I’m popular because I made a f*ck machine

I was playing around with Google Analytics today and doing some blog maintenance. While I knew “making a sex machine” and its derivatives is often one of the top searches that gets people to my blog, I didn’t realize how often.

Over 39,000 times – since I switched to self-hosted last Spring. I know that post gets around 120 hits a day, so seems right.

It’s funny – it drives my site traffic but not engagement. People don’t hang around and read my story – they are looking for instructions.

I re-read the post today and it still makes me giggle. Because really, it’s ridiculous. The box has sat under my bed since the time I tried it. The reciprocating saw hasn’t been used. Somehow I think if I tell Leo, he’ll try it.

Here’s the post link: Making my own f*ck machine.

Doug the sailor is being set adrift

I don’t regret many of the men I’ve had sex with. Certainly not that many in the last three years; just one. Unfortunately I have to add Doug to the list, I’m afraid. It’s not a strong regret but simply – it was sex I could have done without.

Doug is being set adrift.

After our first date, I knew there wasn’t long-term potential. There were too many divergent interests, attitudes, and behaviors. But he was fun and I could see perhaps spending a few rowdy nights hanging out on his boat.  Continue reading

I have whiskers.

Do you remember my lovely-then-momentarily-embarrassing story about The Comedian? Well, go back and read it.

Yeah. That.

I’m ONLY 42. Why has my body decided I need to have a chin hair? What good does this do?

Well, earlier this week I spotted another hair – who am I kidding, it would more realistically and less kindly be called a whisker – coming out of my cheek. Continue reading

If there was any doubt as to the power of cookies…

Because I searched online for reciprocating saws to make a sex toy (that I ultimately bought offline), now these saws are cropping up everywhere. In searches, and my Facebook feed (which I’m rarely on).

I know from the work I do that cookies are used for all sorts of things, including to create relevant advertisements online. But this one really makes me laugh.

Like those who said after reading my post they won’t ever look at reciprocating saws the same way (or cucumbers, which I’ve also ruined for some), now I’m reminded constantly of the box under my bed.

For example:

No, that’s not the right attachment.

 

I made a sex machine

Getting drilled. Or, making my own f*ck machine.

If you found this link looking how to make one a sex toy, keep reading. If you’re also curious how a divorced, over 40 year-old Mom got to this place, making sex toys from reciprocating saws? You may be interested in reading more of my blog. Check out my home page or go to About Me to read my story. Enjoy!


I’m starting to think perhaps I have a real problem. I am out of my mind with sexual desire. And the good-but-not-always-amazing sex with Tony just stokes an already out of control forest fire.

Several months ago I read a fellow bloggers post about making a sex toy, and I wanted to do it. And not just any sex toy. A fucking machine, basically. The day I read his post I bought a critical attachment off Amazon for $7 USD.

The ingredients? Continue reading

A rather lovely weekend. Except the sleep deprivation.

I broke my daily posting routine – again. I think this will be my 365th post, unbelievably.

But I took to heart the advice I got (take time if I need it, essentially) and furthermore, I didn’t have much to say on Sunday that was current. I could have taken a picture of myself but it felt rather empty (with no disrespect to those to do – Selfie Sunday is just not something I feel compelled to do on a regular basis).

I have a post in progress about the crazy Italian. We never met but his text messages were ridiculous. I have another post (inspired by Will Carrier constantly asking me why I was dating online) to demonstrate that while not all men online are looking for sex, there were hardly a whole lot I found worthy of a response for me. Just not a good fit, and all that. But I wasn’t inspired to complete either. Continue reading

The Hitachi Magic Wand | Masturbation Thursday

Okay I made up the “Masturbation Thursday” part. Everyone knows it has to be “Masturbation Monday”. Actually, most days are masturbation days at my place. Somehow I don’t think you care either way.

I have talked in the past about my masturbation habits and how I deal with being stuck somewhere horny with no sex toys. What I probably haven’t mentioned is that I’ve gone from no sex toys to two drawers of my nightstand bursting at the seams. I have bought butt plugs, vibrators, dildos, benwa balls, restraints…you name it, if it strikes my fancy, I have it.

The one thing I had never heard of, until I came across a blog post, then another, then another, all extolling the virtues, was the Hitachi Magic Wand. Continue reading

My mom discovered my butt plug door stop

This was so funny I didn’t want to wait to post it.

So most of you know I’m at home, recuperating from surgery I had yesterday. My Mom went to the hospital with me, drove me home, fed me, made sure I didn’t die overnight, has fed me some more, and will be leaving tonight. Although I’m still really sore, I’m able to move around so think I’m fine on my own at this point.

As you may have read, I am literally using a massive butt plug as a door stop in my bedroom. Some of you commented that anyone would recognize what it is, instantly upon sight.

Well…

Continue reading

Using a butt plug as a door stop. No, that's not a euphemism

So being sex-free for a while has “forced” me to be rather creative with masturbation…whether it be by myself, or via video chat with Johnny. I have built up a decent collection of sex toys for someone who had none only 18 months ago. But last week, I found myself wanting something a little different from what I had in my arsenal.

Arsenal is actually an appropriate word.

So forgive the very blunt next few paragraphs (but really, you’ve come to expect this from me, no?)

I went to my favourite online sex shop and ordered the following: Continue reading

Yes, I've masturbated with a cucumber

Things I’ve literally f*cked myself with | Or why I should always travel with a cucumber

In the last several months I’ve gone on a few trips without any sex toys. Once because I rented a holiday property and it was going to be my Mom, son, and my friend Katharine and her kids, and it just seemed weird to pack a vibrator. Another time I was travelling just with my Mom and we were sharing a room. Recently I went to a family member’s house and the walls are super thin. Right now I’m on a trip with just my son. He’s little so we are sharing a room and again, just didn’t seem right.

I’ve subsequently learned that not having a toy is a big mistake. It leads to some pretty raunchy behaviour on my part.

I guess I should clarify that I need assistance to cum through masturbation. Not sure why but my own hands just don’t do it for me. Perhaps I could find a lover who could educate me. But until that happens and I’m (not) master of my own domain, I need a toy. Continue reading