What I think about when waiting for a lover.

On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.

I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought.

Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period.

It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop. Continue reading

eating and sleeping alone

I don’t like having meals out alone

This past weekend, I went away – alone. I had an extra day off and no plans. My friends were all busy. Even if I wanted to use Tony as a crutch, he was away for work. And since Kyle hardly texts let alone declare his love for me on our second date (cough, cough), we aren’t remotely close to the “go away together” stage yet.

Given all the drama I’ve experienced in the last couple of months plus the work stress I’m under, I really wanted to get away.

I booked a train trip. Two nights at a hotel with a king bed and crisp white sheets. A dinner each night with one of my closest friends and her family. A day at a spa – the kind with steam rooms, saunas, hot tubs, cold water springs, fireplaces, and hammocks. A 90 minute massage with Jonathan. A facial the next day.

Bliss.

Kind of. Continue reading

A perfect relationship he always wanted

This is the relationship he always wanted.

I was driving this morning from my hotel to the airport to go home. I’m beyond exhausted, due to a late night rendezvous with a former blogger (the second post will come soon).

I love to drive – not in city traffic, but on winding tree-lined highways where I can exceed the speed limit, if there is one. I listen to music and sing along and think.

Despite my addled sleep deprived state, or perhaps because of it, I had a moment of clarity.

Tony finally has the relationship with me he always wanted. Continue reading

I’m not hiding from you, but from my mind.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting anything in a long time. There are many many words in my head but they just haven’t come out yet. After all, I was with Tony for six days, through yesterday afternoon, and goodness knows I couldn’t write in front of him.

I don’t really know where to start, and it won’t be right now. But I will tell you I didn’t manage to get through my vacation without telling Tony some of what was on my mind. As usual, there was no resolution with him. Just some explanations and discussion. But not the words I really needed to hear.

Not that I expected to hear what I wanted. I’m no fool.  Continue reading

A little musical interlude 

Tony is quiet this week; he’s gearing up for several jobs in the next few weeks and has gotten darn busy.

I haven’t imploded or worked myself into a “he doesn’t like me frenzy”. I did get temporarily miffed I hadn’t heard from him in well over 12 hours but I chose to send him a fun text and not worry about it. He called me before bed.

I got a new phone: the iPhone 6s which isn’t inherently exciting, but I am jazzed about getting the one with 128Mb memory. Finally I can have the amount of music I want on my phone. I have a massive music collection (over 200,000 songs in iTunes – don’t get me started on my hate for iTunes and its inability to handle large libraries) and love music, period. Continue reading

My fifth date with the Fox.

Fox and I had our fifth date a week after my party (not counting it as a date); I had invited him to join me at a sporting event.

Liam was still with me, as Will had taken a 10 day trip with Colleen and her children (it’s a whole other post trying to understand why he didn’t take Liam). He was staying with my Mom overnight so I could go to the game.

Fox met me at our arranged pick up spot, needing some guidance from me on where exactly to be, as he’s not familiar with our city core. It was ever so slightly annoying that the man with built-in GPS who works a five-minute drive from there couldn’t figure it out. Any whiff of helplessness is a massive turn off for me – in men and women. Continue reading

A third date with Mr. Fox in three days. 

I am so fucking behind in writing. My third date with Mr Fox was 12 days ago. I’m going to give some short versions of my stories so that I can get back to doing what I prefer – writing in real time.

Here goes:

We met again for our third date over lunch near my house didn’t have sex and he took forever to really touch me but he used ice on my nipples finger fucked me to orgasm and then had to leave for a meeting. The End.

What, not enough? Continue reading

I've made a decision: I'm letting go.

I’m sitting in my living room, which I slightly restructured yesterday morning. Listening to 60s music on vinyl. Drinking a coffee.

I’m alone on Mother’s Day morning. My bed was empty except for me. Liam is having brunch with his Dad and Colleen this morning. I’m not seeing him until later today. And today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.

Seeing the positives is a wee challenge in this particular moment. But I have a latte, good music, a carpet now free of the red-wine stains from a party weeks ago, my french doors are open, and the birds are singing.

It’s perhaps been a month of waffling about what to do about Tony. I’m done waffling. Continue reading

Part Two | What not to do when you are planning to break up with someone

Part One

I looked him in the eye and said (not verbatim, and not a monologue):

I am confused and frustrated. I feel that you are not emotionally available. You are not ready to be someone’s boyfriend. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. I believe you feel about me the way you say. Perhaps you just aren’t ready – you have a lot of stuff to sort out. Perhaps you don’t know how. Perhaps you don’t realize that what we have is hard to find. The reasons, however, are irrelevant. 

New relationships need care and feeding. I don’t just know how you feel – you have to tell me. I get more “good morning beautiful” texts from exes than from you. My ex husband called me to see how I was doing with my job loss, yet I heard nothing from you. I feel as if you are here for me when it’s convenient, but if it really takes an effort, it’s too much for you. Continue reading

When Don Draper and I share a moment

People tell you who they are but we ignore it. We want them to be who we want them to be. ~ Don Draper, Mad Men

I’m at home, after being away for an overnight trip with my Mom, one of her closest friends, and her daughter. We’ve done the same trip annually for 33 years – always to see a show. It’s a weekend of talking, shopping, theatre (usually a musical), more talking, and overall good times. Tony was a topic of much conversation this weekend.

The show was a Friday matinee; I took the day off work.

I hadn’t heard anything from Tony since Thursday mid-afternoon. 

With the first song of the show, I started crying. If there were 20 songs, I cried during 17. Good music has always affected me strongly, and there are some songs which will always make me cry (especially if I’m singing them), but this was unusual for me. Continue reading