back in the online dating shallow pool

I jumped back into the shallow end.

I think it’s been a year since I’ve been on an online dating site. I don’t count AFF because that was about something else.

But this weekend I decided I needed a distraction from Kyle. I also figured it wouldn’t hurt me to dip my toe in the water and see how it felt. I got tired of it quickly last time – surviving a couple of days on OKCupid and a few weeks on Bumble.

So I unhid my profile on Plenty of Fish. A site I’ve avoided for a while, but it’s where I met Shenanigans (still there!), Fox (not there; still dating the woman he met right after me), and Tony (better not be there!).  Continue reading

A picture of a tall man for texts

Kyle’s 5 day postmortem.

Monday was the date where Kyle said he’d like to see more of me, and agreed he would try to be more responsive to texts. I figured it would be good for me to write about how things go with him, to help keep me honest. Not that I’m not honest… but it’s easier to ignore a reality I don’t like when it’s not staring me in the face.

Hy and I share a quirk which I find interesting – and it’s about how we perceive time. I’ve written about this in relation to Tony and I don’t think I got my point across very well. I’m not sure exactly why this is, but I tend to think more time has passed than it has.  Continue reading

I’m cold-hearted.

Before I broke up with Leo, we’d arranged to go see a sporting event together to which I had tickets. When we broke up, we agreed to still go as friends.

Awkwardly, it was supposed to be the night I went on my date with Kyle, so when he asked me, I worked it out with a friend who had tickets to the game the next night to switch – which worked better for them anyway. I simply told Leo I needed to change the date – and turned out he had the date wrong anyway. So the comedy of errors was resolved without incident and I made myself free for Kyle.

Leo and I have had little contact since the breakup. We haven’t seen each other nor talked on the phone. A few text messages here or there. He’s had some illness in his family so it was mostly about that. Continue reading

When time evaporates. 

Knowing he was likely in meetings all day, I didn’t bother trying to make plans with Kyle in advance. Despite a bad track record, we’d confirmed the previous day and we agreed to sort out the specifics the day of.

He knew I was going to see my personal trainer after work and I’d be free at 6pm. We’d agreed to meet in our neighbourhood (we live about 10 minutes apart) and to the time, so other than the place, there wasn’t much to confirm. Therefore I waited until I was leaving the gym to text, and we had the following exchange: 


Needing some time to get ready, I made the decision that 7:30 would be just fine, and went ahead and called the restaurant. I noted he’d replied quickly, and was pleasantly surprised to see his “on my way” text. 

While getting ready I texted Hy, who reminded me of all the times he’d bailed and that if he did so again (or hurt me) she would stab him with a butter knife. I told her I’d pass the message on, and later, I did just that. 

When I’d made my reservation I told the owner my date was really tall and could he make sure we had a table that would suit. “How Tall, Ann?” he asked, and when I told him he said “oi! that IS tall!” 

I arrived a few minutes before Kyle and the owner greeted me and asked me who was joining me tonight. He said the moment he saw me he figured it was a date. I wore a sleeveless black linen dress with a v-neck, fitted at the top but with a full skirt. Classy and simple. Nothing too fancy or revealing, although underneath was black lace and stay-up stockings. No jewellery except a vintage pewter cuff. The highest stable heels I could manage, as the ankle still doesn’t like my 3″ pumps. 

I told him yes, it was a date, and I was pretty excited about it. He smiled and laughed and called me Bella, and then said “oh he’s here” as Kyle walked in. Pretty easy to spot the guy who’s close to 7′ tall.

I’m sure if my Mother saw me at that moment she’d say I was glowing. Despite all of the “he will probably bail” self-talk, I was super excited. I have liked Kyle since our first date, actually since our first few moments together. 

He greeted me with a kiss and I couldn’t help but say “I can’t believe you are actually here in front of me.” Cue the banter. We joked it might be time to reconsider my religious beliefs since miracles can occur. He told me he was supposed to fly out for work that night, since a client asked for a meeting the next morning. He said “I told them I couldn’t do it, that I had something tonight I couldn’t miss. I knew you’d kill me.” I concurred with his assessment and thanked him for rearranging his schedule. 

