Getting a little more of what I need a lot.

How’s that for a bad grammar title?

After the night of lasagne, massage, and quick-but-promising sex, Alan and I both agreed to see each other again.

I was a little torn on when to meet; the Friday we talked about, a family at my son’s school were having a fundraising party which is apparently a super fun time. But I also wanted to see Alan and it was the only night likely to work for him. I decided to stop by the party for an hour and meet him afterwards.

Perfect.

But then work exploded (the volcano is still spewing) and the last thing I wanted to do was go to a party. As it turned out, Alan’s work schedule shifted and he could no longer meet. I believed him, for what it’s worth. I worked late, went home, and worked from home even later.  Continue reading

I’m broken.

I sprained my ankle last weekend. Unfortunately there’s no dramatic story to account for the injury; unless you consider speed + not paying attention + 3″ heels dramatic.

I’ve been limping since and only today am I able to walk normally, albeit still with pain.

I scraped both knees and the top of my foot, and there is a spot on my knee where any pressure results in a stabbing sharp pain. Let’s just say the one time I got on my knees for a man, pain got in the way of my pleasure.

I burnt myself in two places during a marathon cooking session this weekend.

I am premenstrual. Continue reading

Six weeks of personal training

Sometimes I feel like my weight and fitness level is the remaining area of my life where I don’t have a good handle on things. I think I can write that here without eye rolling or backlash, because hopefully any of you who’ve read more than a handful of my posts know I believe I can always progress further in everything. I never sit back and say “wow hey I’m all that and anyone should be lucky to have me.” I’m not egotistical. Yuck.

I guess said another way, I’m confident about having my shit together with work and career, parenting (most days), friendships, money… so many of the things by which we tend to measure life success. I also think I can improve on those fronts. But while I am confident about how I look most days (biologically gifted with height, a decently pleasing countenance, and hair my stylist reminds me every time I see her that people pay literally hundreds of dollars to achieve), I’m not as fit as I should be. I’d like to weigh about 15 lbs less, and have a smoother ass.

As much as I have come to love my body in the last few years, its ability to feel pleasure from so many things other women struggle with (orgasms every which way – yay!), and the pleasure it gives to others… I want to be fitter. Continue reading

A gorgeous Saturday afternoon, nothing but my thoughts.

Of course that’s not true; I’m with a girlfriend, her parents, and our three collective children. We are, quite literally, in the middle of nowhere. It’s been a night and day of sun, water, swimming, laughs, music, day drinking, and snacks.

I haven’t had any stories I’ve had the time to make a whole blog post but I thought I’d catch up on a few things (and people).

Work has been super busy. Evenings after putting Liam to bed, weekend monitoring of emails, and the like. We are really close to a big deadline and while it’s not gone super smoothly, so far the problems are all manageable. I was brought in to save it and I really hope I prove to have done so. Continue reading

plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading

I backed myself into a corner but got out. I think.

~Previous Post~

The next day with Tony was good from a communication perspective. I sent him a good morning boob shot, so really, how bad could it be? There wasn’t a ton of texting which is fine when I’m busy at work. He sent me a sweet text that his pillows smelled like me.

He actually asked about my day. Which I know is not some major fucking accomplishment but he wouldn’t always do that before. (And yes, I know what that sounds like. Hello drop of water to a dehydrated woman).

We had arranged to see each other in the afternoon for an overnight on Friday. He texted he would try to be over there as soon as I’d let him. Which made me smile.  Continue reading

Breaking up with Fox | My Mom’s feedback

For the breakup prelude and texts, start with this post.

This is the final post on this for the moment. It’s weird to post five things in one day but there’s no point in making anyone wait for any of this.

My Mom sat with me until mid day on Saturday. I had long-standing plans to go out with some girlfriends; the timing couldn’t have been better.

So I stopped texting for the most part, but found his change of tone rather unsettling.

By now you’ve probably read how the texting ended. I still haven’t responded back and am thinking through what to do. That’s actually not entirely true; I know what I need to do but am getting my head around it.

My Mom sent me an email about Fox and our relationship which I found pretty insightful. Thought I’d use her words instead of mine, for a change. Continue reading

There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading

How do we know if we are ready?

The first night I saw Fox after my vacation return, he told me he’d found himself on the Ashley Madison data dump online.

No, don’t worry, this isn’t another post about the whole debacle. I’m tired of it already. And for what it’s worth: of course nobody should violate your privacy rights, yes some people enjoy the misery of cheaters, yes, some people will look people up they know (not always for nefarious reasons), there are hypocrites in this world, and yes, cheaters should always consider what would happen if they are found out.

Moving on. Continue reading

From three major unknowns, to zero. Raise a glass with me!

A little while ago I wrote about having three major unknowns in my life, causing me quite a bit of angst (and weight gain).

The first was about Will and his job change. That worked out okay, as he hasn’t sued me for child support and his job hasn’t yet required him to make major life changes. Although it’s been an adjustment for both Liam and I to be back to week on / week off parenting, it’s much better for Liam and ultimately, for me.

The second was about Tony, and what the hell I was going to do with him. I ended things with him almost two weeks ago – am 99% sure it’s permanent – and so at least resolved the stress of the unknown. Even though I’m still sad and angry at times. it’s all natural, and I’m feeling all the gross feelings and working through it, day by day.

The third was about my job. It was resolved at the end of March, in the form of being made redundant at work, which I suppose just replaced the unknown with a known which was even worse.

But today, I am beyond thrilled to say I am no longer redundant. I’ve been offered a position with the same company, and it’s a great opportunity. I’m thrilled. While I was willing to find a new home if necessarily, I really didn’t want to. I’ve been on the change train enough the last 18 months.

So I think a few drinks are in order; weight loss be damned for the moment. Cheers!

Ann xo