When kissing leads to a cancelled date

I had a sore throat on my first date with Bruce. I didn’t think much of it, or better said, I wasn’t going to think about what it could mean. I was still in denial. The day after I woke up feeling terrible and worked from home. I’m a big believer in not coming into the office with a contagion. 

We kissed each other goodbye on the Wednesday. I was sick through Monday, when I saw him for our second date. He’d been away and I hadn’t mentioned not feeling well. I didn’t want to sound sickly to a guy I’d just started dating. It’s a sore point – my ex always gave me a hard time for staying home when I didn’t feel well.

We had an amazing date that Monday. The next day he mentioned he was getting a shore throat. I cringed inwardly. I told him I hoped I didn’t get him sick.

But I did. 

After his Wednesday night went sideways with work, I was rather eager for our Friday date. We were going to go to an event and I knew he would stay overnight. I wanted the opportunity to keep getting to know him better, and I very much wanted to experience his beautiful cock again. 

It would be the perfect send-off to my almost three-week trip with Liam, but it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t regret kissing him on our first date but it denied me a night and morning with him. Bummer. 

And for all of you cynics out there, yes, he was really sick. We ended up speaking on the phone for a couple of hours off and on. We had a great discussion about dating and what we are looking for. I learned more about him and how he thinks and feel more secure he’s not a player talking to tons of people. 

I’ve deleted the POF app from my phone and am not pursuing anyone else for a relationship. I have time for one man with relationship potential along with the others floating around in the outer circles of casual connections. We’ve been in touch since I left and have spoken twice. Thank goodness for wifi and whatsapp audio.

Got to go, I have a city to explore. 

  

Trying to relax with Bruce.

Thankfully, it wasn’t over after sex with Bruce on the second date. We exchanged a few texts as he drove home – an almost hour-long drive – and he called me “sweetie” when he texted goodnight. But I still had dating anxiety.

The next morning I sent a good morning text and we had a brief exchange. Mid-morning he checked in to say he hoped I was having a good day. We had another exchange at the end of the day. All consistent with the days prior.

That night I was at a sporting event with a close friend. A man who reminds me a bit of Bruce, actually, and Bruce and I bantered off and on throughout the game. I asked whether he was used to a woman squirting since he seemed pretty chill about it. Continue reading

Don’t be a hooded Kermit.

Bruce and I have been in steady contact since our first date. He sends good morning and good night texts, and has checked in a few times throughout each day.

He left for a short vacation with his children and some friends, and had very limited cellular service. But he still tried to call me his first night there and because my phone was on silent I missed his call. He then discovered he had data at the cabin so messaged me on WhatsApp. 

One night mid text conversation he video called me. I was in bed with no makeup on and my dark “nerdy girl” glasses. I answered anyway. 

I liked that he seemed to be thinking of me throughout each day. He would sign off with “goodnight beautiful” or “sweet dreams sexy”. 

There was nothing wrong.

He wasn’t making crazy declarations of love or devotion like HWSNBN. He wasn’t overly expressive about our connection or me or anything that would give me reason to think he’s enamoured with having someone, versus enamoured with me. In love with love, as they say.

On our last date he asked me out for the night he came back.

So what is wrong?

Nothing.

But it’s been difficult for me to just be excited and happy about it. My brain, as much as I’m trying to shut it down, cycles through a number of doubts:

Bruce is a tall, athletic man. He can’t possibly be attracted to my curves so as soon as he sees me naked it’s going to be all over. – Yes, I think this. I’m pretty sure is because at some level I wonder if my physicality was what turned Jack off. He had always dated dark haired small women. So yeah, this thought is unusual for me but it’s there in the background. And yes I my pictures are in my profile and he’s seen me up close. The man isn’t blind, but still. 

If I’m his first, first date he surely just is enjoying the attention and he doesn’t really like me for me. He can’t possibly be that into me if I’m the first woman he’s met online. – This is not based on anything he has said or done (or not done), it’s simply a concern based on the situation. It’s too close to comfort to what happened with Jack (I was the first woman he met online). 

Maybe he’s actually a player and he’s lying about his situation. He just wants to fuck me and then he will be gone. – Again I have no actual reason to think this is the case. Just general doubt. I like that he calls me “sexy” and “beautiful” but as much as I appreciate a man who is cool with terms of endearment, I also question whether it’s too early for such things. So naturally then I wonder if I’m being played.