The next couple of hours just evaporated. We talked a lot about work, how we are dealing with our responsibilities and the teams we lead. We traded funny work travel stories and talked about how tall our children are. He touched my arm on occasion and we leaned in to be close.

After dessert was served, he brought up a few of the mishaps we experienced in our communication. How during a time I wasn’t talking to him (his words) he noticed I liked a picture his cousin posted on Instagram (his cousin has a very cool photography based account). I explained to him why I stopped following him there:

“Kyle, I believe we all have discretionary time (to a greater or lesser extent), and we make choices to to spend it on things that matter. I couldn’t handle it when I was waiting for you to text me back and I’d see you were instead choosing to be active on social media. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want to follow you there.” 

“Hmm, yeah, I get that Ann. There was that time I was sick and remember you got mad at me because I’d been active there.” 

It took him a few minutes to remember the whole story, yet I knew exactly what happened the moment he brought it up. He’d agreed to come over one night and then went silent, and I was surfing IG and saw him active there, and hours later he told me he was sick and had been sleeping. Which sure, he may have been asleep on and off, but the way I figured it (and still do), if you have time to play on IG you have time to reply to someone’s text when they are waiting for you to show up.

I told him it was water under the bridge, because it is. I’m not going to ignore the past, but neither does it do any good to continually berate someone for it. I’m pretty sure I knew why he acted the way he did, and while that doesn’t make it right it does make a difference. My ability to discount bad behaviour because of good intentions is not a blessing, but at least I’m aware of it and try to keep it in check.

All too soon, he said “okay Ann I will walk you home; I have an early meeting tomorrow and need to get to bed.”

Damn, I thought, I was really hoping to make out with him and yeah, maybe have sex (!) with him. Quickly followed with an alternate thought – his waiting to have sex can’t be bad.

He walked me to my door and came inside. I had to pee and asked him to not order his Uber just yet because it had been since August since I’d kissed him. He laughed and said “don’t worry I won’t do anything while you’re in the bathroom.

When I came out he was on my couch. I sat down next to him and we talked about art. He asked about the amazing embroidered anatomical heart that Maurnas made for me. He remembered it wasn’t in that spot the last time he was there. I was impressed.

He asked if I was going to kiss him and I huffed saying two of us had the opportunity to do so. More banter, then he said “oh just come here” while he grabbed my arm and pulled me into him.

There was too much joking around for us to get too heated. Which in hindsight was fine since he was leaving. I asked him how we were going to see each other again with more frequency. He said “Ann honestly I don’t know, but I do want to spend more time with you.”

He told me while he joked about being afraid of being killed had he had to leave that night, he said it was more about actually wanting to see me. He said he was trying to be more responsive and hoped I’d noted that (I had). He reiterated one of his challenges is he doesn’t know his schedule much in advance, and it changes.

I told him I understood his travel and schedule challenges, however my issue was when he went silent or didn’t reply to my texts.

He explained: “Ann I think the thing for me was I didn’t want to keep disappointing you. I’d know I’d say I’d see you on a certain week and then it would be Friday and I wouldn’t be able to and I knew you’d be upset. And to be clear I know that’s not the way I should have handled things, but that’s what I’d be thinking.” 

Which was pretty close to what I’d figured. His defensiveness when I’d scold him via text told me he knew he was in the wrong. Anyway, who likes to be criticized and scolded?

He said he would try. That once he knew his schedule for the next couple of weeks he’d reach out.

I said “Kyle, I don’t want to text every day all day. I don’t want to be with someone who wants all of my time. I need my own time and time for friends and the kid. I just want the opportunity to date you; to see if we have the potential I think we have. I was so excited to see you tonight, and I haven’t felt that way about someone in a really long time.”

He said he was equally excited to see me and knows that’s what I want. He said he wants the same thing and agrees we have that potential. He reiterated he wanted to spend more time with me.

He kissed me goodnight, and Kyle and his good intentions went off into the warm Spring night.

The pursuit of Kyle.

I’ve avoided writing about him, but granted there is little to say. I’ve admitted I can’t get him out of my head – the man with whom I have three great times together, physical and intellectual chemistry, and who has a terrible track record of bailing on dates.

Kyle.

