The 48-hour aftermath 

Breakups always suck, but the amount of suckage is relative. I don’t feel like that’s a particularly profound statement but it’s what I’ve got for you right now.

As my breakup with Tony goes, it’s a doozy.

It’s not so much that I doubt the decision we made (and yes, it was we; I knew deep down what was likely to happen when I drew my line in the sand). I’m at peace with the decision and I am relieved to not have that awful feeling of mistrust and unsatisfied yearning of my heart.

What makes me sad is the loss of him as part of my day-to-day life. What has me sobbing is the losing one of the strongest connections I’ve ever had with a man.  Continue reading

Arranging a threesome with my boyfriend. 

No, that’s not fraught with danger.

When I finally agreed to be exclusive with Fox (we had the exclusivity conversation twice), I had one condition: that he be open to occasionally playing with others, together. He accepted that condition with some reservations.

He was worried first about how often I might want it. When I reassured him it was probably a once every couple of months thing, if that, he felt better.

But then, a more serious issue surfaced – what if he tried it and couldn’t perform, or it really bothered him? He was (is?) worried I may not want to continue dating him. Continue reading

When I didn't plan to be beaten (3)

I added this feature image because I deliberately put a small pic of my bruises at the end of this post but it seems WordPress likes to make it a feature image, which I didn’t want. Don’t scroll down to the very bottom if you don’t want to see the bruise picture. I’ve offended some people, it seems. Again.

[Part One | Part Two]
I watched the woman writhe and moan under the Dom’s ministrations. It was startling to watch what he was doing, but I could tell he was very skilled. Soon afterwards they were finished, he helped her down off the cross (words I can’t say I ever thought I would write), people applauded, and off she went.

He came over to me. We laughed about meeting at the gangbang night without even realizing. We chatted as if I wasn’t standing in from of him almost naked and he didn’t have a whip in his hand. I asked him about his Prince Albert piercing…I’m admittedly, a little curious.

Then he asked me if I wanted to get on the cross. I must have looked terrified so he walked me over to the big bag he had on an ottoman and showed me a few things.

Knowing about my bad experience with the Dom at the gangbang night, he explained that in these situations, it’s the Sub that has all the power. He told me he would start slow and gentle and be constantly checking in with me to see how I was doing. He told me I could use three words – Yellow to say I was reaching my limit, Red to say I was at my limit, and a third word (unique to people from my area) which means stop immediately.

Nobody has ever had to use that word with him. Continue reading

When I didn’t plan to be beaten or have sex with a woman (2)

[Part One]

Jason led me by the hand to the play space. It was already filling up with couples and single men. Jason and the husband (we’ll just call him “H”) picked a platform bed. His wife (“W”) still hadn’t said anything but he said “oh, she likes you a lot”.

It was surreal.

H said “we usually like to start with massages; do you like massages?”


I really wished it was Jason’s hands on me. Throughout the next hour I would always know the second he touched me… I suppose after 18 months it makes sense. (And for anyone relatively new to this blog and wondering why Jason isn’t my boyfriend…he found out shortly after we started dating, in the Fall of 2013, that he had a 9 month old. His son lives with him now and he’s been slowly determining with the mother of his child whether they are going to get back together). Continue reading

Who needs dating sites? Or, how I went to a swingers club within a week of being single.

Fluid loss was the theme of last week.

I can’t believe it’s only been seven days since I broke it off with Tony. It feels like forever and I miss him so much. All these little things remind me of him, and my first instinct is to text or call him – but I don’t. I have held true to my self-imposed no contact promise, both in spirit and letter.

A close friend gently told me he’s gone forever; the reality is if he wanted me, he would figure it out. I can come up with all kinds of rationalizations for his behaviour, but I know deep down it’s true. Regardless, there’s a part of me that so badly hopes its not true. Hoping there is a happy and romantic ending. I guess I’m not 100% cynic.

I have managed to stay off the dating sites. But before I claim any kind of moral victory, the truth is I haven’t needed them to interact with men. Continue reading

I've made a decision: I'm letting go.

I’m sitting in my living room, which I slightly restructured yesterday morning. Listening to 60s music on vinyl. Drinking a coffee.

I’m alone on Mother’s Day morning. My bed was empty except for me. Liam is having brunch with his Dad and Colleen this morning. I’m not seeing him until later today. And today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.

Seeing the positives is a wee challenge in this particular moment. But I have a latte, good music, a carpet now free of the red-wine stains from a party weeks ago, my french doors are open, and the birds are singing.

It’s perhaps been a month of waffling about what to do about Tony. I’m done waffling. Continue reading

I turned down great sex today. What's wrong with me?

I’m working at home today – had the Friday morning school dropoff and a few calls and that was it. I also needed to wash and dry what feels like an endless amount of winter gear.

Jason knows I sometimes work from home on Fridays. Last night he sent me a saucy text message (he’s been in pretty constant contact these days, unlike someone we know) and joked he was just going to come on over and give me a good seeing too.

Wow, was I tempted. Sorely tempted. I haven’t had sex in almost three weeks. Now, I’m not out of my skin with desire, but I could use a good fucking.

Combine that with the thought that my relationship with Tony is surely about to end, and I confess I did consider taking Jason up on his offer. Especially if he just showed up at my door, I thought about what I would do. Continue reading

Jason cums on Friday afternoon

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey how was your vacation?
Him: Great thanks, how is work?
Me: Super stressful, actually.
Him: Do you need some stress release?
Me: Fuck yeah.
Him: What’s your schedule like this week?

And before I knew it, Jason and I had made plans for him to come to my place on Friday afternoon for a bit of sexual healing. Continue reading

And…then there were zero dates, but some upcoming sex

I guess I should just know that this shit happens. On the one hand I’m happy I don’t have to shower now, but on the other it would have been nice to get out.

Let me back up. As I posted this morning, I had a lunch appointment (I’m not calling it a date) and an after-work date today.

Lunch Appointment

This morning at 8:22 I got the following text from my lunch appointment:

“Hey Ann. I’m sorry but I need to reschedule. My wife fell down some stairs last night and hurt her back. She thought this morning she would be ok but after her sleep she can barely move. Can we reschedule. I’ll figure out when later today. Again I’m sorry.” Continue reading

The measure of 2 lovers is how they respond when you… | Part 2

For this to make any sense, you need to start with Part 1.

So now I have Andrew underneath me and Jason behind me. They start muttering about lube to each other and I know what will happen next. Even with my body being totally relaxed from the multiple orgasms I’ve now had, my brain is a little nervous.

Just before, I’d managed to have two cocks in my pussy (which, for the record, I’m told is generally pretty tight). But this is again new. After a bit of pressure, I was being double penetrated.

Continue reading