There’s a chink in the fortress wall

After the intense yet calming overnight with Leo, I could start to feel… well… to be perfectly honest, the sheer fact I felt anything other than frustration or sadness was wonderful.

There are various men whose presence I was graced with this year, and the emotions I associate with my time with them aren’t overwhelmingly good. Tony was certainly comfortable, but unfortunately most of my energy with him was angry or sad.

The reality is, some the new men elicited brief excitement. HWSNBN was exciting at first, then quickly overwhelming, then was all about fear. Continue reading

A gorgeous Saturday afternoon, nothing but my thoughts.

Of course that’s not true; I’m with a girlfriend, her parents, and our three collective children. We are, quite literally, in the middle of nowhere. It’s been a night and day of sun, water, swimming, laughs, music, day drinking, and snacks.

I haven’t had any stories I’ve had the time to make a whole blog post but I thought I’d catch up on a few things (and people).

Work has been super busy. Evenings after putting Liam to bed, weekend monitoring of emails, and the like. We are really close to a big deadline and while it’s not gone super smoothly, so far the problems are all manageable. I was brought in to save it and I really hope I prove to have done so. Continue reading

i've filled my online dating dance card

My dance card is full again

Clark wanted to get together on Sunday but I said no. Not for lack of physical desire (sex just stokes the internal fires), but I’d had my emotional fill of cock that week. He has been pursuing me, asking when we will see each other. He is single and keen for “good pussy” (Lewis’s words).

I’m seeing him on Monday along with Lewis. Maybe with a bonus (third!) dude and the woman from before. I’d be happy to have all three men at my own disposal but perhaps that makes me greedy. Fuck it, I don’t care.

I am seeing Jake on Friday. When in my latest “screw it I’m filling all my time with girlfriends” phase I booked time to see a close friend for dinner. Jake will come over afterwards in what I’m sure will be a repeat of our last date. I’m okay with that; we’ve discussed setting another date with more time together. Continue reading

juggling multiple sexual partners

I had sex with 4 different men in 5 days

Monday was Ian.

Wednesday was Tony.

Thursday was Lewis.

Friday was Jake.

Four men in five days. I turned down Clark although he’d asked to see me on the weekend since he missed out on Thursday. How did I feel about it? Mostly powerful. Definitely slutty. Continue reading

is meh better than nothing?

My busy week | Monday with Ian

It’s funny how moving past someone emotionally, ever so slightly, changes everything. Ian started out with decent potential even considering the distance. But his weird behavior on our third date (even now that I understand its cause) and his subsequent whining about not knowing what he wanted and what we’d do in September when he started to spend less time in the city was enough for me to move him from the “good potential” to “meh” box.

How different my reaction to him versus Kyle. I’m still not at “meh” with Kyle, but wish I was. Continue reading

i don't want to be alone

Let the eye rolling and flailing begin. My week at a glance.

Ferns, you’ve got to know I’m thinking of you with every word. And indeed, with some of these decisions I confess to thinking “oh gosh Ferns is gonna kill me from across the planet”.

Monday

Ian. Even before the Kyle bail, I’d been thinking about my summer plans and the things I wanted to do. I want some guys to spend time with and I got it in my head that Ian might be fun for some good nights. Other than that weird third date we had great nights together and good conversations. Not the easiest thing for me to find. Continue reading

rejected by a date

I’ve regressed a little bit.

I own my good behavior. It’s easy to write about the shit I do that I’m proud off. There’s lots of it, usually. Harder is admitting when I do shit that I know it counterproductive or just dumb.

I’ve done some dumb shit, and I own it too.

I know I’ve learned more from my mistakes than my accomplishments. This is true in work as well as my personal life. When I think back to the guys who really fucked me up over the last few years, those are the lessons that helped me get better at dating and survive what can feel like a constant onslaught of rejection and bullshit.  Continue reading

the distance was too much for Ian

Mr Ambivalent shows some emotion and explains his actions 

Previous Post

I remained confused about Ian’s general ambivalence. He’d sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text but then not much else. The Tuesday morning afterwards I texted “Good morning – you’ve been rather quiet.”

No response.

Later that night, laying on the floor all angry and hurt about Tony, I enjoyed a (brief) moment of levity when not 5 minutes before he showed up, Ian called. I didn’t answer the phone.

Later that night I saw he’d texted “hi” at 10:30 then later, “you have time to chat?”. The next morning when I woke up I texted that I would call him later that day. No “oh sorry I missed you”. Wasn’t feeling it, so didn’t say it. Continue reading

Three quick things

My gut was more right than I thought. Those days away for “work” when he could mysteriously not talk to me? Tony was on vacation with his “ex” wife and child. 

Pretty sure the only reason he confessed was because I called him on his bullshit.

In theory I may see him tonight so he can tell me all this to my face. 

::

I’ve not heard from Ian since the Happy Mother’s Day text.

::

I went on another first date. Coffee, within 48 hours of first contact. He’s communicative. Very tall – 6’8″. Real job. Confirmed our second date as we said goodbye. Kiss on the cheek. 

Can honestly say if not for the latter I would be even deeper in a spiral of anger.

I don't know what to make of our third date

My third date with three of the seven dwarfs

To start at the beginning of the story with Ian, click here. For my previous post, click here.

When I arrived back in my city, I sent him a text to let him know. We exchanged four text messages that day….none of which were him saying anything close to “hey thanks for last night I had a great time.”

Fine.

The next morning I sent him the following: “Good morning handsome 🙂 The nightgown I was wearing last night smelled like you and it made me smile…”

What did I get in return, three hours later? “Hey good morning to you. Not as nice and sunny when you were here yesterday!”

Sigh. Continue reading