Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading

There’s something going around.

Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.

Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.

But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.

I’m rather proud of myself for doing just that.  Continue reading

Evicerating a heart in a few easy steps.

Step 1:

Believe the words a man tells you; that he loves you, that you are unlike anyone else in his life, that although you aren’t going to be intimate anymore he doesn’t want to lose you in his life. Believe he can’t possibly be so deceitful that he’s letting two women think the same thing when it comes to his love and commitment to them. Justify staying intimate with him by telling yourself she can’t possibly believe he’s romantically in love with her.

Step 2:

After you break up for the final time, spend a fair amount of mental calories debating whether to block him from contacting you. Believe he will be the one to reach out. Think about ways you need to be strong to get through the breakup without reverting. Believe he will be the one that suffers more in your absence, than you in his. (Note: this is perhaps dangerously close to hubris)

Step 3: Continue reading

Goodbye and Closure?

A final goodbye?

Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.

I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.

Wait, that’s not quite right either. Continue reading

saying goodbye to tony

My busy week | Tues & Wed (with Tony….ssshhhh)

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Tuesday | Out with girlfriends

Tuesday night I went out with some female colleagues after work. One of them is a friend and I’m also her client. There’s a high end restaurant at the base of my office tower, it’s her favorite and she always pays (client appreciation yay!!) so we go there.

We eat a lot of great food, drink cocktails, and multiple bottles of wine. While I got home by 10pm, I was pretty drunk. Keep it together drunk, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any work or drive a car.

My brain still didn’t shut down. Perhaps this happens to everyone, but when I’m trying to move past something the thoughts just seem to circle endlessly. The rejection of Kyle, saying goodbye to Tony, what the fuck I was doing back on OK Cupid, was I fooling myself about what I was doing. You know, typical pre-bed thoughts.  Continue reading

I sense real trouble with this one.

I woke up this morning wondering if the hours spent with Sevag last night were a dream. An amazing, intense, wonderful, dream.

They weren’t, but easily could be.

My heart and head are fighting a serious battle; a good one this time. It is so seductive to be romanced by someone who looks at me like he can see into my heart and soul. I actually think he can.

He has sussed out truths about me without my explicitly sharing information that would allow this conclusion. Continue reading

What does heartbreak feel like?

I feel no searing pain. The pain of heartbreak, which studies have proven feels as real as actual physical pain.

I am not doubled over with grief.

Perhaps it’s because I have Liam this week, work is busy, and two upcoming child-free weekends are going to be filled with girlfriends, but I don’t feel an empty space in my life.

I haven’t cried.

I got close for a brief moment when I thought of how good Fox was to Liam, and how amazingly good to me he was.

I just don’t feel much of anything right now. Continue reading

He is a seeker, like me | Words from Ann's heart

Hi everyone. This is Ann’s heart wielding the keyboard right now. Not her head. While I do come out to play, I’m not usually allowed free rein here. I’m usually tightly bound by her analysis and her intellect.

But one of you said you didn’t think I was in love with Tony. And I knew I had to speak. So I’ve snuck out while she’s otherwise occupied. But I have to keep it short because she notices when I’m gone, now that she’s taken down the brick walls that used to surround me.

Ann told me I’m just one piece of what makes her want to be with someone. But when I went along on that first date with Tony, something happened – and it was all because of me – it was as if my partner-in-crime, my soul, sat up and started paying attention.

It said:

Hello, Tony, I SEE you. You KNOW me. We are the same and we connect on a level far deeper than what her brain has figured out. Continue reading

Healing through sex & trying to move on.

Update: I feel the need, after all the comments and feedback, to clarify WHY I wrote this post. I wrote it for me. It’s how I process things; this blog is my journal. I didn’t write it to “bait” Johnny into responding to me, since as far as I knew he was no longer reading. 

Unfortunately, I was wrong. 

This was NOT meant to be an attack on Johnny. I’m deeply sorry if it seemed that way because he’s not worthy of any attack whatsoever.

The point I was trying to make is that I read things out of context and get a bit obsessed, and it’s not rational. In other words – these are MY problems – this is a peek into the craziness that is my brain sometimes.  

