It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?

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I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.

While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?

I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested? Continue reading

Wondering is worse.

I blocked Tony last night.

Originally I wasn’t going to. He’d  promised to be in touch shortly after our last conversation “next week I will come see you; I will figure it out”. I knew it was unlikely he’d be in touch exactly when he said, but I wanted the opportunity to explain I couldn’t be his friend because despite everything, I’m still in love with him.

But he didn’t call. It’s almost two weeks later. I’ve learned he experiences time differently than I; my days tend to be packed full of life and therefore two weeks seems like forever. He isn’t on any jobs right now and his days just blend one into another. I often have to look at my calendar to remind myself not as much time has passed as I think.

I knew he would get in touch at some point and expected it would be this week. Continue reading

Leo and I are going places.

The only thing I’m going to say about Tony is I haven’t heard from him, and it’s okay.

Leo has been a consistent presence since I broke my leg mid-December. He is mercifully drama-free. My only emotional hiccup so far was feeling somewhat bereft of attention last month, which led to nothing more than some flirty texts and a single romp in my bed with Clark.

No, Leo and I haven’t had an exclusivity discussion. I’ve been putting it off, and he seems perfectly content. Continue reading

The reason Tony and I can’t be friends.

If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.

I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.

It was very minimal contact. It was platonic.

It was a fucking slippery slope.  Continue reading

Welcome to the shit show.

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I hated how much the whole thing with Tony consumed my thoughts. Wondering what happened, how she found out, what their decision was (if any), and what was next.

I knew I may never get an answer. I knew the bulk of my interest was intellectual curiosity. Maybe most importantly, I knew that no contact with him was best for me. I wasn’t tortured at the thought of not talking to him regularly.

I was more upset with myself, at the time and emotional effort I’ve spent the last month or two seeing whether I could meet his need for us to remain friends. It wasn’t going to work, I’ve known it for a long time, but I tried anyway.  Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED, part 2

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Tony and I have had two short conversations about his again-wife finding out about us (side note: yes, she’s his wife, again. I’m honestly afraid if I just call her his “wife” I’m going to get trolled like crazy, and the truth is they were separated when I met him).

In the first discussion, he told me she’d found out about Jamaica. I was confused because it seemed an odd “discovery” at this time, 14 months ago after we went. I asked how it was possible that us seeing each other after the sports game could possibly have led to that.

He was vague. He said “Ann, I don’t want to relive it again right now. There was a lot of screaming and crying.” Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED

I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.

I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.

And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do. Continue reading

Feeling discomfort in the comfortable

A lovely reader yesterday inquired whether anything bad has happened, as it had been 10 days since I’d posted. The short answer is no, everything is very… stable.

My sex life has been rather quiet – and it’s not a complaint. The very end of November was my last night with Lewis and Clark. I haven’t seen Clark since, and Lewis only once, over a month ago. The first weekend in December was the last time I had sex with Todd. I wrote about Tony on Christmas Eve. I had Jason back in my bed for the first time in a year, over a month ago.

For me, that’s quiet.  Continue reading

Leo enters an exclusive club

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I’m going to merge a few Leo visits into one post, otherwise I know a few of you will kill me for the “cliffhangers” I’m frequently accused of.

I saw him three times in the week before and after Christmas. The first time was a brief visit; he brought an orchid, sat next to me on my couch and cuddled. By the time he started to kiss me, hard, my son’s nanny showed up to take me to an appointment.

We giggled conspiratorially at almost being caught canoodling on the couch, and he promised to come see me later in the week when I would be alone. Continue reading

My first breakup by text.

I wrote recently about how Alan’s persistence and being so nice to me when last over at my place made it difficult for me to tell him it was over between us.

The day after his visit, he sent me a series of texts about wanting to go on a trip with me. It was a long list of random places he wanted to go. He said he wanted to travel with me. He thought I would have a good sense of where to go, how to get there or find out, that I wasn’t scared to see and try things.  Continue reading