It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?

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I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.

While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?

I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested? Continue reading

3 nights of 2am (Part 2)

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I followed Todd up the stairs to my bedroom.

The combination of weed and alcohol eliminated what verbal filter I usually have. I wish I could have recorded the shit that came out of my mouth that night but will have to rely on my faulty and sex-addled memory.

I told him I was wearing a great bra and panties. La Perla.

He took his time admiring and then quickly relieved me of both. Continue reading

Dinner, wine, and quality time with Jake

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I originally titled this post “Friday night was slutty even for me”, but in the grand scheme of things having sex with two men in the span of 6 hours isn’t the most extreme thing I’ve done. Not by a long shot.

In my car on the way to my girlfriends I called a blogging friend for a first-time phone call; it was a delightful way to spend the drive back into the center of the city.

My friend and I had a couple of hours together – she’d just come back from an amazing trip and regaled me with the stories. We ever so briefly touched on my pre- and post-dinner plans. She’s been dating the same man since shortly after I met Tony, so she’s comfortable in her year-long relationship and thankfully her dating chaos days are behind her. At least for the foreseeable future. Continue reading

a great second date with Kyle

Are we having a moment? My second date with Kyle

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“Ann, are you telling me you and I both have dark blue cars with tan interiors?”

We hold each other’s gaze from across the table.

“Kyle, are we having a moment?”

Ann, indeed I think we are. Give me a second to recover. Wow.”

We burst out laughing. Continue reading

He’s so tall it takes a while for his texts to come through

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Thank goodness for my friends who help keep me sane when I temporarily lose my shit a little bit.

In not hearing back from the Tall Man, after some fairly steady communication, I found myself oscillating between believing it was completely fine and believing he obviously wasn’t into me.

Reasons it was fine:

  • He is busy with work
  • He had his kid all weekend
  • We had a date set so there was no need to keep texting

Continue reading

won't be part of his deception

I won’t be an actor in a play filled with lies

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For the first time ever, Tony told me he loved me. Despite some of you thinking it was manipulative, it seemed to me to be said more from surprise and compassion. I’d suspected for a long time he did love me, but it was wonderful to finally hear it.

Even if it was too late, and wouldn’t change a thing.

I punched him in the chest and say “you ass, why didn’t you ever tell me that before?”

He just looked at me blankly and said “I dunno Ann. Because I’m a guy? But I do love you.”

Continue reading

i didn't hesitate to tell Tony all my grievances

The wrath of Ann

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I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.

I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.

But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading

tony told me the truth and I hated it

Being angry via text

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Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.

I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.

At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”.  Nothing.

I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.

Continue reading

first date kiss sporting event

A kiss shared with thousands | my first date with Ian

Ian from the beginningPrevious Post

He paid for dinner, and we went to the game. He didn’t lead me by the hand but was mindful of where I was in relation to him, as we threaded our way through the crowd.

He knew a few people we passed on the way, working the event. He stopped to chat with each of them and introduced me as his “friend Ann”. It was nice to get the opportunity to see how he interacted with other humans. He was polite and kind and just a touch awkward – not knowing how to close off a conversation seamlessly to let them let back to work.

I found it endearing and real. Continue reading