Two years ago | Yet another sign.

Some dates will always stick in my head. My wedding date. The day Will and I decided our marriage was over, and the day I moved out.

I moved out just over two years ago. I didn’t note the anniversary because I am on vacation and didn’t know the date. Which is an awesome thing.

But here’s what I found amazing.  Continue reading

I have an answer to one of my unknowns.

As I wrote recently, I currently have three big unknowns in my life, causing considerable stress.  Late Tuesday night, one of the three were resolved.

I was at my friends country place. My phone was connected to the stereo system to listen to music; as such, I didn’t check my email or text messages until I went to bed.

I had a text from Will: “Can you call me?” Continue reading

My Mother, the ex-husband whisperer

My Mom is very wise. I knew it before but know it even more now, as I am going through similar experiences as what she went through, years ago.

As I referenced in my post about our proclivity to use other people, we had a really long conversation last week. It was actually a great thing…my son was playing with neighborhood friends outside, making up all kinds of games and being the sort of “free range” child I remember being as a kid. So my Mom and I just hung out.

She knows I blog. I’ve shown her some posts before – a few that have made her laugh, and one that made her cry. I told her many of you thought she was awesome when I wrote about the butt plug door stop. Continue reading

A year ago today. Happy Anniversary?

A year ago today. Exactly.

My misery had been escalating for months. Experiencing Faraway Lover and making new friends and a lot of reflection made it impossible for me to ignore what I had known for many years. I was fundamentally unhappy in my marriage.

I had been talking to a very close friend about wanting to end my marriage. But I was stuck on the next steps. I like to plan things and I couldn’t figure out what I would do. What kind of response I would get from my husband. Would I be okay. Would my son be okay. Guilt about knowing that most things were fine. But at my core, in my heart, I knew there should be more. I knew I was unhappy and I was pretty sure my husband was as well.

Of course on the surface everything looked fine. We were always good friends.

Last year today, laying in bed side by side, he on his iPad and me reading, he looked over and basically said:

“I think we are done here. Do you agree?” Continue reading

Deceit and lies.

A question was posed on another blog late last night, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since the implied situation resonated so strongly with what I went through. Instead of responding as a comment I decided to write a post of my own, since it could be lengthy and I haven’t really tackled this topic before.

What should be expected when you are already in a deceitful relationship?  Honor among thieves, as it were?

I can only speak from my own experience. As many of you know, when I first embarked on a relationship outside my marriage, it was with my husband’s explicit consent. But while we agreed to an open marriage, it was a total don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. So yes, not quite “open”. But I have no better descriptor for it. I had told him that while he said I could be with others, I didn’t feel the same. Hypocritical? Sure. But at the time of the discussion, I couldn’t really see myself acting on what I had permission to do.

Of course, you know the story of how it happened. If you don’t, you can read it here. Continue reading

I'm meeting my ex's girlfriend Colleen

As you may recall from my Who is Colleen?  post, my ex has been dating someone steadily pretty much since right after I moved out.

My son’s birthday is coming up, so of course my ex and I need to discuss party arrangements.  Wildly into dinosaurs right now, my son wants to go to the museum and have a dino themed party.  I looked into it and it’s crazy expensive. We aren’t the kind of people who think it makes sense to spend hundreds of dollars on a kid’s party.  So last weekend, when my ex dropped my son off to me, we sat down to talk about party preparations.  We agreed that we would do a dinner with grandparents and family on my son’s actual birthday, then on the Sat we would let him invite 7 of his friends to the museum.

Fine. Good.

Then my ex says “I would like Colleen to come to the museum party. Are you okay with that?” Continue reading

Family Support

At times I am very grateful for the family and extended family I have.  My son and I were away for a long weekend where we rent a very large house with a whole bunch of family and friends so close they are like family.  About 30 people in total…lots of children so my son just plays and runs and hangs out all weekend.  What was awesome was the support I got from everyone on the choice I had made (this was the first time I’d seen many of them since my split from my ex)…and the comments that I seemed incredibly happy, back to my old self, and more relaxed then they’d seen in a while.

I told Ariel about that last comment and he suggested it was because I was having such awesome sex on a regular basis.  I’m sure that has something to do with it.

Too much screwing

Random I know, but I think there should be support groups for recently divorced or separated people who need to buy a LOT of furniture all at the same time.  My ex and I decided that he would stay in our house and I would move out.  We also wanted to ensure, for the sake of our son, that the house kinda stayed the same…which meant I didn’t strip it of all possessions.  Furthermore, we had a lot of custom built-in cabinets so in our bedroom, for example, after I took the bed and side tables there wasn’t anything else to take.  So…before I moved I spent some time ambling through used modern furniture stores and finding just the perfect stool for the kitchen island.  But then, I got wickedly bad food poisioning the week before our move-in date so all that final stuff – for which I’d taken time off – didn’t get done.  So, into the new house we go.

Enter my relationship with IKEA.  I had decided to get some cabinetry from them because it looks nice and added storage space to a seriously lacking townhouse.  But after living in boxes for a couple weeks I decided I had to bite the bullet and just get furniture even if it’s not perfect and I might replace it down the way.  But little did I know how quickly our relationship would be damaged by such a decision.  I felt very clever using their shopping (they get all those big boxes off the shelves for you…helpful when you are buying 20 items at a time), delivery, and assembly services.  They actually are pretty reasonable when you are already spending thousands furnishing an entire townhouse.  But then there is more to go wrong.  I actually don’t want to revisit all the headaches but let’s just say I’m contemplating whether it’s actually worth the $200 in returns I have, knowing I have to face that store once more.

My son and I tackled a dresser for my room on Sunday night.  I had no idea what we were getting into (my son is 5).  There were THREE separate bags of little bits and pieces.  Surprisingly only 2 things needed the infamous allen key.  I am literate and have an MBA and I find the directions with no language (ideal I know for a world-wide company) MORE confusing then the instructions they used to have.  Sheesh.  In the midst of all this my ex calls, my son picks up and asks Daddy to please bring Mummy the drill because she is doing too much screwing.  Yes, the irony of this is not lost on me at all.  My ex, being a pretty good guy, drives the drill up to our house (we are only 1 minute from each other, on purpose).  I grab the bag and he leaves and I get the drill out to discover he hasn’t. included. drill bits.

Wondering for a brief moment if this is a joke I decide that’s mean even for him to go back to manually screwing.  I text him that next time maybe he could drop the drill bits off.  He responds that he thought I took them.  Sigh.

The dresser is put together and quite frankly is quite lovely and my son is very happy to have helped Mummy with putting it together.  I confess I will think about it and it’s a nice memory.  I also chose to use some knobs that I had kept from the kitchen of our very first house (probably from the 60s) and so I think of that as well. But my right shoulder is sore from the screwing and I’d really rather have soreness from that other kind of screwing.  It looks like I have to wait a few more days for that to happen.

 

Divorce | Not with a bang but with a whimper

So the common question when I tell people that my husband and I are splitting up is “OMG Why? What Happened?”. And I stare at them for a moment and say “nothing happened…that was the problem”.

The breakdown of a marriage I suppose is a complicated thing and every marriage (and divorce) is different. For some, there is an event, a big thing that happens and that is it. For us, it’s a way longer story. It will take me a while to put all of this down…so I will start from the end, I guess, and tackle it in parts. Continue reading