Vacations are the kiss of death for my relationships.

I broke up with Leo three nights ago. I’d been writing about how I felt about him and doing my usual processing of things. I’d spoken to my Mom earlier in the week and decided I’d just see how things played out. There was no “burning platform” to break up. No crazy blog-finding (Fox) or police action (HWSNBN) or wives who found out about a relationship (Tony).

I decided to see how the next few weeks went, now that I’m finally relatively physically mobile and we could have more active dates. It had been 5 weeks without any Tony contact and I was working my way through that.

But the decision wasn’t sitting well in my brain. Continue reading

It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?

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I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.

While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?

I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested? Continue reading

I’m not smitten.

I’m back from my beach vacation with Leo. Despite it being a relaxing time, my brain constantly buzzed. It’s still buzzing, cycling through thoughts of men, needs, past relationships, and what it is I really want.

I planned to write yesterday but instead stayed in bed most of the day catching up on social media and work emails. I spoke to my Mom for an hour and gave her the lowdown. She gave me lots to think about, as always, commiserating on the downside of our shared analytical nature.

Why do I have anything for my brain to be buzzy about? I’m not smitten with Leo. Continue reading

Feeling discomfort in the comfortable

A lovely reader yesterday inquired whether anything bad has happened, as it had been 10 days since I’d posted. The short answer is no, everything is very… stable.

My sex life has been rather quiet – and it’s not a complaint. The very end of November was my last night with Lewis and Clark. I haven’t seen Clark since, and Lewis only once, over a month ago. The first weekend in December was the last time I had sex with Todd. I wrote about Tony on Christmas Eve. I had Jason back in my bed for the first time in a year, over a month ago.

For me, that’s quiet.  Continue reading

When the inevitable happens.

My last two months has been unusual. A broken leg, being in a cast, mostly house-bound is not what I’m used to.

Before Leo came to see me in the hospital, I hadn’t seen him for six weeks. We’d had three dates and then things went quiet as I dealt with the realization I hadn’t fully detached from Tony. I was crazy busy with work.

I needed some emotional and physical space.

Since my injury, while friends have been visiting, my child has been with me every other week, and I’ve been working at home, my life isn’t the same. It occurred to me, perhaps my situation is heightening my feelings for Leo.  Continue reading

Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading

Wading through shallow waters to find a deep end.

I hid my bumble profile again, leaving it open only to those who have connected with me. I got bored and tired of the interactions, and the few conversations just withered. I haven’t missed it.

After talking to Hy Jones, I decided to see what Adult Friend Finder had in store for me. Some of the most awesome and accepting men I’ve met came from the naughty section of a dating site I joined when first single, or from FetLife, and Hy swears there are men looking for similar things as me on AFF.

I’ve been pretty lucky to have met a number of men who are sexually open and interested in exploring. Even Fox surprised me with his kinks and interests. Maybe I bring it out in men; I suppose it’s possible. But certainly there were a number who were not my sexual match in the slightest. Continue reading

A stress release double header: My summer sausages.

8am

I still don’t have hot water. I’ve showered at the gym multiple times and it’s getting tired. At least its just me in the house this week. I’m frustrated with the whole water heater situation but I can’t imagine a more boring post than the ins and outs of gas line sizes and mold and faulty installations.

I haven’t seen Lewis since the day we failed to have the BBC party. A couple of days ago he asked what I was doing tonight, and we made plans to meet.

I have a girlfriend visiting for drinks and food while the next (and hopefully final) contractor comes to look at my hot water heater. But since he usually works late, I figured I could see him afterwards.

Yesterday night, in the heart of my phone-throwing-anger with Tony, I got the following text from Lewis: Continue reading

When habits form.

Out for dinner with some recently married family members, I passed on my advice of making sex and intimacy between couples a habit. The whole 5 of 7 rule (or whatever amount) which can help ensure the little every day annoyances likely to occur, don’t end up a barrier between a sexual relationship.

We talked about the research on forming habits. Studies show it takes two months for something to become a habit.

I got to thinking, naturally. Continue reading

Things I no longer do, and other thoughts.

I got to thinking recently about personal progress. You know, life development, personal growth, progression, all that stuff. One thing about keeping a journal or writing a blog is it’s documented for us to see – if we can actually see the patterns and behaviors and identify how they’ve changed.

It actually makes me wonder whether people who aren’t self-aware keep journals. Is it possible to document your activities and behaviors and feelings and not truly see yourself? Curious.

Anyway.  Continue reading