another romantic moment.

Sometime in the last several years, we became Facebook friends. There was the occasional “happy birthday” or message on each others pages, but nothing else.

He was married with children, as was I.

He went from working with the troupe to a solo career. He lived in the centre of the television universe – Los Angeles – for many years. He had popular shows and was doing very well. He starred in a Broadway musical (albeit not on Broadway). I would see the occasional news article or commercial…or my Mom would pass on a tidbit. Continue reading