His appeal to me isn’t the chase; he’s on the surface very close to what I’m looking for, with some added bonuses. Crazily tall, dark, and handsome. A good job and unthreatened by mine, long-ago divorced with a good relationship with his ex, a family man who has taken his Mom on vacations. Intellectual banter and humor. Great kissing chemistry. And although I haven’t seen it, he seems to be packing a lot in his pants.

And yes, he has an annoying habit to go silent and be petulant when reminded of broken promises.

So yeah, there’s that too.

The last broken date was in December or early January. I’d reached out a few weeks earlier and we’d had a steady but infrequent text conversation. He planned to come for lunch, then had to cancel due to a sick child. I don’t fault him for the cancel, and he told me as soon as he found out, but given our history I expected more from him by way of apology or making up for it.

I send him a well worded text about misalignment of expectations and never heard back.

A few months later I reached out by text, saying I knew it had been a few months but wondering if he was still too busy or if he wanted to try again.

His quick reply? No, still busy but yes, wanted to meet.

It’s been several weeks of the usual communication style and us trying to match schedules. My travel schedule was way busier than usual which didn’t help.

It’s been just over a year since our first date. When I mentioned it, he texted “Happy Anniversary!”, and shortly after he asked me for dinner. 

Tonight.

The excitement I felt at the prospect is exactly the feeling I’ve been missing for months. I knew I had to temper my excitement because the chance of him cancelling was 95%. I tried to ignore the signs that could mean this time was different, because I’ve been down this road with him before.

I failed at tempering my excitement. The “xoxo” after his Happy Mother’s Day text I tried to dismiss as habit. Him telling me he really looked forward to seeing me I discounted as… no, I’m lying. I couldn’t discount that one at all. I know intentions mean nothing without action, but there is something about this guy that seriously excites me.

As far as I know, our date is still on. We confirmed yesterday, including a time and rough location. Here’s hoping something can come of this.

Leo and I figure things out.

The trip with Leo had my head spinning. I sat on the plane, watching the sunset, listening to music, and turning things over and over. What was it I really wanted, why wasn’t I content, could anything be done about it. What did I say to him, if anything.

Sometimes things are clear for me in dating and I only need to figure out what I want to say.

But with Leo it wasn’t as straightforward. On the plus side, I knew he was trying. He is a solid family man, a good dad, and has close friends. He’s self-confident and kind. He was chill about my blog and seemed to have no issues with my sexual history or even my current ask to be non-exclusive. None of these are qualities to be taken lightly.  Continue reading

I’m one delayed response away from being a cynical bitch.

I haven’t missed the bullshit of dating.

I briefly reinstalled Bumble after breaking up with Leo after our vacation, less because I was serious about trying to find someone new than simply to see how it felt to put myself back out there.

It was boring. Men who can’t find anything to ask other than “hey what’s up” and “how was your day”, men who swipe right and reply once, just to ignore you afterwards, men who are not interesting at all. Men you like who don’t like you back.

I was somewhat relieved to find wasn’t bouncing right back into it.  Continue reading

From theory to practice with Leo.

Leo and I booked a date after our big talk. A full-on dinner and activity weekend date. I was cautiously optimistic.

It was going to be a beautiful day so at the last minute we modified our plans. He came to my house just after lunch and we planned to do a day trip to a nearby wine region, visit some of the quaint towns in the area, and have dinner. If anything was going to be an issue, it wasn’t going to be our itinerary!

Continue reading

I have no secrets now.

Previous Post

Leo, you’re on Facebook but not other social media, why is that?”

“I’m not very active on Facebook, Ann. I figure those people who want to know about my life will pick up the phone.”

“Yeah, I get that. What do you think about people who share a lot online?”

“Well it all depends, I think it’s attention seeking sometimes which just isn’t me. Why do you ask?”

“Have you ever looked up my profile on Facebook?” Continue reading

Two steps forward and one step back.

Previous Post

I had some decisions to make. Did I believe him? Mostly. I knew there was a chance he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, but seeing how uncomfortable he was, and the way he told me, led me to believe there was far more truth to his words than lies.

I didn’t write it all out, but I did challenge him on a number of things during our conversation. The most important for me was how it was possible he didn’t feel comfortable with me, given how open I’d been with him about my own sexuality.

Continue reading