Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading

Wading through shallow waters to find a deep end.

I hid my bumble profile again, leaving it open only to those who have connected with me. I got bored and tired of the interactions, and the few conversations just withered. I haven’t missed it.

After talking to Hy Jones, I decided to see what Adult Friend Finder had in store for me. Some of the most awesome and accepting men I’ve met came from the naughty section of a dating site I joined when first single, or from FetLife, and Hy swears there are men looking for similar things as me on AFF.

I’ve been pretty lucky to have met a number of men who are sexually open and interested in exploring. Even Fox surprised me with his kinks and interests. Maybe I bring it out in men; I suppose it’s possible. But certainly there were a number who were not my sexual match in the slightest. Continue reading

What I think about when waiting for a lover.

On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.

I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought.

Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period.

It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop. Continue reading

My brain is never quiet but my words are. 

I write this from Hy’s balcony, enjoying the weather and sipping a coffee. It’s been a very low-key and perfect few days so far. Good friends are precious.

While I’m sure some of you would love to hear me say we’ve been out been out partying, picking up men and having crazy orgasmic sexcapades, that wasn’t on the agenda. Sure, orgasms would be fantastic but so far they haven’t been sought out or received.

While still at home, I Bumble matched with a man temporarily in my city who lives in her city (the chance of that oh-so-slim), but despite being super keen to meet, he says he’s come down with a summer cold. It’s the closest I’ve come to an orgasm on this leg of my trip. Oh well. Continue reading

Despite all of my progress…

I have Father issues. After my Dad and Mom split up, my Dad went to work in another city for over a year. I was 7 years old, and it felt like forever. I took a plane to visit him once or twice and he wrote me letters.

But despite the relatively short time and connectivity he felt as a grown-up, it was very different for me as a child.

I never really internalized my Father’s love for me until much later in my life. He was the kind of parent who praised me for my good work along with a reminder I could always do better. As a driven professional adult, I appreciate this, but as a child, it doesn’t feel good. It felt like I was never good enough and my Father didn’t love me for who I was.

He had a second child with my stepmother and he became much more overt about his love.

But the damage was done.

Continue reading

I feel different than ever before.

I’m sure part of this is about work, and how much energy – emotional and intellectual – it’s taking at the moment.

I’m sure part of this is about the series of unsuccessful experiences with men. I’m not going to say “failures” because I don’t think of them that way – I always learn something (even hard lessons), and that’s never a failure. Fox and the last guy were just too much bloody drama at the end, despite promising beginnings. It’s exhausting to deal with.

I’m sure part of this is a result of having a relationship off and on with the same man for over a year, with the ultimate frustration being I haven’t been able to know what it’s like to be with him in a serious and integrated relationship. I’ve been so focussed on trying to get what I want I haven’t stopped to think what would happen when I get it. But that should be its own post. Continue reading

I am not afraid.

I write this from a deck chair, in my bikini, hat, and sunglasses, overlooking meadow and water. I’m two days into a two-week vacation with Liam. One of the things I’ve most enjoyed about being single is I can plan whatever vacation time I want. I rented a house on the ocean and it’s been bliss so far. I’m working on my bikini tan lines and getting used to having my middle exposed to the sun and the world (here, the world is defined as some cattle who are on the property next door, some seagulls, and a weathered old woman neighbor).

I booked this trip when Will was still away, so asking for two weeks solid with his child wasn’t an issue. Now that he’s back, I have Liam these two weeks, and the last two weeks of August he’ll be with his Dad. His Dad who just came back from a 10 day trip with Colleen and her two girls and their nanny but for some reason didn’t bring Liam along. It would have been a trip he could remember forever.

But giving him those memories has fallen to me, at least so far. Continue reading

I decided to tell Fox (most of) the truth and lived to tell about it.

My timeline bounced around a little between Fox and Tony so here’s the order of operations, for the context of this post:

  1. I had an overnight with Tony after not seeing him for three weeks. I left Tony’s house to go to my parents, and then I…
  2. …had my fifth date with Fox at a sporting event.
  3. After that meeting, Fox got sensitive about asking for feedback and my feelings.
  4. We decided to talk about it at our next date the following Tuesday. This post is about that date.

Continue reading

I think I know how guys feel when a woman wants to pin them down.

Fox and I had our nice overnight sporting event date. That morning we slept in, fooled around, I made us lattes and we drank them in bed. Then he had to leave since Liam was being dropped off by my Mom fairly early.

A few hours after he left, we had the following text exchange: Continue reading

Mr. Fox came to my party & I hid my dating profiles

I have a party three times a year. The summer and winter ones are wine tastings, and the fall one was a “sausage and nuts” party (get it?!)

My party has been a key milestone in a few of the relationships I’ve had in the past two years. I broke up with Naked Ironing Man after he bailed in January 2014. Johnny Id was at my August 2014 party (he wrote a few posts about the party, which were fun for me to read). Tony came to the February 2015 party and it made me so very happy he’d put in the effort.

My last party was last week. I impulsively invited Fox. Given his schedule constraints I knew if he didn’t come, I wouldn’t see him for far too long a time (meaning, over a week). I also figured why the heck not; it was a good way to see how he interacted with my friends and how he was in social situations. Continue reading