i didn't hesitate to tell Tony all my grievances

The wrath of Ann

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I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.

I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.

But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading

tony told me the truth and I hated it

Being angry via text

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Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.

I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.

At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”.  Nothing.

I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.

Continue reading

Tony lied about being with his ex wife

When doubt turns to certainty

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I may not have the flow of this conversation exactly right, but you’ll get the drift. One of these days I will get smart and record them in all of their glory.

Tony told me his Mother is very sick and he found out right before he left on his trip.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do.”

“Thanks Ann.”

I was torn between my gut telling me he been lying and god-knows-what telling me that kind of lying – to me! – was impossible. So I asked some questions to try to get a sense of the truth: Continue reading

plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading

How to split up friends when you split up.

At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range).

I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.

Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well.  Continue reading

I have an answer to one of my unknowns.

As I wrote recently, I currently have three big unknowns in my life, causing considerable stress.  Late Tuesday night, one of the three were resolved.

I was at my friends country place. My phone was connected to the stereo system to listen to music; as such, I didn’t check my email or text messages until I went to bed.

I had a text from Will: “Can you call me?” Continue reading

My Mother, the ex-husband whisperer

My Mom is very wise. I knew it before but know it even more now, as I am going through similar experiences as what she went through, years ago.

As I referenced in my post about our proclivity to use other people, we had a really long conversation last week. It was actually a great thing…my son was playing with neighborhood friends outside, making up all kinds of games and being the sort of “free range” child I remember being as a kid. So my Mom and I just hung out.

She knows I blog. I’ve shown her some posts before – a few that have made her laugh, and one that made her cry. I told her many of you thought she was awesome when I wrote about the butt plug door stop. Continue reading

A year ago today. Happy Anniversary?

A year ago today. Exactly.

My misery had been escalating for months. Experiencing Faraway Lover and making new friends and a lot of reflection made it impossible for me to ignore what I had known for many years. I was fundamentally unhappy in my marriage.

I had been talking to a very close friend about wanting to end my marriage. But I was stuck on the next steps. I like to plan things and I couldn’t figure out what I would do. What kind of response I would get from my husband. Would I be okay. Would my son be okay. Guilt about knowing that most things were fine. But at my core, in my heart, I knew there should be more. I knew I was unhappy and I was pretty sure my husband was as well.

Of course on the surface everything looked fine. We were always good friends.

Last year today, laying in bed side by side, he on his iPad and me reading, he looked over and basically said:

“I think we are done here. Do you agree?” Continue reading

Deceit and lies.

A question was posed on another blog late last night, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since the implied situation resonated so strongly with what I went through. Instead of responding as a comment I decided to write a post of my own, since it could be lengthy and I haven’t really tackled this topic before.

What should be expected when you are already in a deceitful relationship?  Honor among thieves, as it were?

I can only speak from my own experience. As many of you know, when I first embarked on a relationship outside my marriage, it was with my husband’s explicit consent. But while we agreed to an open marriage, it was a total don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. So yes, not quite “open”. But I have no better descriptor for it. I had told him that while he said I could be with others, I didn’t feel the same. Hypocritical? Sure. But at the time of the discussion, I couldn’t really see myself acting on what I had permission to do.

Of course, you know the story of how it happened. If you don’t, you can read it here. Continue reading

I'm meeting my ex's girlfriend Colleen

As you may recall from my Who is Colleen?  post, my ex has been dating someone steadily pretty much since right after I moved out.

My son’s birthday is coming up, so of course my ex and I need to discuss party arrangements.  Wildly into dinosaurs right now, my son wants to go to the museum and have a dino themed party.  I looked into it and it’s crazy expensive. We aren’t the kind of people who think it makes sense to spend hundreds of dollars on a kid’s party.  So last weekend, when my ex dropped my son off to me, we sat down to talk about party preparations.  We agreed that we would do a dinner with grandparents and family on my son’s actual birthday, then on the Sat we would let him invite 7 of his friends to the museum.

Fine. Good.

Then my ex says “I would like Colleen to come to the museum party. Are you okay with that?” Continue reading