A wine, cheese, and fatigue inspired ramble.

I slept terribly the last few nights. Normally I’m asleep not five minutes after my head hits the pillow, and I sleep through the night. Issues with relationships fill my mind.

Last night I woke up multiple times. My head was spinning. I’m cycling through so many emotions. Being familiar with the change curve intellectually only helps me to recognize what I’m going through. It doesn’t make going through it any easier.

I think y’all have figured out I have a big brain so I won’t be modest in this moment. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have the capacity to think the way I do. It’s not always a blessing. Continue reading

I’m angry for me, and the sisterhood.

Previous Post | I was so angry I was shaking. I sent Jack a text that said “You’re back on POF? Wow.” Not surprisingly, he didn’t reply.

I tried to call him twice – once right after my text. and then at night. I’d looked at POF again and saw he’d been active again just a few hours prior. So he had time to be on the site but not reply. Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me

Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me back please. This isn’t the time to play fucking games with me.” I knew he used non-responses as control and I was having none of it.

The next morning I woke up to a text he’d sent past midnight saying he’d just gotten home after a long drive and he would call me tomorrow. Continue reading

It’s still good.

I haven’t had much to say that’s new this week. The death of my friend definitely had an impact – it’s hard to talk about the excitement of a relationship when I’m also in mourning.

But Jack and I are good. Really good. We learn more about each other with every conversation, and I like what I hear. He is appreciative of my patience with his schedule issues (but really, what kind of selfish asshole would make an issue of his regular hospital visits to a sick parent?) and with my desire to understand his quirks.

It’s not one-sided. He knows I like a couple of quick check-ins during the day (not mandatory but nice) and he’s doing it.  Continue reading

So ready for a vacation. 

I’ve had a few extra long weekends so far this year (which have been amazing) but with five weeks vacation to use, I needed to take some time off.

The last three summers I’ve taken Liam on two-week vacations. This year he’s going somewhere with his Dad, but I was able to find four nights where Liam and I can go to the ocean. But that’s not until next month.

So without plans, I booked two weeks off this month. It worked with the timing of my project and I figured I would sort out specific plans later. One of those weeks I have Liam and we will enjoy a few day trips, excursions and some visits to friends. I’m looking forward to having some relaxed time with him.

The other week I will be travelling to spend time with a close girlfriend and I can’t wait. It’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other and given what we’ve been through in that time, I think we’re both looking forward to it. I need some girl time.  Continue reading

is meh better than nothing?

My busy week | Monday with Ian

It’s funny how moving past someone emotionally, ever so slightly, changes everything. Ian started out with decent potential even considering the distance. But his weird behavior on our third date (even now that I understand its cause) and his subsequent whining about not knowing what he wanted and what we’d do in September when he started to spend less time in the city was enough for me to move him from the “good potential” to “meh” box.

How different my reaction to him versus Kyle. I’m still not at “meh” with Kyle, but wish I was. Continue reading

i don't want to be alone

Let the eye rolling and flailing begin. My week at a glance.

Ferns, you’ve got to know I’m thinking of you with every word. And indeed, with some of these decisions I confess to thinking “oh gosh Ferns is gonna kill me from across the planet”.

Monday

Ian. Even before the Kyle bail, I’d been thinking about my summer plans and the things I wanted to do. I want some guys to spend time with and I got it in my head that Ian might be fun for some good nights. Other than that weird third date we had great nights together and good conversations. Not the easiest thing for me to find. Continue reading

eating and sleeping alone

I don’t like having meals out alone

This past weekend, I went away – alone. I had an extra day off and no plans. My friends were all busy. Even if I wanted to use Tony as a crutch, he was away for work. And since Kyle hardly texts let alone declare his love for me on our second date (cough, cough), we aren’t remotely close to the “go away together” stage yet.

Given all the drama I’ve experienced in the last couple of months plus the work stress I’m under, I really wanted to get away.

I booked a train trip. Two nights at a hotel with a king bed and crisp white sheets. A dinner each night with one of my closest friends and her family. A day at a spa – the kind with steam rooms, saunas, hot tubs, cold water springs, fireplaces, and hammocks. A 90 minute massage with Jonathan. A facial the next day.

Bliss.

Kind of. Continue reading

at least lonliness doesn't lead to tattoos

Things I did whilst doing nothing

I have consistently used my non-child weeks for lots of things: working late, going to the gym, going out with friends, dates. Sometimes lots of dates, but not lately.

This week I planned absolutely nothing except a brief after work meeting with two colleagues.

It wasn’t all deliberate – I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance, especially since most of my girlfriends have busy life and work schedule and we all need advance planning, but I have been traveling each of the last three child-free weeks. I had planned things for me and the kid, but not much else. Continue reading

I got on the Tony ride and turns out, it's going somewhere.

~Previous Post~

I called Tony the next morning to make arrangements. Keenly aware he was doing me a big favor, I was tripping over myself to make sure it was okay. He said “Lady, just tell me the plan and I’ll do it.”

He met me at the car place; I hopped in his car and we drove to a local deli he’d researched.

On the drive there, when I told him my car wouldn’t be ready until late that afternoon, he told me his plan was to take me back to his place, have lots of sex, maybe get me stoned, have more sex. Continue reading

I know what the right decision is, I’m just not sure how to make it.

Yesterday I wrote about Tony and how I know I can’t pursue a relationship with him when he’s not ready to love me

That’s all good in theory, but for this to work I have to make it practically applicable.

I’ve tried no-contact. I didn’t last very long. A few weeks each time, and then I was back in his arms. He seems quite fine with seeing me once every three weeks, but that is not the kind of relationship I want to have.

Let’s pretend for a moment that Fox wasn’t in my life. What would I do? Continue reading