There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading

My infamous party.

For almost a decade I have had a theme party every winter. It was the one social event that Will and I hosted.

I continued the tradition in my new house. I also took advantage of my new-found freedom to have a party a quarter, with varying themes (and no, I don’t mean costumes…they are things like “sausage and nuts” or “summer wine”). I love to entertain, love to be a great host.

This party has played a part in two of my past relationships, and will hopefully be part of a third.

Naked Ironing Man’s last-minute cancellation helped spawn my first breakup with him.  I was so looking forward to his meeting my friends, and vice versa. While I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me, an unwillingness to participate at all in my life was a non-starter. Continue reading

Music for men who crossed my path.

I love music. I choose it based on my mood. It is almost always playing in my house – even more so now that I have a new turntable and my Dad’s vinyl collection to discover.

The post about Andrew and that Bruno Mars song got me thinking. For some of the men who have crossed by path, there is a song I associate with them. Perhaps just for a short period of time, perhaps forever. Time will tell. The songs that remind me of Faraway Lover are still vivid memories of our time together – I’m starting to think that will never fade.

Here are the boys and their songs. If you don’t know their stories, go to my “Lovers” page. But please don’t pick apart every lyric and test the applicability…my brain doesn’t work that way.

Naked Ironing Man – “Say Something” by A Great Big World Continue reading

What the heck do I want, anyway?

My natural inclination is to date only one person at a time. Even if just for one date. But I like to focus on one person, figure out our compatability, and then in theory, keep progressing if things work out.

Prior to meeting Will, I was a serial monogamist. Even if just for one night. I didn’t really ever date multiple people, although there were some times in University where I was sleeping off and on with a couple different men. But that was the exception.

When thrust into the dating scene last year, I found that talking to multiple people seemed the only way to go. Given how often men disappear, or bail, or turn out to want something other than what they profess, it’s the easiest way to ensure you have a full pipeline. It also ensures that when you are rejected, there is someone else to dull the pain. Furthermore, the relative anonymity of being online also makes this possible.

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My mind is a jumble of naughty and heartache

I’m sitting in my vacation spot, outdoors, where it’s a bit chilly. I’m warming myself by a firepit. Listening to what I’m sure is a wedding party, and debating how uncouth it would be to crash. I’m also not wearing a bra, but am sporting a white shirt and realize that I’m a bit nipply.

As I think about what to write, there are many things going through my head right now.

The first (not foremost) is that my masturbation is getting naughtier. I find myself on occasion DP’ing myself. Is that odd?

Sheesh. Okay, here I am asking the internet if DP masturbation is weird. I guarantee that for every kink or idiosyncrasy, there is a community here. Continue reading

Healing through sex & trying to move on.

Update: I feel the need, after all the comments and feedback, to clarify WHY I wrote this post. I wrote it for me. It’s how I process things; this blog is my journal. I didn’t write it to “bait” Johnny into responding to me, since as far as I knew he was no longer reading. 

Unfortunately, I was wrong. 

This was NOT meant to be an attack on Johnny. I’m deeply sorry if it seemed that way because he’s not worthy of any attack whatsoever.

The point I was trying to make is that I read things out of context and get a bit obsessed, and it’s not rational. In other words – these are MY problems – this is a peek into the craziness that is my brain sometimes.  

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I was kicked off the roller coaster. And it's a good thing.

Thank you from my bottom of my heart to all of you who took the time to comment on my post yesterday. It means so much to me to be supported (and challenged!) by so many. And my goodness, Hook, you really did me a solid. Your readers took your “call to arms” to heart…and it’s really lovely.

And thanks for the vacation tips too. I’m hoping to book something this week. Hedonism II is pretty tempting but I don’t want to go alone…

After I put my post up yesterday I checked my work email, and there was a note from Johnny which he had sent in the middle of the night. Now, I’m sure that email is the reason my administrative assistant was being particularly nice to me yesterday (since she monitors my inbox) but that’s another story.
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Why the f*ck is this so hard!?

Yesterday Johnny and I spent a bit of time texting back and forth about how much we wanted to text back and forth. He asked me how much I wanted to hear from him – I didn’t really know, and said basically somewhere between him telling me every time he took the dog out, and not hearing from him for days. He didn’t like that answer; he thought I was avoiding the question.

We eventually got to a place where I said – please just contact me when you want to, and don’t if you don’t. I still want to hear from him, but I understand it may not be the constant throughout the day texting (which I don’t have time for, anyway).

In this case, I’m not really keen on putting those kinds of parameters in place. It seemed to make sense to go with the flow and see how we feel.
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I was going to ask my audience…but I already made my decision.

I’m not sure when I last referenced it, but Johnny Id and I have been trying to sort out what’s next for us, ever since “the big event” a few weeks ago. We had agreed to just be friends and I wrote about it in my #TeamAJ…moving forward post.

When I was really angry last week, it ended with him getting angry and hurt in response and we decided at that point it might be better to take a bit of a break from speaking to one another. No contact, for 5 days.

You also may have seen that he left WordPress. He’s kept his blog up (thank goodness; none of my links would work!) and transferred his information to Blogspot and is blogging over there now. He said he would stop reading my blog, but he hasn’t done that yet. Continue reading

Saturday melancholy.

Yup, while I’m working on thinking about what I’m thankful for this week, right now I just feel…a whole lot of nothing.

Good things:

  • The morning I chose to go to work a bit late, so instead of jumping out of bed first thing, cuddling with my son and reading a book together.
  • Laughing until I cried with one of my employees, about something I can’t even remember anymore.
  • Giving an amazing presentation on the strategy for my new department.
  • Being told I was “smart and hot”.
  • Enjoying the delight and anticipation a friend is feeling about a potential new lover.
  • Reaching 500 followers on this here blog.
  • Having a few close friends proactively reach out to make sure I am okay.
  • Hanging out in the schoolyard on Friday with other parents while my son was at a sports practice, and getting the guts up to ask a fellow single parent whether he contacted my friend Katharine after they hooked up (yes, I knew he didn’t…and I enjoyed on her behalf listening to him try to explain why).
  • Thinking my furnace was broken, but it’s producing heat at the moment. Okay, that’s perhaps a stretch, but not adding to my list of things to do is a really good thing.

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