It’s been 8 days and I’m still truckin’

It’s 8 days since Tony and I broke up. My first 3 days weren’t horrible, with sweating, talking, and a good fuck on Monday night. Tuesday I went out with a girlfriend for drinks and dinner. I was hoping to see the Comedian afterwards but he had to deal with work at the last minute.

Wednesday I had a friend over for dinner. Over sushi and proscecco we talked about life and breakups and the general shittiness of my situation.

Thursday I met a new man for tea. He’d reached out to me on the website for a local swingers club and had been interested in meeting me for a while. He knew about Tony and my hesitance to meet him was primarily because Tony wasn’t ready for any group play, and I didn’t want to vet any new men until that time.  Continue reading

The Tony conversations.

Last week, I was sick, had written my morose post, and was not in a good mind set. Bit of an understatement.

Tony called me that evening. Not as soon as he finished work – he’d rushed to his ex’s house so he could take his son skating. He called me after he dropped him off and was driving home.

He sounded so happy to be able to take him and that he was making good progress. He has a skating party with a friend next weekend and wants to be able to skate.

Tony’s love for his son shines through whenever he talks about him. He misses him so much. He takes him to school every morning he can, and sometimes has him overnight on a Saturday, but that’s it. I know it tortures him because he tells me so. Continue reading

I decided to tell Fox (most of) the truth and lived to tell about it.

My timeline bounced around a little between Fox and Tony so here’s the order of operations, for the context of this post:

  1. I had an overnight with Tony after not seeing him for three weeks. I left Tony’s house to go to my parents, and then I…
  2. …had my fifth date with Fox at a sporting event.
  3. After that meeting, Fox got sensitive about asking for feedback and my feelings.
  4. We decided to talk about it at our next date the following Tuesday. This post is about that date.

Continue reading

Time to fess up | I lasted almost three weeks.

The Dom I spent some time on the St. Andrew’s cross with three weeks ago had continued to reach out to me. He checked in with me the day after and continued regularly for a few days. It’s called aftercare, and it’s to be expected.

But I found myself wondering whether there was more to it than that. So I asked, and we established he thought me to be gorgeous and he was interested in potentially playing with me more. If we were going to have penetrative sex, however, he needed to ask his wife and his girlfriend (he’s polyamorous) for permission.

Early last week he asked me if I planned to be at the sex / swingers club that Friday night. I actually had no plans on Friday night, so it was a possibility. He said he wanted to introduce me to his girlfriend and they would be there that night.

But that’s not who this post is about.

Continue reading

When I didn't plan to be beaten (3)

I added this feature image because I deliberately put a small pic of my bruises at the end of this post but it seems WordPress likes to make it a feature image, which I didn’t want. Don’t scroll down to the very bottom if you don’t want to see the bruise picture. I’ve offended some people, it seems. Again.

[Part One | Part Two]
I watched the woman writhe and moan under the Dom’s ministrations. It was startling to watch what he was doing, but I could tell he was very skilled. Soon afterwards they were finished, he helped her down off the cross (words I can’t say I ever thought I would write), people applauded, and off she went.

He came over to me. We laughed about meeting at the gangbang night without even realizing. We chatted as if I wasn’t standing in from of him almost naked and he didn’t have a whip in his hand. I asked him about his Prince Albert piercing…I’m admittedly, a little curious.

Then he asked me if I wanted to get on the cross. I must have looked terrified so he walked me over to the big bag he had on an ottoman and showed me a few things.

Knowing about my bad experience with the Dom at the gangbang night, he explained that in these situations, it’s the Sub that has all the power. He told me he would start slow and gentle and be constantly checking in with me to see how I was doing. He told me I could use three words – Yellow to say I was reaching my limit, Red to say I was at my limit, and a third word (unique to people from my area) which means stop immediately.

Nobody has ever had to use that word with him. Continue reading

When I didn’t plan to be beaten or have sex with a woman (2)

[Part One]

Jason led me by the hand to the play space. It was already filling up with couples and single men. Jason and the husband (we’ll just call him “H”) picked a platform bed. His wife (“W”) still hadn’t said anything but he said “oh, she likes you a lot”.

