Leo and I are going places.

The only thing I’m going to say about Tony is I haven’t heard from him, and it’s okay.

Leo has been a consistent presence since I broke my leg mid-December. He is mercifully drama-free. My only emotional hiccup so far was feeling somewhat bereft of attention last month, which led to nothing more than some flirty texts and a single romp in my bed with Clark.

No, Leo and I haven’t had an exclusivity discussion. I’ve been putting it off, and he seems perfectly content. Continue reading

When insecurity with one drives me to others.

Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.

He’s just not very… overt with his praise.

I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.

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Getting an opportunity to not make the same mistakes twice.

I don’t live a life of regret.

Looking back on all the men I’ve had sex with (which is a LOT), there are fewer than five I wish weren’t on that list. Why? Because I didn’t really want to have sex with them yet I did anyway.

And it took me a long time to stop doing that. I was too focussed on their wanting me it didn’t occur to me I could say no and there would be more to come. Probably a legacy of not getting something from my relationship with my father, but I’ve largely moved past that now.

I think we only accept bad behaviour when we don’t know of the alternative, or we don’t know we are worthy of more. Or we tell ourselves the things we do get outweigh the other stuff.

For me, the latter is the most pervasive. I am a queen of justification and rationalization and nuance. Hy calls me out on that regularly. It’s the downside of my fascination with why people do what they do. It’s easy to lose sight of the behaviour staring me right in the face.

It would be easy to regret my marriage to Will. In many ways, I felt I came back to life two years ago when we split. Which would imply I was dead for the 15 I was with him. It’s true in some regards – passion and sex being the notable examples – but not in others. It also wasn’t his fault. It started with me and my reaction to an early broken heart which was never repaired.

In work and in life I have a strong sense of personal accountability. Unlike so many people’s revisionist history narratives, I don’t take the easy or simplistic route of vilifying Will for the breakdown in our marriage. I choose to believe I probably hurt him as much as he hurt me.

Which leads me to mistakes. I’ve made a few (yes,now that song is in my head).

[And BTW have I mentioned lately I sometimes detest the WordPress editing on a phone? I lost the rest of the my content on all my mistakes… yet another mistake…]

I’ve already talked a lot about what drew me to Will and how I justified his complexity as something I needed, since I was bored with nice guys. I hadn’t dated anyone who was nice and who had a backbone. Nice and weak or spineless I cannot do. That was a mistake and I’m working through how not to make it again – Fox is testing that ability.

But even more fundamental are some of my personality traits and how I react in a relationship. Will and I were badly matched in love languages. I need affection and quality time. He needed gifts and words.

I was angry with him when he gave me expensive gifts. I appreciated them but I thought he could have spent less money and I just wanted us to do things together. It was a sore point throughout our marriage. But I also stubbornly refused to see it his way. He wanted gifts, I thought they were wasted money, therefore I didn’t buy them for him. (and no, I don’t mean ever. But he wanted expensive things and I didn’t cave).

Which brings me to Fox. 

I’m pretty sure he and I have different love languages. At least, I am learning that words mean more to him than they do to me. I am not particularly sentimental, and he is. I have a thick skin and am not easily wounded, and he’s rather high maintenance.

At least, that’s how I see it. 

And hence exactly my point: when Fox texted me last weeek that we needed to talk about his emotional needs, my response was an eyeroll and a big sigh. I will likely write more about it but I thought it was ridiculous, given the situation which prompted it.

And that, my friends, is a mistake I want to avoid. I can be judgmental. If I think something is silly I’m less inclined to be accommodating. 

Yet I’m dating a man who is really quite amazing to me. I’m pretty sure he would do anything to me. But I’m not the same. 

And that’s the mistake. But I have an opportunity to make some changes, and I will try to do so.

Getting Tony to step off the emotional curb.

Yesterday I wrote about Tony and how it feels foolish for me to go back into a relationship with him when he’s not willing to step off the emotional curb with me.

That, my friends, is the core of the issue.

I can talk about whether he loves me – I think he does, even thought he can’t articulate it.

I can discuss whether he will make progress in being more communicative. Yes, I’m sure over time this can happen, as I’ve had glimmers of hope. Continue reading

We met. F*cked. Talked.

I’m going to preface this my saying I know many of you will disagree with what I did – and didn’t – do last night. I know this could be a mistake. It could delay what’s inevitable.

I know all this. You are of course welcome to tell me anyway.

I went for dinner with a male friend and former colleague. I’ve written about him before, but we have been platonic since then. We started with drinks with two other friends – I had three dark and stormy’s, and I got some good career advice and lots of support.

Then he and I went for dinner. When asked, I said I wanted either a good steak or Italian food. He chose a very expensive steak house with a great lounge atmosphere. When I came back from the bathroom after we arrived, he was wrapping up a work call. I sat down and after he hung up the phone, he came over to my chair, leaned down, grasped my chin in his hand, tilted my head up, and gave me a gentle but firm kiss on the lips. He said “I’ve missed you and just felt like doing that”. Continue reading

I feel unmoored

Since I’m by the ocean, the boat analogies seem appropriate. I feel like I’ve lost my anchor and am adrift in my thoughts. I have no bearings to keep me on my mental course.
Liam and I are vacationing with 16 family friends, including 6 other children between 5 and 12. It’s great to have some surrogate dads and lots of children for Liam to play with. These are fun people, we are by an amazing beach with hot sunny days and warm nights. The stars twinkle across the visible night sky, and we’ve watched each night at the moon got closer to being full.
I have read one of my aunt’s old books, “Peyton Place”, have swum in the ocean, drank cocktails at 10am, gone snorkelling, and played catch on the beach with my kid. I am trying hard to keep my thoughts at bay because I don’t like where they take me when they are allowed to roam free.

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Figuring out why I'm chill about Tony.

If you’ve been following the story of Tony and me, you know that it is different with him. Most of the time, I feel good about how he feels about me and the pace we are taking in building our relationship.

I have no idea what is going to happen, yet I’m okay with that.

This is a significant departure from my prior “engagements”. The most recent that comes to mind is Andrew, whom I should have felt pretty good about – yet I didn’t. I was constantly worrying about how he felt and what he wanted and it was the source of much anxiety.

Yet with Andrew, I saw him in person with roughly the same frequency and we talked almost every day, often with video chat. So there was way more contact than with Tony. Continue reading