A death in the friend family.

He was a friend, admirer, and protector. Never a lover. He was like the older brother I never had. 

A decade-plus older with way more work experience, he was one of the first colleagues to help me understand how good of a leader I actually am. He was crusty and opinionated but looked up to me. As an independent contractor he could work with anyone, and he chose to work for me. I was humbled by his praise.

I was blessed by his presence in my life.

During one of the projects we worked together on he took a pastry course. We all looked forward to Wednesday mornings when the treats would arrive. Never fully satisfied with his work, he rebuffed our compliments, said through stuffed mouths. He always showed up on time to my parties. He was single the whole time I knew him and at first I assumed he was gay. Turned out after his last long-term relationship he’d tired of trying, and spent his time doting on his nieces and nephews. But he always had relationship advice for me.

He was the one who called me the day after my party, where HWSNBN lost his shit, to make sure I was okay. He made me promise to end it and offered to do anything I needed to keep me safe.

At my party, HWSNBN had told him to “fuck off” after he made a nice comment about my legs. Blind with jealousy, HWSNBN couldn’t see the friendship and teasing behind the comment. And his anger at my friend helped cement his demise. No asshole was going to come between me and the people I choose to surround myself with.

The last time I saw him he sat in one of my comfy chairs, joked about my cast, then quietly disclosed his recent absence from my life was due to depression, not a physical illness as I’d feared. He was starting to realize it was okay to share, but knew his pride and stubborn nature got in the way. 

We promised to see each other soon.

That was February. 

And now I mourn the loss. His death was sudden and unexpected, and a reminder to try to live every day as if it was not only my last day, but my friends and family’s as well.

Travel drama replaces man drama. 

A cousin of mine lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, and her son and mine got along famously the last time we had a family reunion. For almost two years, Liam has asked when we would visit: we chose Easter weekend.
I’ve never had such a comedy of errors while travelling, and for someone who has done a significant amount of business and personal travel, that’s saying something. Continue reading

A fantasy come true: lingerie under a trench coat 

It’s unseasonably warm here; we’ve been breaking records courtesy of El Niño.

I offered to Tony on Friday night to come to him, instead of having him come to my place, given how stressed he was. My team was coming over to my place for dinner and drinks but since I’d been sick I hadn’t had any alcohol; so I was perfectly fine to not imbibe with them.

We left the office early and they started drinking at my place before 3pm. I nursed sparkling water. The stories we shared could fill a few sexy blog posts. My gay male team member has a fantastic story of an encounter with a micro penis. Maybe I should write it; it’s a tragicomedy. Continue reading

Grey Knight’s version of meeting me & an update on Tony

I recently wrote about meeting the blogger Grey Knight. Turns out, he wrote about meeting me as well. I always find it fascinating to see myself through others’ eyes, and this is no exception.

If you’re interested, you can read his account of our meeting here: Meeting Ann St Vincent.

Enjoy!

And in other news, I’m only starting to feel like myself again. This illness kicked the crap out of me the last week. I’ve seen Tony just once but we’ve talked on the phone every day. I’m not sure my head is in a much better place, in fact I’d still say I’m morose, since he told me yet again he’s not 100% sure he’s not going to go back to his ex. While I don’t want to read into it, it does help explain why he doesn’t like “labels” like “exclusive” or “boyfriend” because those show a commitment he can’t quite make. It definitely helps me explain why I haven’t met his son. Etcetera. 

And there’s no vacation set yet. He asked his ex (I’m sure he didn’t say he was going with a GIRLFRIEND) and she wasn’t “all that receptive” to him being gone for five days. So looks like I’m at her mercy in more ways than one. He insists he wants to go away with me. It’s not personal. 

I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to think about it. But the record keeps playing in my head. 

Well, that was short lived.

I guess I can change my FetLife profile back to “single”.

Tony failed to show any significant signs of communications improvement in the last 72 hours. This afternoon he said on the phone he would “do his best” to come to my place tonight, after Liam fell asleep.

Of course, it didn’t happen. That phone call was at 2pm. There was no text, no doorbell ring, or phone call, until 9pm. He called to tell me he was in the zone with work and it was much better for him to get his stuff done so when he did see me, he would be far more fun.

Our conversation started off with just work talk, and other niceties. But then, we turned it serious. I’m not exactly sure how it all went down, but I laid out how the small broken promises had added up in the last three days. Saying he will text or call and not doing it, over and over again. He responded that he was sick, etcetera, and I retorted there is always something. There is always a nap, or illness, or thing with his kid, or work, or time with a friend (rare), but there’s always some reason he can’t text or call or see me. Continue reading

When sickness reigns over the holidays, I kiss a cook.

I am so f*cking sick of being sick.

I was finally starting to feel a bit better last week…the coughing and effects of the pneumonia had subsided, although they were lingering. I no longer had to take liquid codeine to stop coughing so I could sleep at night.

This was progress.

Christmas Eve I did not have my son. I wouldn’t have him until noon on Christmas Day which was the first time EVER he wasn’t with me. It was painful but I managed, with the help of friends and family.

When my parents split, a friend and colleague of my Mother’s invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them. We also spent Christmas with them, and it became a long-standing tradition. The family had two children; a boy a few years older (actually he’s #16 on my list of men I’ve slept with) and a girl my age (Scarlett). We became very close friends. Continue reading