It was surreal.

H said “we usually like to start with massages; do you like massages?”


I really wished it was Jason’s hands on me. Throughout the next hour I would always know the second he touched me… I suppose after 18 months it makes sense. (And for anyone relatively new to this blog and wondering why Jason isn’t my boyfriend…he found out shortly after we started dating, in the Fall of 2013, that he had a 9 month old. His son lives with him now and he’s been slowly determining with the mother of his child whether they are going to get back together). Continue reading

The night I didn’t plan to be beaten & have my first experience with a woman (1).

Imagine me last week:

Monday I was able to end my three-week long sex dry spell with a hookup at a sex club. Tuesday night I had crazy-but-empty sex with Lewis and then realized there was no future with him as he had been slowly fading away. Then I had a great night on Wednesday night with Tony, and acknowledged despite how I feel about him, there was no near-term future with him either. Tony and I were planning to have our talk on Saturday night. It was tentative depending on how his work went.

Thursday night I got home, fussed online, and watched television. I had met a couple of interesting prospects on Plenty of Fish who seemed normal, mature, articulate, and keen to meet. They met or exceeded my guidelines. But with plans on Friday to have dinner with a girlfriend, a potential date on Saturday with Tony, and then getting my son Liam on Sunday for the week, it seemed it wasn’t going to work in the near term. Continue reading

Battered and bruised…

I have lots to write. I’ve fallen behind. So I will leave you with this…. 

Since Tuesday, I have done the following:

  • Bruised my cervix such that it’s taken three days to feel better.
  • Experienced the largest penis I’ve ever been with.
  • Been put on the back burner, where I’m unhappy.
  • Talked to Tony for an hour.
  • Saw Tony.
  • Was reminded how much I love Tony, and learned how much he’s missed me.
  • Have NOT fooled myself that much has changed with Tony, if anything.
  • Went for dinner with a girlfriend.
  • Spontaneously went to a swingers club (a new one) with Jason who arranged for us to meet a couple.
  • Kissed a woman for the first time.
  • Had a woman go down on me for the first time.
  • Was beaten for the first time, on a cross, with an audience, by a real Dom (one I’d been talking to for months who just happened to also be at said club).

So yeah. There’s this:

[I deleted this picture. Seems it was a bit much for some of you, even from me. I’m sorry. I’m sad if I offended anyone. Let’s just say my ass is bruised and marked and it was all just fine in the moment and I was surprised at how it looks in the aftermath.]

Oh, and I may be seeing Tony tonight. If I do, it’s likely he’ll see my ass. I guess I will be telling him a few things about my sexual journey.

I promise to write more. I’m just leaving for a first date and arranging a second one. Perhaps I will have some down time by the end of the weekend 🙂

Afternoon delight…how to break a sex dry spell

Eight months ago when I first joined FetLife, he reached out to me.  He was my height, built, dark skinned, and well-endowed. He frequents a local sex club; otherwise his life is fairly vanilla. He goes mid-week, in the afternoon.

We simply couldn’t get our schedules aligned to meet, and then I went on a hiatus while I was dating Tony. He was one of the ones (along with Dale and Lisa) I reached out to when I got back online. We’ve been trying to find a time that works for both of us, and it had never worked out.

Until Monday. In the midst of my anxiety about Lewis and whether he was evaporating, I knew I needed to be busier. Work hasn’t really taken off yet and there’s only so much messing about I can do online and avoiding the gym. It’s not that I lack for things to do. Continue reading

Sex club aftermath

It’s been a week since my sex club adventures. I don’t regret them for a minute: in contrast, I plan to go again.

Jason felt bad he didn’t engage more at the club. He told me later it was his first time. He also felt odd that I’d had an experience with Dale prior to him showing up. I tried my best to engage with Jason when he arrived, spent time with just him, to ensure he felt connected to me. But it didn’t work, obviously.

He asked me if I would be willing to “take another chance on him”. Yeah, of course! Continue reading