A small morning surprise.

Late last week I had my first real struggle accepting Tony’s communications behavior. He’s been relatively quiet since late last week, as he’s been preparing for and running a few shoots.

On his night-before drive to his location we spoke, and texted a couple of times the next day. He said the shoot was running late but he was hoping to have phone sex on the ride home.

Several hours passed with no communication. My evening got fucked up; I was supposed to be at a formal event for work but my nanny lost my house key (and car fob!) which meant I had to go home instead to let her and Liam in. I was irritated. I sat my ass on my couch and watched “The Walking Dead” and was feeling empathy for Tony that he was stuck on a long shoot.

By 10:30 at night I texted him to ask how the shoot was going.

His response?

“Home” Continue reading

What's old is new again 2 | Another chance to call a man out on his BS

I wrote about one of my first dates and how I got the opportunity to tell him he got no more access to my sexiness unless we were actually dating. It felt so awesome to write that message.

Some of you thought he would reach out. I knew he wouldn’t, and he hasn’t. So fucking telling, no?

But guess what?? It happened again. This guy I also wrote about – he went silent after some pretty hot phone sex.

He sent me a message on OK Cupid, and I responded politely. But after his second text I just had to say what was on my mind.  Continue reading

Some things I have learned.

I have been giving a fellow blogger a bit of dating advice (don’t laugh) recently. As she gets text messages from various men she reaches out to ask my opinion on the best next course of action.

Advice can be useless if it’s only grounded in what you would do. It has to be appropriate for the other person. All too often, we are incapable of putting ourselves in the proverbial shoes of another. It’s all about empathy and trying to understand thoughts and behavior from another’s point of view.

But I digress.

In giving solicited advice, I realized I’ve learned a few things about men. I am generally not one to write advice posts – but I did think it a good idea for me to write this down, so I don’t forget either. I still find myself wondering what will spell the end of my relationship with Tony. Will he ever open up? Will he desire to spread his dating wings? Will there be something one of us learns about the other that makes things untenable?

But I digress again.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

1) The answer to any question which is the equivalent of “do you like me” will always be “yes”.

I often want reassurance, and I don’t think it’s unique. There are various ways we can get it – both words and actions. One thing I learned is that people are loathe to create conflict of any kind.

So if you think texting a man and saying “would you like to try to see me again” will get anything other than a “sure”, you are mistaken. One in a hundred, maybe, will be honest.

Open-ended questions are way better – but much less conductive to text messaging.

But then we act as if getting a positive response is, well, a positive sign. We read too much into it. And then expect that of course he will reach out again. And when he doesn’t?

2) Pushing hard for what you want rarely achieves it.

I have come to believe if a man wants something, he will seek it out. The thing to remember is it probably won’t be on your timeline.

I used to fool myself that I needed to push for a decision, an outcome, or remind someone that we are supposed to get together. It’s just not true. I suppose there are a few men who genuinely would forget to get dressed in the morning if someone didn’t remind them, but I suspect it’s not that many.

I don’t believe in game playing and being scarce to increase a man’s interest in me. I can’t stand that behavior. BUT I do think you stay in touch and not push an agenda or harp on when you are going to get together next. If he wants to, he will ask.

It’s scary to back off the questions and reminders and attempt to get reassurance. But you know what happens if you do?

3) Give someone a bit of time and their actions will tell you how they really feel.

Again, this isn’t about the classic advice given to women about deliberately being “unavailable” or “elusive”. But not pushing constantly will let actions speak clearly.

It’s scary, but it’s WAY better to know how someone actually feels about you.

I have found, without exception, ceasing to be the one that always reignites a conversation will inevitably tell me if they are interested. I could link to so many examples here. Dan is a good example. While he would eventually respond to a text, when I stopped instigating he simply stopped communicating. I’d have to look in my posts to see when I last heard from him. It’s been a while. I doubt I will ever hear from him again (and my car still hasn’t been fixed).

But when I pushed? We would meet. Obviously there was some base level of attraction or interest in a good fuck. But ultimately, it was pretty minimal.

In contrast, there are others who continue to communicate with me – Jason for example. Now, we have established something beyond fuck buddies, but it’s important to know that he proactively thinks of me. He’s worth my time even though our communications are infrequent these days.

4) If someone says they will see you and then doesn’t follow through, don’t wait for them.   