Something is going to go wrong that’s beyond my control. I’m going to like him and find out he’s hiding something or he’s going to be a player or stop texting or something. – Yeah. I know why I’m worried, it has nothing to do with him. I think I’m so hyper aware that trusting and allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable means on occasion I’m going to get fucked over. It happened with Jack and it’s been a while since I’ve been hurt like that. 

I don’t want the doubts whispered in my hooded Kermit brain. I want to be regular Kermit. Because the doubts breed anxiety which trigger behavior which will be contrary to getting what I want. No, I don’t need to ask Bruce endless questions about his relationship with his ex or if he’s talking to others on POF or did he really not meet any other women in the last two years.

I’m going to do my damnest to enjoy our date and see how it goes and focus on whether I think he’s right for me. The more I try to protect myself from hurt, the more I protect myself from love. 

And I really want the right love in my life. 

Three rejections does not a happy Ann make.

I am not happy. I am angry and sad and hurt. I know it won’t last, but rejection in any aggregate form is really difficult. I suppose by now I should be used to the peaks and valleys of dating, but as much as my brain knows it, it still takes my heart by surprise.

First, there was Jack. Thank you, Maggie, for the parable…I’m still carrying him in my head and need to get him out. It hasn’t helped that Liam has been away so I’ve only seen him once in three weeks. My child is a huge help for having my head in the right place.

I was behind on posts about Ray but now I’m sure it’s worth catching up. We had three dates in total and many more conversations. He would greet me in the morning via text and ask to call me to say goodnight. It was nice. He was nice. The chemistry wasn’t mind blowing but it was good enough to keep going to see how things progressed. Continue reading

We spoke. It’s over.

After almost 36 hours of complete silence, Jack finally texted me back. I’d sent a text saying “good morning, when can we talk today?” and he replied with “We can speak around 4 or after 10 tonight. Have a great day.”

I didn’t reply with what I wanted to say (“Have a great day? Seriously?”) but simply said, “4 it is”.

It was difficult to focus at work and I resented him for deliberately (yes, it was) leaving me hurt and anxious.

And when I picked up the phone, this is what he said:

“Ann, I’m not over my last girlfriend.  Continue reading

Hiccups and tears.

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

Is it normal to have relationship hiccups so early? Misaligned behaviors or communication styles which cause friction? I’m hard-pressed to think of men it hasn’t happened with. Leo, perhaps… but only because he was a very responsive communicator and generous with his time and attention.

It’s the stage of dating that can really suck – when you know enough about someone that you know you want to spend more time with them, but you aren’t secure enough in how they feel about you, and how you are with each other, and you aren’t a priority in each other’s lives yet.

Continue reading

It’s still good.

I haven’t had much to say that’s new this week. The death of my friend definitely had an impact – it’s hard to talk about the excitement of a relationship when I’m also in mourning.

But Jack and I are good. Really good. We learn more about each other with every conversation, and I like what I hear. He is appreciative of my patience with his schedule issues (but really, what kind of selfish asshole would make an issue of his regular hospital visits to a sick parent?) and with my desire to understand his quirks.

It’s not one-sided. He knows I like a couple of quick check-ins during the day (not mandatory but nice) and he’s doing it.  Continue reading

dating like teenagers

What are we, 16?

There was the epic makeout session that felt like the long-ago days of being in the basement, listening for parents feet on the stairs so as not to get caught with tongues down throats and hands down pants. The early days of dating can be so much fun.

There is the feeling of not being able to get enough of someone.

I’m not relationship dumb like I was at 16, but it doesn’t mean I’m not acting like a teen at times. Continue reading

dating Jack

Starting to settle in: dating Jack

The conversations with Jack are starting to meld together. It’s the problem when living my life outpaces my ability to write about it. I’m going to try to get caught up with this post with our dating status.

We had the kind of fourth date made necessary by single parentdom: a late night visit. It was a three-act play similar to the third date: a drink on my couch with lots of conversation, moving to my bedroom for some good sex, and then talking far too late into the wee hours of the morning.

This time, instead of waiting for me to suggest it, he asked to take me upstairs. I liked it.  Continue reading

when communication styles misalign

After two dates: then, the doubts.

If communication styles between two people aren’t perfectly aligned, as someone highly attuned to it, in the early days of dating it can cause doubts and anxiety until I get comfortable with patterns and see an alignment between words and actions.

Jack was saying all of the right things. He was clear from the start he preferred the more traditional form of dating – just one woman at a time. He explicitly said and wrote I was that woman. He complimented me in his texts about the things he liked about me.

All good.

But I’ve been fooled before. I’ve had great first sexual experiences just to have someone disappear. Shit happens.  Continue reading