Not looking for a relationship, but will make an exception for the right person.

How often have you seen that statement in an online dating profile? Do you tell yourself you’ll make an exception for the right person, should they come along? That you only want casual encounters but are open to something more if you meet someone worthwhile, or the one?

If I think of my own history, the men I’ve dated while I was clearly (now) not emotionally available for a relationship – Johnny Id, Fox, HWSNBN, most significantly – they weren’t the right men for me anyway.

Or were they? Continue reading

Soulmates, calm, and whether settling = giving up

I haven’t written about this much but it’s running through my head almost constantly. Admittedly less this past week than previous, but it’s still there some days.

I feel I don’t have the words to clearly articulate what I want to say about Fox. I’ve tried verbally with friends and it comes out wrong and awkward. I will say “but he’s so… nice.” And rightfully they say “and what’s wrong with that, Ann?”

There’s nothing wrong. I’ve said before that this relationship feels different, and it’s not in any way to suggest different is bad. Quite the opposite. I’m not keen on repeating past experiences with men which left me feeling empty and desperate for crumbs of attention. Continue reading

Feeling the weight of a very good situation.

I’m entering into a bona fide serious relationship with Fox. It feels good and makes me nervous all at the same time.

Why nervous?

With great power comes great responsibility. That’s why.

The good stuff is pretty obvious. I feel adored and accepted and desired. Fox knows the whole me and likes me. For a sexually bold, adventurous, and highly experienced woman who has no intention of slowing down, this is a big fucking deal. Finding a man willing to see the Mom, executive, and insatiable slut? I know he thinks he’s the one that’s hit the jackpot, but ssshhhhh, it’s actually me. Continue reading

There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading

Learning (again) I cannot survive on intentions.

[Part One | Part Two | Part Three]

My bed smelled like Tony and I didn’t want to leave it. We had left each other that morning with a promise of dinner and a talk; Saturday night was a potential but he said it would depend how work went.

He had two overnight shoots the next two nights and I knew it was unlikely I’d hear much from him. I sent him a meme about coffee (don’t ask) and instead of his usual tactic of ignoring my texts, he said “Can’t text right now; talk later or tomorrow. Will text you when done.”

This seemed like progress, or at the very least, consideration. I was pleased by the small gesture.

He was shooting in a very bad area of town and promised to tell me when he was done. Which he did. We had some infrequent texting that day and the next. He told me when he was signing off – again, an unusual but appreciated move.

He shot a commercial; I went for dinner with a girlfriend and then to a sex club (story to follow). Continue reading

I got nothing for ya this Sunday. Except a few ramblings.

I was thinking of creating a page on my blog called “texts and emails I didn’t send to Tony“. Because I have moments where I want to tell him something, or am just thinking about him, and it would be helpful to have an outlet.

For example…it’s been raining here, and we both love the sound of the rain while laying in bed together. I miss that. I went to get my hair cut and noticed my hair dresser uses the same phrase over and over again, just like Tony does. I was at a party last night (Liam was my date) and had asked Tony if he wanted to go. There was a concert in the person’s living room and sat there thinking of how much he would like it.

Of course, there are so many other things as well. Continue reading

My longest post is the list of men I've slept with.

[Update: This really should be called “men I’ve had sex with…if sex means penis in vagina”…because as some people pointed out, “sleep with” is a dopey euphemism. And there are more I engaged in sexual acts with, but not fucked. I guess I’ve used a Bill Clinton definition.”

Some of you may recall a series of posts I wrote when I was dating Johnny Id. They listed every man I’d ever slept with. It was rather nerve wracking to put the number out there, but this is a pretty slut-positive place and most people were quite nice about it.

I got to thinking I hadn’t really kept up the list since Johnny and I broke up. So tonight, I sat down to create a page from the three original posts and then update it.

Turns out, my feeling like I slowed down after Johnny was actually true. I was choosier and slept with just a handful of men between Johnny and Tony (a few were repeats from earlier days).

But hilariously, in the three weeks Tony and I were on our break, I racked up several more. It should be noted it was a real break, with discussion of ensuring condom usage and all that. This wasn’t a “Friends” episode.

I suppose having two nights at a sex club will do that to a girl.

If you are curious about my sexual history, you can read the whole sordid list on my “Men I’ve slept with” page. Oh, and  the number? 83. Yikes.

 

I need to ask him. NOW.

I had another great overnight date with Tony this past weekend. Instead of going out we ended up starting off with sex before he even had a drink in his hand. He talked dirty. A lot. We opened a vintage 2003 Dom Perignon for no reason other than I felt like it. We shared sexual fantasies and I learned more about his sexual history.

I cooked him breakfast and we watched a sporting event together. In bathrobes and slippers.

Now, as I ponder my party on Friday, I realize I don’t want to have him meet all my friends just to have it end a few weeks later. Some still ask about Johnny Id. Continue reading

My infamous party.

For almost a decade I have had a theme party every winter. It was the one social event that Will and I hosted.

I continued the tradition in my new house. I also took advantage of my new-found freedom to have a party a quarter, with varying themes (and no, I don’t mean costumes…they are things like “sausage and nuts” or “summer wine”). I love to entertain, love to be a great host.

This party has played a part in two of my past relationships, and will hopefully be part of a third.

Naked Ironing Man’s last-minute cancellation helped spawn my first breakup with him.  I was so looking forward to his meeting my friends, and vice versa. While I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me, an unwillingness to participate at all in my life was a non-starter. Continue reading

Music for men who crossed my path.

I love music. I choose it based on my mood. It is almost always playing in my house – even more so now that I have a new turntable and my Dad’s vinyl collection to discover.

The post about Andrew and that Bruno Mars song got me thinking. For some of the men who have crossed by path, there is a song I associate with them. Perhaps just for a short period of time, perhaps forever. Time will tell. The songs that remind me of Faraway Lover are still vivid memories of our time together – I’m starting to think that will never fade.

Here are the boys and their songs. If you don’t know their stories, go to my “Lovers” page. But please don’t pick apart every lyric and test the applicability…my brain doesn’t work that way.

Naked Ironing Man – “Say Something” by A Great Big World Continue reading