I tried to sweat, talk, and fuck him out of my system.

I’ve written a few times that my weight is higher than I want – and not in a vague “oh gee I should weigh less” way, but a “jeez NONE of my suits fit” way. A practical and financial dilemma as my entire wardrobe was literally downsized when my weight went down a couple of years ago and remained stable.

I started seeing a trainer in late November and he made it hard for me to function courtesy of his short but all-body workouts on a torture device called the TRX. Sometimes I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair afterwards.

I started to also go to the gym on my own to get on the treadmill. Once before Christmas, and a couple of times afterwards. My Mom got me a basic Fitbit for Christmas which has been great to know how much of a slug I usually am. I’m starting a new project at work and am in a slight lull this week and decided to get my ass into the gym. I have plans every day but there is no reason I can’t go after work for a little bit. It’s better than going home and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and left over holiday treats. Continue reading

The 48-hour aftermath 

Breakups always suck, but the amount of suckage is relative. I don’t feel like that’s a particularly profound statement but it’s what I’ve got for you right now.

As my breakup with Tony goes, it’s a doozy.

It’s not so much that I doubt the decision we made (and yes, it was we; I knew deep down what was likely to happen when I drew my line in the sand). I’m at peace with the decision and I am relieved to not have that awful feeling of mistrust and unsatisfied yearning of my heart.

What makes me sad is the loss of him as part of my day-to-day life. What has me sobbing is the losing one of the strongest connections I’ve ever had with a man.  Continue reading

Feeling the weight of a very good situation.

I’m entering into a bona fide serious relationship with Fox. It feels good and makes me nervous all at the same time.

Why nervous?

With great power comes great responsibility. That’s why.

The good stuff is pretty obvious. I feel adored and accepted and desired. Fox knows the whole me and likes me. For a sexually bold, adventurous, and highly experienced woman who has no intention of slowing down, this is a big fucking deal. Finding a man willing to see the Mom, executive, and insatiable slut? I know he thinks he’s the one that’s hit the jackpot, but ssshhhhh, it’s actually me. Continue reading

What a difference a guy makes…

Do you remember the Tony drama about whether I was his girlfriend? The guy who wasn’t into “labels” and resisted (for reasons that became clear after the fact) using such a term, even though we were exclusive?

Let’s say I’ve been in a relationship desert for the bulk of the last seventeen years. When you don’t know what’s possible, you take what you are given. Coming out of a marriage desert, when a man gives you a sip of water, you feel like your thirst should be quenched.

But you wonder why you still feel thirsty. Continue reading

A fantastic two-date day | Mr. Fox & #14

Mr Fox and I had a great first coffee date and we both wanted more. Our text conversation continued and the next thing I knew he was booking lunch for the two of us the following day. He picked a restaurant near my office and made the reservation and just made it happen.

I liked that.

I wore a short black puffy skirt and a light blue leather jacket, with three inch heels. Given he’s 6’4″ I can wear those heels and still look up to him. It’s nice, actually. There are days when I feel great and know I can strut my stuff and that day was one of those days.

We met at a sky high restaurant in a fancy hotel. Ever the gentleman, he held doors open, waited until I was seated, and made sure I was comfortable. I had meetings in the afternoon otherwise would have loved a glass of wine.  Continue reading

A fantastic two-date day | Mr. Fox & #14

Mr Fox and I had a great first coffee date and we both wanted more. Our text conversation continued and the next thing I knew he was booking lunch for the two of us the following day. He picked a restaurant near my office and made the reservation and just made it happen.

I liked that.

I wore a short black puffy skirt and a light blue leather jacket, with three inch heels. Given he’s 6’4″ I can wear those heels and still look up to him. It’s nice, actually. There are days when I feel great and know I can strut my stuff and that day was one of those days.

We met at a sky high restaurant in a fancy hotel. Ever the gentleman, he held doors open, waited until I was seated, and made sure I was comfortable. I had meetings in the afternoon otherwise would have loved a glass of wine.  Continue reading

Kissing in the rain | Another first date story (part 2)

[Part One]

Coming out of the bathroom and picking up my phone, I’m saying to myself “PLEASE HAVE TEXTED ME” and “ANN DON’T GET LIKE THIS” at the exact same time. I unlock my phone and I see he’s sent me a text:

rain 1

I do a little dance around my bedroom. I practically squeal “OMG HE’S NOT A BAD TEXTER!!” Continue reading

Crying and squirting in the same night: my fluid loss. 

When I wrote my last post, the one about Shenanigans, I was sitting at my kitchen island, crying, having a personal pity party. I had come home from time with a work colleague who is turning into a friend. She had taken me out for dinner and we’d had cocktails, shared a bottle of wine, and ate what she called “obviously we aren’t trying to pick up” food because it was deep fried and plenteous. It had been a fun night.

I was fine when I was out, surrounded by people. But home alone in a quiet house, the noise in my head telling me how much I missed Tony was impossible to block out.

I didn’t need any more alcohol. It was too early for me to go to bed. I was filling my time writing my post and discussing Tony and Mr. Tinder via text. I hadn’t heard from Tinder since I sent a thank you note after our date the night before. He had asked me what I was doing this night and said he would come over after our respective engagements, to f*ck me.  Continue reading

Habit forming, one small thing at a time

One of the keys to making lasting and positive changes in our lives is developing habits. One day at a time. Eating well is easier if we just get into the habit of making the right choice, day after day.

I’ve used this philosophy over and over again in all aspects of my life post split.

Some of these things are really little. Like the fact that I was always challenged to put things where they needed to go, especially since I used to live in a four storey townhouse. There was always something to go downstairs or upstairs. So since I moved I’ve made a conscious effort to always be grabbing whatever has to go away, and doing it RIGHT THEN. Now it’s a habit and I do it without thinking.

I also now keep a multitude of lists on my mobile phone, categories including “errands”, “in the house”, etcetera. Whenever I’m out and about I check the errands list and make damn sure I knock things off the list, since I’m out anyway. This is all the more important being single, because there is no one else to do the stuff that needs to get done.  Continue reading

Reporting in on Day 3

On what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, I decided to practice letting go of desire. Not for sex, people, that would be crazy!

I have very large post it notes with “LET GO” in big red block letters posted on my bathroom mirror, and beside my bed – and I may also put one up at work. They help.

I’ve likened this process to how my yoga instructor used to assist in my meditation. I was supposed to focus on my breathing, and if I found my mind wandering to other thoughts, I needed to recognize what I was doing, tell myself to put that thought away for the moment, and get back to my focus. Continue reading