This is going to be short. It’s late at night, I’ve had too much red wine, I’m tired, sad, and my gut hurts.
I had my gallbladder out a week ago. Those of you who follow me on Instagram would know, but I didn’t write about it. I’ve been recovering and just went back into the office today. I experienced a common after-effect of surgery – depression – which thankfully didn’t last but was disconcerting regardless.
The sadness lingers but yesterday I could finally feel it starting to lift. My middle still hurts but each day is an improvement. Bruce has been in touch most days to send me wishes that I’m feeling better. It comforts me he’s been in touch – perhaps he wasn’t lying about it not being me. He’s been consistent in that he’s not calling, not having long conversations. Which is fine. Continue reading →
Update! I added the widget. It makes me smile. Enjoy.
I’ve been thinking about adding a widget to my blog akin to “X days accident-free” signs found in industrial plants. “24 hours Tony-free” – which I would have to update if I contact him or reply to any outreach.
He doesn’t fully realize the nature of my goodbye. Granted, the last time I said goodbye (May 2015) I lasted a mere few months. I don’t blame him. No matter what I’ve said, he thinks we will be “friends”.
I didn’t think it worth my time or emotional energy to challenge his ridiculous and unrealistic beliefs about what would happen next. When he said we could now have play dates with our children, all I said was “oh and how are you going to explain who I am to Mary?” and he said “I will figure something out.”
I’m rarely really angry. When it happens, I get ice cold from head to toe. And when that happens, it’s pretty pure anger. I’m glad it’s rare; it’s a terrible feeling.
I rarely yell. My anger is cold, not hot. My ex was a volcano – his anger simmered under the surface until it blew over, he would yell or say horrible nasty cruel things, and then it would be over.
Even more rare for me is irrational anger – not a surprise to most of you I suppose. I usually can think away any strong emotion. It’s also one of the things I’ve been working on: actually feeling what I feel, instead of talking it away. Continue reading →
I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.
I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.
But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading →
He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading →
It’s 8 days since Tony and I broke up. My first 3 days weren’t horrible, with sweating, talking, and a good fuck on Monday night. Tuesday I went out with a girlfriend for drinks and dinner. I was hoping to see the Comedian afterwards but he had to deal with work at the last minute.
Wednesday I had a friend over for dinner. Over sushi and proscecco we talked about life and breakups and the general shittiness of my situation.
Thursday I met a new man for tea. He’d reached out to me on the website for a local swingers club and had been interested in meeting me for a while. He knew about Tony and my hesitance to meet him was primarily because Tony wasn’t ready for any group play, and I didn’t want to vet any new men until that time. Continue reading →
I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting anything in a long time. There are many many words in my head but they just haven’t come out yet. After all, I was with Tony for six days, through yesterday afternoon, and goodness knows I couldn’t write in front of him.
I don’t really know where to start, and it won’t be right now. But I will tell you I didn’t manage to get through my vacation without telling Tony some of what was on my mind. As usual, there was no resolution with him. Just some explanations and discussion. But not the words I really needed to hear.
Yesterday was hard. An important meeting with a senior executive at my company, which contained some good news but also some information that was very hard to hear. I managed to have a phone conversation with Tony, and we are seeing each other on Thursday. It was nice to talk but I realised I feel so disconnected from him right now – I’ve seen him once in four weeks.
But, back to my Mom’s email:
Ann, I’m concerned about you. You seemed so sad last weekend and truly you have some big items to be sad about and to deal with. There seems to be so much stress for you these days – from dealing with and making decisions about Tony, the job uncertainty, the new routine with Liam, to dealing with Will and the dating scene. I am encouraging you to take advantage of the counseling services that must be available through your company. Please consider getting some counseling – it can’t hurt and IT MIGHT HELP. I suspect you still have issues related to your father and it would be good to sort these before embarking on another relationship. The empty and abandoned spaces inside you can only be filled temporarily with sex. I hope you can find true peace and contentment. You are not alone in your journey – there are those who love you and care about you and will be there for you.