As predicted, my Friday night also didn’t work out as expected. When the contractor made plans with me, he gave me a heads up that depending on his work schedule it may not pan out. Having dated several contractors, I’m now pretty knowledgeable about their work life restrictions, so didn’t expect to see him.
At least he didn’t ghost this time. A long text arrived early Friday morning that he had to work late that night and all weekend. It was no problem. Ann 2.1 welcomes time to write.
I worked late Friday night and left the office only when my stomach told me I should. Zane once asked when I “got off work” and I had to explain it simply doesn’t happen that way for me. I work until what I need to get done is done, but I also often control the schedule and can choose to leave at 4 pm on a Friday and do the rest over the weekend. But not this Friday.
“For you, who is gentle on my mind, but too hot to handle at times. Please never change, because you are beautiful. Good luck and safe trip, and remember all of our good times. Love, Rick. 7/31/69, Hawaii.
P.S. Remember the steaks and ice cream, because they make you sweet (smile).”
Did you notice the date? It’s not a typo: 1969. Those words, written in red looping cursive script, were for my mother. They are on the back of a vinyl record which accompanied her back to the mainland from Hawaii, Glen Campbell’s “Gentle on My Mind”. She got rid of the ABBA and the classical albums long ago, but a precious few remained packed away until her recent move. Continue reading →
Is it normal to have relationship hiccups so early? Misaligned behaviors or communication styles which cause friction? I’m hard-pressed to think of men it hasn’t happened with. Leo, perhaps… but only because he was a very responsive communicator and generous with his time and attention.
It’s the stage of dating that can really suck – when you know enough about someone that you know you want to spend more time with them, but you aren’t secure enough in how they feel about you, and how you are with each other, and you aren’t a priority in each other’s lives yet.
He was a friend, admirer, and protector. Never a lover. He was like the older brother I never had.
A decade-plus older with way more work experience, he was one of the first colleagues to help me understand how good of a leader I actually am. He was crusty and opinionated but looked up to me. As an independent contractor he could work with anyone, and he chose to work for me. I was humbled by his praise.
I was blessed by his presence in my life.
During one of the projects we worked together on he took a pastry course. We all looked forward to Wednesday mornings when the treats would arrive. Never fully satisfied with his work, he rebuffed our compliments, said through stuffed mouths. He always showed up on time to my parties. He was single the whole time I knew him and at first I assumed he was gay. Turned out after his last long-term relationship he’d tired of trying, and spent his time doting on his nieces and nephews. But he always had relationship advice for me.
He was the one who called me the day after my party, where HWSNBN lost his shit, to make sure I was okay. He made me promise to end it and offered to do anything I needed to keep me safe.
At my party, HWSNBN had told him to “fuck off” after he made a nice comment about my legs. Blind with jealousy, HWSNBN couldn’t see the friendship and teasing behind the comment. And his anger at my friend helped cement his demise. No asshole was going to come between me and the people I choose to surround myself with.
The last time I saw him he sat in one of my comfy chairs, joked about my cast, then quietly disclosed his recent absence from my life was due to depression, not a physical illness as I’d feared. He was starting to realize it was okay to share, but knew his pride and stubborn nature got in the way.
We promised to see each other soon.
That was February.
And now I mourn the loss. His death was sudden and unexpected, and a reminder to try to live every day as if it was not only my last day, but my friends and family’s as well.
I probably don’t need to explain too much how seeing that picture on Instagram made me feel. There was a lot going on in my head. I’d also been drinking and not that I ever use it as an excuse, but it absolutely reduced my impulse control.
I hadn’t contacted Tony about anything for a week after our last night together, nor had he reached out to me. We hadn’t texted, hadn’t even “liked” anything on Instagram (he’s on Twitter but neither of us are active there).
But in my hurt and anger, I did something which is now uncharacteristic – I sent a text in anger, something along the lines of:
“Wow, from my bed to “love birds” within a week? Nice. Makes me wonder whether I’ve been played the fool.”Continue reading →
I write this from Hy’s balcony, enjoying the weather and sipping a coffee. It’s been a very low-key and perfect few days so far. Good friends are precious.
While I’m sure some of you would love to hear me say we’ve been out been out partying, picking up men and having crazy orgasmic sexcapades, that wasn’t on the agenda. Sure, orgasms would be fantastic but so far they haven’t been sought out or received.
While still at home, I Bumble matched with a man temporarily in my city who lives in her city (the chance of that oh-so-slim), but despite being super keen to meet, he says he’s come down with a summer cold. It’s the closest I’ve come to an orgasm on this leg of my trip. Oh well. Continue reading →
I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.
I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.
But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading →
Tony and I were supposed to see each other on Wednesday night. He’d been working all week and it felt like we’d barely spoken (which wasn’t technically true but I’m feeling more disconnected from him than usual – it could very well all be in my head).
I was sitting at my home computer working late when my phone rang. It was Tony. “Ann”, he said, “I’ve just blacked out on set. They called an ambulance and I’m going to the hospital.”
“What?? Oh my god! Are you okay now? Where are they taking you?”
It’s 8 days since Tony and I broke up. My first 3 days weren’t horrible, with sweating, talking, and a good fuck on Monday night. Tuesday I went out with a girlfriend for drinks and dinner. I was hoping to see the Comedian afterwards but he had to deal with work at the last minute.
Wednesday I had a friend over for dinner. Over sushi and proscecco we talked about life and breakups and the general shittiness of my situation.
Thursday I met a new man for tea. He’d reached out to me on the website for a local swingers club and had been interested in meeting me for a while. He knew about Tony and my hesitance to meet him was primarily because Tony wasn’t ready for any group play, and I didn’t want to vet any new men until that time. Continue reading →
I’ve written a few times that my weight is higher than I want – and not in a vague “oh gee I should weigh less” way, but a “jeez NONE of my suits fit” way. A practical and financial dilemma as my entire wardrobe was literally downsized when my weight went down a couple of years ago and remained stable.
I started seeing a trainer in late November and he made it hard for me to function courtesy of his short but all-body workouts on a torture device called the TRX. Sometimes I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair afterwards.
I started to also go to the gym on my own to get on the treadmill. Once before Christmas, and a couple of times afterwards. My Mom got me a basic Fitbit for Christmas which has been great to know how much of a slug I usually am. I’m starting a new project at work and am in a slight lull this week and decided to get my ass into the gym. I have plans every day but there is no reason I can’t go after work for a little bit. It’s better than going home and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and left over holiday treats. Continue reading →