My first breakup by text.

I wrote recently about how Alan’s persistence and being so nice to me when last over at my place made it difficult for me to tell him it was over between us.

The day after his visit, he sent me a series of texts about wanting to go on a trip with me. It was a long list of random places he wanted to go. He said he wanted to travel with me. He thought I would have a good sense of where to go, how to get there or find out, that I wasn’t scared to see and try things.  Continue reading

Alan’s near demise

I’ve finally cured myself of my tendency to over-think everything. While I’ve had plenty male experiences to keep my mind occupied in the last few months, one thing I haven’t done is go down any rabbit holes of what-could-be and what-if.

It’s rather refreshing, frankly.

With Alan, while there were some things that concerned me about our potential compatibility, I decided to just let things play out. And play out, they have. Continue reading

An uncomfortable conversation with Alan.

I will apologize again for my current need to write – and edit – posts on my phone. The app does a shit job of linking to past posts (so I don’t bother), I can’t see the flow of the post, it takes forever to write, etc.

Normally I go back a few days later to clean things up; I just haven’t had the chance yet. My home computer decided it was tired of connecting to the internet.

On to Alan. Continue reading

A social media and texting detox.

I’m not really going to stop using social media or texting, but the aftermath of the “Tony picture” incident makes me think I should make some changes.

Because we are all friends here, I will admit to looking at a few people’s Instagram feeds every day. There is Kyle (yes, still) – who I texted a while ago after (surprise!) another near-miss date, telling him I was going to go silent for a while and perhaps reach out near the December holidays. Kyle and I still follow each other on Instagram; he posts very rarely and it’s usually non-threatening (sports, a trip with his Mom, his son).

I’ve gotten better about looking at the IG “following” feed and seeing who’s stuff he’s liked or who he’s following. It’s goddamned pointless and gets me nothing except curiosity at best and hurt at worst. Continue reading

Wading through shallow waters to find a deep end.

I hid my bumble profile again, leaving it open only to those who have connected with me. I got bored and tired of the interactions, and the few conversations just withered. I haven’t missed it.

After talking to Hy Jones, I decided to see what Adult Friend Finder had in store for me. Some of the most awesome and accepting men I’ve met came from the naughty section of a dating site I joined when first single, or from FetLife, and Hy swears there are men looking for similar things as me on AFF.

I’ve been pretty lucky to have met a number of men who are sexually open and interested in exploring. Even Fox surprised me with his kinks and interests. Maybe I bring it out in men; I suppose it’s possible. But certainly there were a number who were not my sexual match in the slightest. Continue reading

In vino veritas.

It’s funny how things work sometimes; especially love and heartbreak.

There have been numerous Tony “incidents” in the last couple of months which have stung. From breaking a four-year seal on photos of his “ex” wife on Instagram on my birthday, to his taking a vacation with his wife for her 40th birthday, sans child, for the first time in ages. There are several examples, all shitty – for me.

Intellectually, its interesting to decompose the various scenarios and try to understand her perspective. There are a few options – she’s either an innocent in all of this and has no idea what he’s up to, to the other extreme of she suspects./ knows and is putting him through his paces to prove his love before she pushes him to move back in.

But emotionally, it doesn’t matter to me.  Continue reading

Anger is an iceberg.

I’m rarely really angry. When it happens, I get ice cold from head to toe. And when that happens, it’s pretty pure anger. I’m glad it’s rare; it’s a terrible feeling.

I rarely yell. My anger is cold, not hot. My ex was a volcano – his anger simmered under the surface until it blew over, he would yell or say horrible nasty cruel things, and then it would be over.

Even more rare for me is irrational anger – not a surprise to most of you I suppose. I usually can think away any strong emotion. It’s also one of the things I’ve been working on: actually feeling what I feel, instead of talking it away. Continue reading

Oh Drew, the truth isn’t much better.

I haven’t written about Drew much because I haven’t seen him much. After our hot couch session, almost three weeks went by before I saw him again. He kept up a decent communication pace with me, checking in most days. But he is in a similar industry to Tony and therefore, rarely knows his schedule in advance. It’s frustrating but at least I understand it.

One day we were texting back and forth – the same weekend I was preparing myself for Kyle’s penultimate cancellation – and talking about some tentative plans to see a sports event. I told him while I didn’t expect him to sleep over if he was uncomfortable, he was more than welcome. It would mean he didn’t have to drive an hour home that night, or try to arrange something with a friend.

He said thank you, and followed with “you and I both know what this is.” Continue reading

A little quiet time

The sound of silence. Kinda.

I deleted my dating profiles last week – maybe the week before – and so far I don’t miss them. I’ve had a few moments where I considered reopening them, wondering if my soul mate is one right swipe away, but they remain deleted.

I have also quite liked not being able to check the locations of anyone I’ve connected with. It brings no good to know these things. I unfriended Kyle on Facebook, with strong encouragement from Hy, and that’s been fine too. There was nothing in his profile of any interest, but the moment he posted something I could possibly interpret as bad for me, I would wish to not have seen it.

He hasn’t mentioned it; I doubt he’s noticed. I almost followed Drew on Instagram but resisted.  Continue reading

Passing a chemistry test.

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The next morning around 10:30 Drew sent me a text: “Good morning.. Hope your having a great day so far”. We texted off and on throughout the day, and feeling positive that seeing him two nights in a row wouldn’t be weird, so I told him if Wednesday might not be able to work I was happy to see him that night. He was keen but needed to sort out work – he’s in a creative industry much like Tony where his schedule is rarely known in advance, nor is when his day ends.

It didn’t work out, which was completely fine, and he was very appreciative I was chill about it.

He sent proactive texts that day and the next. I asked if he was still good to get together that night and he told me he “would love to see” me. It felt nice.  Continue reading