Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.
Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.
But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.
Tony couldn’t come back to my place with me. He didn’t have a car and had to take his son to school the next morning. So the conversation was pretty much over when we left the bar. Being in public the whole time, we barely even kissed on our date.
My heart was yelling at me to not break it off with him, and my head was yelling that nothing would change in the short term. But his comment about being “everything he’d ever wanted” was what I kept coming back to. Of course – it was what I wanted to hear. I also kept replaying his comment about his ex – thinking for crying out loud, could he not just make that decision?!
I forget when it happened, but at some point he was telling me that he still hadn’t gone to pick up some packages that were delivered to a town about 90 minutes away from where we live – and his accountant said he was “retarded” (yes, knowing that was a terrible word to use) for not even getting that done. I had only one meeting the next day so asked him what he was doing… Continue reading →
I looked him in the eye and said (not verbatim, and not a monologue):
I am confused and frustrated. I feel that you are not emotionally available. You are not ready to be someone’s boyfriend. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. I believe you feel about me the way you say. Perhaps you just aren’t ready – you have a lot of stuff to sort out. Perhaps you don’t know how. Perhaps you don’t realize that what we have is hard to find. The reasons, however, are irrelevant.
New relationships need care and feeding. I don’t just know how you feel – you have to tell me. I get more “good morning beautiful” texts from exes than from you. My ex husband called me to see how I was doing with my job loss, yet I heard nothing from you. I feel as if you are here for me when it’s convenient, but if it really takes an effort, it’s too much for you.Continue reading →
With apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, sing with me: “how do you solve a problem like To-ny“…
While he had been even more silent than usual after coming back from his vacation, Tony agreed to come with me to a concert on Thursday night. We had a little bit of text communications and a phone call leading up to Thursday night.
I have been very sad this week. Although not because of anything new, or any one incident, it felt like suddenly all the things I’ve been dealing with had managed to come to the surface. Any discussion about work, Tony, or dealing with Will and Liam, had me on the verge of tears. Sometimes, I cried. Hard. It was not pretty. Continue reading →
There’s good and bad in my life right now. And as I’m busy getting my shit in order, I’m not writing. The thoughts are just roaming around in my head, aimlessly.
A brief update for those who care:
The Party & The Comedian
The party on Friday night was great fun. I hadn’t heard from the Comedian and figured he wouldn’t show up. But he did. Out of the blue. It was a nice time with him, and weird to be with someone who other guests (and their children) immediately recognized.
The Comedian decided to leave a little early. After he gave me a hug and the kind of kiss that meets delightfully partially on ones lips, my drunken friend the host pushed me out the door after him, insisting – out loud – that he must simply make out with me on her porch. He muttered something to me about his life being up in the air, and walked away.
In some ways I’m glad he didn’t try to kiss me, because I had planned to tell him about Tony. But on the other hand, I was irritated that there was obviously something going on with him and he didn’t tell me about it. Nor has he contacted me since.
Shortly after I wrote my last post – as in, about 10 minutes after I wrote it – I called Tony. At $2 a minute. I was so f*cking tired of how I was feeling and going crazy guessing what was going on.
He picked up the phone on the second ring. Without me saying anything other than “hello”, he expressed his frustration at not being able to reach me – that none of his texts went through (duh). He said for sure he would see me the next night, quickly followed by “I have to go…I’m at the game with Mark [his best friend] but will see you for sure”.