I’ve traveled to a new place.

I can’t pinpoint a specific trigger.

This built over over time, piece by piece. Moments of clarity, frustration, solitude, and heartbreak in the last four-and-a-half years have culminated in the place I am today. As someone said to me recently, we are, after all, the result of the good and bad decisions we’ve made.

Regardless how I got here, I’m here. And it’s pretty awesome.

I am, at present, without romantic yearning or expectations.

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Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading

There’s something going around.

Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.

Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.

But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.

I’m rather proud of myself for doing just that.  Continue reading

Evicerating a heart in a few easy steps.

Step 1:

Believe the words a man tells you; that he loves you, that you are unlike anyone else in his life, that although you aren’t going to be intimate anymore he doesn’t want to lose you in his life. Believe he can’t possibly be so deceitful that he’s letting two women think the same thing when it comes to his love and commitment to them. Justify staying intimate with him by telling yourself she can’t possibly believe he’s romantically in love with her.

Step 2:

After you break up for the final time, spend a fair amount of mental calories debating whether to block him from contacting you. Believe he will be the one to reach out. Think about ways you need to be strong to get through the breakup without reverting. Believe he will be the one that suffers more in your absence, than you in his. (Note: this is perhaps dangerously close to hubris)

Step 3: Continue reading

Goodbye and Closure?

A final goodbye?

Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.

I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.

Wait, that’s not quite right either. Continue reading

saying goodbye to tony

My busy week | Tues & Wed (with Tony….ssshhhh)

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Tuesday | Out with girlfriends

Tuesday night I went out with some female colleagues after work. One of them is a friend and I’m also her client. There’s a high end restaurant at the base of my office tower, it’s her favorite and she always pays (client appreciation yay!!) so we go there.

We eat a lot of great food, drink cocktails, and multiple bottles of wine. While I got home by 10pm, I was pretty drunk. Keep it together drunk, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any work or drive a car.

My brain still didn’t shut down. Perhaps this happens to everyone, but when I’m trying to move past something the thoughts just seem to circle endlessly. The rejection of Kyle, saying goodbye to Tony, what the fuck I was doing back on OK Cupid, was I fooling myself about what I was doing. You know, typical pre-bed thoughts.  Continue reading

I sense real trouble with this one.

I woke up this morning wondering if the hours spent with Sevag last night were a dream. An amazing, intense, wonderful, dream.

They weren’t, but easily could be.

My heart and head are fighting a serious battle; a good one this time. It is so seductive to be romanced by someone who looks at me like he can see into my heart and soul. I actually think he can.

He has sussed out truths about me without my explicitly sharing information that would allow this conclusion. Continue reading

What does heartbreak feel like?

I feel no searing pain. The pain of heartbreak, which studies have proven feels as real as actual physical pain.

I am not doubled over with grief.

Perhaps it’s because I have Liam this week, work is busy, and two upcoming child-free weekends are going to be filled with girlfriends, but I don’t feel an empty space in my life.

I haven’t cried.

I got close for a brief moment when I thought of how good Fox was to Liam, and how amazingly good to me he was.

I just don’t feel much of anything right now. Continue reading

He is a seeker, like me | Words from Ann's heart

Hi everyone. This is Ann’s heart wielding the keyboard right now. Not her head. While I do come out to play, I’m not usually allowed free rein here. I’m usually tightly bound by her analysis and her intellect.

But one of you said you didn’t think I was in love with Tony. And I knew I had to speak. So I’ve snuck out while she’s otherwise occupied. But I have to keep it short because she notices when I’m gone, now that she’s taken down the brick walls that used to surround me.

Ann told me I’m just one piece of what makes her want to be with someone. But when I went along on that first date with Tony, something happened – and it was all because of me – it was as if my partner-in-crime, my soul, sat up and started paying attention.

It said:

Hello, Tony, I SEE you. You KNOW me. We are the same and we connect on a level far deeper than what her brain has figured out. Continue reading

Healing through sex & trying to move on.

Update: I feel the need, after all the comments and feedback, to clarify WHY I wrote this post. I wrote it for me. It’s how I process things; this blog is my journal. I didn’t write it to “bait” Johnny into responding to me, since as far as I knew he was no longer reading. 

Unfortunately, I was wrong. 

This was NOT meant to be an attack on Johnny. I’m deeply sorry if it seemed that way because he’s not worthy of any attack whatsoever.

The point I was trying to make is that I read things out of context and get a bit obsessed, and it’s not rational. In other words – these are MY problems – this is a peek into the craziness that is my brain sometimes.  


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