A social media and texting detox.

I’m not really going to stop using social media or texting, but the aftermath of the “Tony picture” incident makes me think I should make some changes.

Because we are all friends here, I will admit to looking at a few people’s Instagram feeds every day. There is Kyle (yes, still) – who I texted a while ago after (surprise!) another near-miss date, telling him I was going to go silent for a while and perhaps reach out near the December holidays. Kyle and I still follow each other on Instagram; he posts very rarely and it’s usually non-threatening (sports, a trip with his Mom, his son).

I’ve gotten better about looking at the IG “following” feed and seeing who’s stuff he’s liked or who he’s following. It’s goddamned pointless and gets me nothing except curiosity at best and hurt at worst. Continue reading

Back to the “online dating is ridiculous” posts…

I wouldn’t quite say I’m online dating just yet, but before I deleted a bunch of the messages in OK Cupid I screen captured them so I could share them here in all their douchy or boring glory.

I’m going to start with the first new person I responded to. His profile met my criteria, and I liked his somewhat clever start. But how quickly it disintegrated… Continue reading

Shenanigans returns and curiosity gets the better of me.

Some of you may remember the man I call Shenanigans. You can start his story here if you haven’t read it before.

I sum him up on my lovers page thusly: 30 year-old super tall, super hot, great cock, great sex, total shenanigans trying to meet and communicate with him. Complete selfish asshole who made me question every time whether it was worth it. Our relationship ended with him texting me “blow me” in anger, not passion. But he keeps coming back for a chat.

The last time I saw him was in December 2014, right before I met Tony. It was the first time I’d seen him in 10 months; we had dinner and I let him cum on my face. (I find it funny that the post gets found regularly by people searching the internet for cumming on a woman’s face. Nice.)

I never spoke to him after that date, nor did I particularly care to. He texted me a few times in the past nine months but it rarely amounted to anything remotely interesting enough for this blog.

Until last week.

Continue reading

A brief Saturday update.

“If they can’t find me, they can’t fire me.
– an expression I used to say at work.

Well, it feels like that’s what’s happening with Tony. As planned and true to my word, I reached out to him last night to confirm he was available to chat. He texted he had a horrible migraine and would try to stay awake for my call.

When I called him he sounded like death. There was no way he was going to really hear what I had to say. We had a 20 second conversation that ended with me saying “I will talk to you some other time.” Continue reading

My third first date in three nights; finally, a kiss.

I had three first dates three days in a row last week. The first was the Accountant, the second was the check box man, and the third was, well… Mr Fetlife. I’m not sure I want to give them names unless we go on a second date.

Mr Fetlife reached out to me on Fetlife (obviously) shortly after I reactivated my profile during my three week break from Tony. The Saturday morning where I thought life was once again full of rainbows and unicorns, and Tony was going to finally make the effort I needed, I went onto Fetlife, changed my profile status from “single” to “in a relationship”, and updated my description to state I wasn’t looking to play alone, but perhaps I would explore with my partner.

As you know by now, that was short lived. In that happy time span however, I had told Mr Fetlife I was now off them market. And then I humbly told him I was back on the market.

Mr Fetlife is single and kinky. He works in construction, is 6 feet tall, and swarthy. He’s had long term relationships but never been married. He’s polite, consistent, and funny. He has no kids. He’s looking for a relationship. Continue reading

Rules for dating when you actually want to date.

In a recent comment discussion with a fellow blogger I got to talking about my online dating rules…and figured I should write them down. It helps me stick to them, and I’m curious what everyone thinks.

I didn’t start off dating this way. My priorities were different – have a LOT of sex, feel wanted, reinforce I was attractive to men, and explore dating in all its forms. I succeeded, and it sure did garner a lot of learning and stories for this blog. If you haven’t read my old stories, you can find them on my “men I’ve slept with” page starting at #38.

Two years ago, I didn’t want a serious relationship (I also have a blog post in my head about my definition of “serious”). I didn’t want to be exclusive. But I did want to date – meaning go out and do different things with men I like. More than just the euphemistic “hanging out” at my place. Continue reading

Some things I have learned.

I have been giving a fellow blogger a bit of dating advice (don’t laugh) recently. As she gets text messages from various men she reaches out to ask my opinion on the best next course of action.

Advice can be useless if it’s only grounded in what you would do. It has to be appropriate for the other person. All too often, we are incapable of putting ourselves in the proverbial shoes of another. It’s all about empathy and trying to understand thoughts and behavior from another’s point of view.

But I digress.

In giving solicited advice, I realized I’ve learned a few things about men. I am generally not one to write advice posts – but I did think it a good idea for me to write this down, so I don’t forget either. I still find myself wondering what will spell the end of my relationship with Tony. Will he ever open up? Will he desire to spread his dating wings? Will there be something one of us learns about the other that makes things untenable?

But I digress again.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

1) The answer to any question which is the equivalent of “do you like me” will always be “yes”.

I often want reassurance, and I don’t think it’s unique. There are various ways we can get it – both words and actions. One thing I learned is that people are loathe to create conflict of any kind.

So if you think texting a man and saying “would you like to try to see me again” will get anything other than a “sure”, you are mistaken. One in a hundred, maybe, will be honest.

Open-ended questions are way better – but much less conductive to text messaging.

But then we act as if getting a positive response is, well, a positive sign. We read too much into it. And then expect that of course he will reach out again. And when he doesn’t?

