Despite all of my progress…

I have Father issues. After my Dad and Mom split up, my Dad went to work in another city for over a year. I was 7 years old, and it felt like forever. I took a plane to visit him once or twice and he wrote me letters.

But despite the relatively short time and connectivity he felt as a grown-up, it was very different for me as a child.

I never really internalized my Father’s love for me until much later in my life. He was the kind of parent who praised me for my good work along with a reminder I could always do better. As a driven professional adult, I appreciate this, but as a child, it doesn’t feel good. It felt like I was never good enough and my Father didn’t love me for who I was.

He had a second child with my stepmother and he became much more overt about his love.

But the damage was done.

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rejected by a date

I’ve regressed a little bit.

I own my good behavior. It’s easy to write about the shit I do that I’m proud off. There’s lots of it, usually. Harder is admitting when I do shit that I know it counterproductive or just dumb.

I’ve done some dumb shit, and I own it too.

I know I’ve learned more from my mistakes than my accomplishments. This is true in work as well as my personal life. When I think back to the guys who really fucked me up over the last few years, those are the lessons that helped me get better at dating and survive what can feel like a constant onslaught of rejection and bullshit.  Continue reading

yes, i want a boyfriend

Yes I want a boyfriend, but I don’t need one

In a text conversation with one of my girlfriends recently, I made a comment along the lines of wanting to have someone in my life because it’s simply better that way.

Doesn’t seem like a big revelation, but it did help me understand my nuances and how I can be okay on my own while also hoping to find someone.

Here’s the thing. I see a lot of people who want someone in their life because their self-esteem and security is tied to having a partner. They need external validation. Faraway Lover was like this – he mourned the loss of his marriage and quickly found a replacement. Despite needing reassurances from lots of women, ultimately he needed one person who was always going to be there for him. Continue reading

He’s so tall it takes a while for his texts to come through

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Thank goodness for my friends who help keep me sane when I temporarily lose my shit a little bit.

In not hearing back from the Tall Man, after some fairly steady communication, I found myself oscillating between believing it was completely fine and believing he obviously wasn’t into me.

Reasons it was fine:

  • He is busy with work
  • He had his kid all weekend
  • We had a date set so there was no need to keep texting

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Intimacy with friends and lovers

I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy. How we build it, and what happens when its destroyed. How we simultaneously can want it, and shrink from it.

It can be fucking terrifying, yet freeing.

Many people were surprised I would spend a weekend away with someone so early in our relationship. I wanted to see what it would be like. What he was like, and what we were like together. It’s hard to be only on your best behavior for four days. And given his early declarations of love for me, I was very keen to suss out whether my gut was wrong: could he actually be needy and in love with love? Continue reading

It's easy to be chill when you don't care.

A few months ago, I came across an article which had me saying “YES. This.” It’s called “Against Chill”.

I am decidedly un-chill. I am passionate and intense and feel deep and fall hard.

But I can cultivate chill. I talk the big brave talk about my dating rules, which 95% of the time I’m really good at following. Like I mentioned last week, I’m rather proudly blasé about not hearing from the Accountant or Mr. Fetlife. Hell, I even totally missed that Mr. Checklist and I hadn’t texted for three days.

Yup. I’m a badass chill cool cat.

Yeah, right. Continue reading

Am I really that forgettable? How not to get a second date.

You may recall my story of my second first-date last week. I called him Mr Checklist. I thought it was a great first date, even if I didn’t get a chance to see how he kissed.

After our date I sent him a thank you and wished him well on his long drive home. He responded he would home shortly. That was Tuesday.

Friday night, in the midst of drinking, hanging out, and talking about my dates with Hy Jones, I realized I hadn’t responded back to his email. “Shit!” I thought – perhaps he thinks I’m not interested.

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It’s no wonder I’m stressed.

I’ve been craving bad food for weeks now and am back to my daily drinking. Before anyone worries excessively about my alcohol consumption, I will be specific. Prior to getting sick in the Fall, I had a glass of wine or two each night. I wouldn’t drink to get drunk but certainly felt the effects.

Being sick ended that. I didn’t feel like it and I also realized it wasn’t the healthiest habit.  A drink a day is fine but I definitely exceeded that on a regular basis.

However I realized in recent weeks I’m back to my old habits. In addition, I’ve been craving sweets (normally just a once a month thing) and bad food in general. And giving in to those cravings. Continue reading

I don't think I can have this Friend With Benefits

I write this from the town that Johnny Id and I visited when he was here at the beginning of August. I’m here with my Mom and some close friends.

The stores and places remind me of him. Then there was the man who looked EXACTLY like him sitting on a park bench. My Mom did a double take, as did I. We ended up seeing him multiple times over the course of the afternoon, and were even at the same restaurant for dinner. We’ve passed the hotel we stayed at several times.

I caught myself looking at gifts for his birthday numerous times. Then I had to give myself a shake and remember he’s not talking to me.

It happened more than once. I suppose it’s natural. All I can do is take one step at a time. Continue reading

My masturbation journey

I don’t have any recollection of masturbating after age 9. Which means I did when I was younger, but I’ll get back to that.

I lost my virginity when I was just shy of my 14th birthday. From age 14 to 25 (when I met my ex), I had a lot of sex. There is still such a stigma on the number of sex partners a woman has had, that even in this setting, fully anonymous, I find it hard to actually tell you how many partners I had. I do know, because I wrote them all down. But let’s just say, depending on which study you cite, it could be up to nine times the average at the time. Whoo. That’s not even counting the number since. Alright, moving right along.

Obviously such a sexual creature would masturbate, right? Nope. I do recall trying a couple of times…but my fingers never seemed to do the trick. I tried with a cucumber once but it was cold and unyielding and unpleasant. It didn’t occur to me to go to a sex shop and outfit myself with toys. So I just didn’t.

I didn’t start masturbating again until…wait for it…
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