Continue reading

My biggest heart break | 1 Jan 1999

For this post to make the most sense, you should probably read the ones that precede it – my journal entries about meeting and falling in love with Will, my ex-husband, in late 1998:

I never wrote about what happened literally days after those entries. I was away with my family on a vacation. New Years Eve or Day, I can’t remember, I called Will to say hi. He was just weird on the phone; distant and not himself. He didn’t say anything was wrong, and I when I inquired about it, he said everything was fine.

But my gut told me something different. Sure enough, when I got home, he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship  anymore.

[Yeah, I guess I could call this “Ann St. Vincent Breakup Week!” Like shark week, just a lot sadder and less scary.]

I was completely stunned. I had given him my entire heart and soul and like that – poof – it was over. I no longer remember the details but I wrote a bit about my reaction in a post called I’m Being Tested.

I had never before been so heartbroken. I have never, ever, been the same.

The details are foggy now but I know I was destroyed. He’s not particularly comfortable with emotion. I showed a lot of it. We got back together. Many years later, he made a comment that blew me away – that had I not cried so much we would have stayed broken up. I wrote about it briefly here.

Here’s the thing. Ultimately, when I look back on our relationship, I should have walked away then. This isn’t about regret; I have an amazing son out of the union and wouldn’t change that for anything. But if I look at things completely dispassionately, I know that it was at that moment that my red flag radar should have been off the charts. Because here’s what I never allowed myself to see clearly:

He didn’t mean what he said

My ex rarely said what he meant, if he thought it would cause conflict. He would take a path of least resistance. However, it didn’t last, and he would later get angry when I acted on what he said / agreed etc. For example, he would say he would come with me to a family event. Then a week before we would say, seemingly out of the blue, “you know I don’t want to go to your family event. I can’t believe you are making me go.”

This happened with little things and big things. It was constant. It was so bad that I felt everything with him had to be translated, triangulated, to see what the truth was. It was exhausting. His whole family was like that.

So when I think back to our courtship, I’m pretty sure now that much of what he said, he didn’t mean. You are supposed to say that your place is their place. You are supposed to take things to the next level. Supposed to say you are in love with someone.

And isn’t that the worst thing of all…that now, in hindsight, I have no idea what was fiction, truth, or what he wanted to believe was true?

All the other shit

I started of writing big sections here and the reality is, there was a lot of stuff I saw but didn’t let myself really see it. Here’s a sampling:

He was anti-social. He had a few close friends but that was it. No interest in meeting new people and socializing – he once told me “I’m not taking any new friend applications”. It was always a challenge and we were not well matched at all in this regard. I let go of a lot of friendships which is one of my regrets.

Will would sometimes, in the middle of a night with friends at our house, get up and say “well, I’m going to bed” and just disappear. Dinner parties, which I love, were rare and only with a couple close friend couples. He could fake it if needed – we had an annual party and he was just fine – but it was the rare exception.

He was vicious when he was angry. I would be thinking everything was fine – mostly because he wouldn’t deal with the little stuff – and then all of a sudden he would explode with anger. Yelling, saying I was a total fucking selfish bitch. He called me a c*nt. He called me all sorts of things that honestly, I’ve just blocked out of my memory.

I would be stunned into submission and then he would be better – saying later “are you still mad at me?” – it would always take me a few days to move past what I had just experienced. I would shut down…and like a rechargeable battery, each time I came back up, I lost a little bit of my juice.

He was exceedingly controlling. “I’m not having this conversation” was an oft-used line. Although he didn’t shy away from conflict when he was angry, he had no mechanism for rational sorting through of issues, in advance, before they came huge problems. He got better at that over time, but it took ages.

Every red flag I saw, I rationalised away. I told myself that the “nice” guys I had met before were boring, and I wanted someone who would challenge me. I liked that he was intelligent. He had varied interests – in theory. While he said he liked everything from baseball to opera, whenever I would suggest we go out, he wouldn’t want to go. I shudder to think how many event and concert tickets I purchased over the years, only to go unused or passed off to friends or family in the last minute.

Two weeks before I got married, I sat at my mother’s kitchen table crying that I wasn’t sure he was the right man for me. I got married anyway.

I refuse to ignore my gut anymore. It’s a lesson that took a while to learn, but my gut hasn’t been wrong about any guy I’ve met in the last year. I also know that a portion of my heart is locked away, nice and safe. It got shattered once and I’d really like to avoid having history repeat itself. The trick is figuring out how…