2) Pushing hard for what you want rarely achieves it.

I have come to believe if a man wants something, he will seek it out. The thing to remember is it probably won’t be on your timeline.

I used to fool myself that I needed to push for a decision, an outcome, or remind someone that we are supposed to get together. It’s just not true. I suppose there are a few men who genuinely would forget to get dressed in the morning if someone didn’t remind them, but I suspect it’s not that many.

I don’t believe in game playing and being scarce to increase a man’s interest in me. I can’t stand that behavior. BUT I do think you stay in touch and not push an agenda or harp on when you are going to get together next. If he wants to, he will ask.

It’s scary to back off the questions and reminders and attempt to get reassurance. But you know what happens if you do?

3) Give someone a bit of time and their actions will tell you how they really feel.

Again, this isn’t about the classic advice given to women about deliberately being “unavailable” or “elusive”. But not pushing constantly will let actions speak clearly.

It’s scary, but it’s WAY better to know how someone actually feels about you.

I have found, without exception, ceasing to be the one that always reignites a conversation will inevitably tell me if they are interested. I could link to so many examples here. Dan is a good example. While he would eventually respond to a text, when I stopped instigating he simply stopped communicating. I’d have to look in my posts to see when I last heard from him. It’s been a while. I doubt I will ever hear from him again (and my car still hasn’t been fixed).

But when I pushed? We would meet. Obviously there was some base level of attraction or interest in a good fuck. But ultimately, it was pretty minimal.

In contrast, there are others who continue to communicate with me – Jason for example. Now, we have established something beyond fuck buddies, but it’s important to know that he proactively thinks of me. He’s worth my time even though our communications are infrequent these days.

4) If someone says they will see you and then doesn’t follow through, don’t wait for them.   

When you give them a line as in #1 above, and they say “sure let’s get together”, and then don’t follow through, go ahead and make your own plans. If they do follow and at the last minute ask what you are doing that night, saying “oh I figured you weren’t serious since you never followed through before – maybe next time” will increase your value in their eyes.

Now I know I said I didn’t like games, but this is different in my mind (feel free to challenge). If someone wants to make plans with me they will, more than a night in advance. Too often I held a night free in the often vain hope someone would follow through. NIM was a repeat offender.

My new approach became in the absence of concrete plans, to make my own. I gotta say, tied to the point above, I rarely had the opportunity to say “sorry too late”. They just weren’t that into me.

But it was liberating, making the choice myself. Realizing I have the power to do my own thing, not waiting around for some dude. Ultimately having my own plans felt WAY better, because although still a rejection when you realize they aren’t that into you, you are busy doing something (or someone) else.

5) Some men just like sexting and the promise of meeting, and have no plans to actually meet you, no matter how much they talk about it. 

I don’t really get this as I’ve never had an opportunity to talk at length with someone who admits to this behavior.

I do know a few blog men who engage with multiple women for hot chats and pictures. In those cases, there is little actual opportunity for them to meet the women. I did have some theories on what they (and the women) got from those interactions, and it partially inspired my users post so you can read about my snarky theories there.

But I my issue is really about the expectations a man sets with a woman. If a guy says he wants to meet someone, and discusses what it would be like, and even goes so far as to tentatively make plans, then of course she is going to believe it’s going to happen.

But when they have no intention to meet? That’s what I’m really perplexed about. If it’s hot to sext with someone, then talk to someone, why the heck wouldn’t you want to meet that someone?

Before I wised up to it, I was on the receiving end of this several times. One thing that helped me realise this was the time I spent on the lavalife “intimate” section, which was where I started online and where I met Jason and NIM. There were men there who wanted to sext – using that sites instant messaging feature – and they would be on the opposite side of the world. I realized its all they wanted. So I suppose the same would apply to guys who live 10 minutes away.

As always, I’m interested in what you think. Do these resonate with you?

A primer on how to ensure a woman will never sleep with you.

I originally titled this post “how ignoring an insanely amorous Italian kept him coming back for more”.

When I un-hid my dating profiles in November, it was with the promise to myself I would not waste energy on men who weren’t worth my time. This included those who:

– I didn’t find remotely attractive;
– Lived outside my city;
– Were beyond a reasonable age range (35-50);
– Didn’t seem to have basic characteristics important to me, including intelligence, curiosity, humor, and passion for life; and
– Were looking only for sex / hookups or the euphemistic “friends with benefits”. Continue reading

Might I have a man choice on my horizon?

I didn’t think I would have this problem. And I’m going to make this post quick because a very wise New Yorker suggested perhaps I write a little bit less and focus on other stuff (he said health, but I’m going to use the found time to get my turntable fixed so I can play the albums my father gave me at Christmas… his ENTIRE music collection).

Last night I was texting Tony a little bit and I sent him a picture…not particularly naughty, but I did think it was sexy. It was of my shoulder, neck, and breast (covered with my hand) showing him that the bruise from last weekend had faded.

He didn’t exactly respond in a manner I thought befitting someone who had just received said photo, so I asked him what he thought and he said: Continue reading

I am a dirty dirty girl.

One recent night, I was on my way home from a work party. I was in a taxi and was pretty darn drunk.

I’d fucked one of my former colleagues the night prior. I still haven’t written about him; he was my other Faraway Lover and is #35 of the Men I’ve Slept with. Perhaps I should get going with that story.

Whilst in the taxi, I get the following text:

“Hey, wanna get fucked on your stairs?” Continue reading