When you give them a line as in #1 above, and they say “sure let’s get together”, and then don’t follow through, go ahead and make your own plans. If they do follow and at the last minute ask what you are doing that night, saying “oh I figured you weren’t serious since you never followed through before – maybe next time” will increase your value in their eyes.

Now I know I said I didn’t like games, but this is different in my mind (feel free to challenge). If someone wants to make plans with me they will, more than a night in advance. Too often I held a night free in the often vain hope someone would follow through. NIM was a repeat offender.

My new approach became in the absence of concrete plans, to make my own. I gotta say, tied to the point above, I rarely had the opportunity to say “sorry too late”. They just weren’t that into me.

But it was liberating, making the choice myself. Realizing I have the power to do my own thing, not waiting around for some dude. Ultimately having my own plans felt WAY better, because although still a rejection when you realize they aren’t that into you, you are busy doing something (or someone) else.

5) Some men just like sexting and the promise of meeting, and have no plans to actually meet you, no matter how much they talk about it. 

I don’t really get this as I’ve never had an opportunity to talk at length with someone who admits to this behavior.

I do know a few blog men who engage with multiple women for hot chats and pictures. In those cases, there is little actual opportunity for them to meet the women. I did have some theories on what they (and the women) got from those interactions, and it partially inspired my users post so you can read about my snarky theories there.

But I my issue is really about the expectations a man sets with a woman. If a guy says he wants to meet someone, and discusses what it would be like, and even goes so far as to tentatively make plans, then of course she is going to believe it’s going to happen.

But when they have no intention to meet? That’s what I’m really perplexed about. If it’s hot to sext with someone, then talk to someone, why the heck wouldn’t you want to meet that someone?

Before I wised up to it, I was on the receiving end of this several times. One thing that helped me realise this was the time I spent on the lavalife “intimate” section, which was where I started online and where I met Jason and NIM. There were men there who wanted to sext – using that sites instant messaging feature – and they would be on the opposite side of the world. I realized its all they wanted. So I suppose the same would apply to guys who live 10 minutes away.


As always, I’m interested in what you think. Do these resonate with you?

It was really good, before it got bad (FL 6)

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Giving everything to another man (FL 5)

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Then the emotions got even stronger (FL 4)

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The addiction of a new relationship (FL 3)

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Happy Birthday to my Blog

It’s not a coincidence that I started my blog on the first day of my birthday month. I tend to be reflective around this time, and last year was no exception. More so, given it had only been a few weeks after I’d moved into my new place, and just a few weeks before then that my ex and I had ended our marriage.

At the urging of a close friend, I decided to re-start my journal, and decided to do it in blog format. And off I went.

I blogged steadily last September. My sex drive was super high (it still is, so this is probably just how it’s going to be). I had rediscovered my sexual confidence, which was amazing. I was feeling good about myself yet was sleeping with pretty much every man I met for “drinks”. Here are some highlights: Continue reading

Deceit and lies.

A question was posed on another blog late last night, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since the implied situation resonated so strongly with what I went through. Instead of responding as a comment I decided to write a post of my own, since it could be lengthy and I haven’t really tackled this topic before.

What should be expected when you are already in a deceitful relationship?  Honor among thieves, as it were?

I can only speak from my own experience. As many of you know, when I first embarked on a relationship outside my marriage, it was with my husband’s explicit consent. But while we agreed to an open marriage, it was a total don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. So yes, not quite “open”. But I have no better descriptor for it. I had told him that while he said I could be with others, I didn’t feel the same. Hypocritical? Sure. But at the time of the discussion, I couldn’t really see myself acting on what I had permission to do.

Of course, you know the story of how it happened. If you don’t, you can read it here. Continue reading

100 hours

So.  I am doing something impulsive and potentially reckless.  It’s also possibly the most romantic thing I will ever do.

I’m meeting Matthew in 100 hours.

Yup.

Every day in the last few weeks, without exception, we have texted or talked on the phone.  For hours at a time.  I haven’t had a good nights sleep in weeks…since the time difference is brutal.  I’ve managed to keep focus on work – well, not always, if I’m being honest.  I’m trying to catch up on sleep but dopey things keep getting in the way.  Like a 6 year-old asking for chapstick at 5am, or a StepDad who doesn’t remember I sleep in on the Saturday’s I don’t have the 6 year-old.

I am completely captivated.  Continue reading