I’ve traveled to a new place.

I can’t pinpoint a specific trigger.

This built over over time, piece by piece. Moments of clarity, frustration, solitude, and heartbreak in the last four-and-a-half years have culminated in the place I am today. As someone said to me recently, we are, after all, the result of the good and bad decisions we’ve made.

Regardless how I got here, I’m here. And it’s pretty awesome.

I am, at present, without romantic yearning or expectations.

Continue reading

Let’s wrap this sh*t up (a post about Fox. Again.)

So much to write about, but being over 40 it would seem that drinking way too much and not getting enough sleep does some serious damage. I’m still recovering from my wild Friday night.

But before we get to that, I want to write about Fox and where things are at. Yes, I will get to Tony and Shenanigans, but first things first.

As I said a few days ago, Fox and I spoke again earlier in the week. I reiterated that I needed actual space and time; meaning, I didn’t want to be in regular contact with him. He said he understood.  Continue reading

Breaking up is hard to do.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve broken up but it feels permanent this time.”

I finally managed to get Tony pinned down for a conversation. I suspect at some level he knew what was coming and he wasn’t terribly keen on hearing it. It had been more than a few days of trying.

I chose to do it face-to-face. Not because I hoped for some grand declaration of love from him, and certainly not because I was hoping for some last sexual adventure. I had reminded myself several times this was not the time to play fast and loose with any justifications which would run counter to my agreement with Fox to be exclusive.

He arrived at my house in the early evening, greeting me with a quick kiss on the corner of my mouth.

Just the way he smelled made me want to fuck him. Continue reading

Why would I prolong the inevitable?

After getting drunk on Friday, talking to Tony, and our subsequent unsatisfying text exchange, I got to thinking…since I had broken my non-contact vow, what good is waiting until next Friday?

I was hard pressed to come up with answers. I know in my heart and my mind he can’t give me what I need or want. He’s highly unlikely to be able to do so in the near future. So waiting doesn’t really make a difference.

I suppose I want to have the conversation to just confirm that yes, a few weeks later, he’s no closer to making a decision about his ex. Which is the first of many things he needs to do.  Continue reading

It’s the little things sometimes

I am working at finding pleasure in small things each day. With no man to keep me occupied, I have space to notice lots of other good things in my life.

My son and I had dinner with one of his school friends and his Mom, and she and I had a great, meaningful conversation. I realized that my dating and being confident and having an amicable relationship with Will are things to be very proud of.

I offered to help her start dating online. She’s 50 and beautiful and smart, with a dancers body. She did not believe me that young men will hit on her. I look forward to proving her wrong.

The warm sun on my face makes me happy. Continue reading

Part Two | Getting stoned, having a nipple orgasm, and opening up

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I had been warned in advance but it was still a rude awakening – literally – when Tony’s yelp of happiness at the right team scoring a goal jolted me awake.

It was only 7am.

While we crashed early the night before, I could have used a few more hours of rest. But I was unable to get back to sleep. I grabbed a sweater and padded downstairs, otherwise naked, to join him on the couch. It was the first football game (American translation: soccer) I watched with him. I curled up with my head on his chest and wrapped myself in a blanket.

We chatted here and there but mainly I just watched him watching the game. I could tell he was distracted – it was worse than the night before. I asked him if he was alright and he explained the fight with his ex was still weighing heavily. I knew more than to pry. Continue reading

I’m not used to this sweet and hopeful phase.

It’s one-sided, I think, but I’m in that place where every romantic or sexy song makes me think of Tony.

I think of him, the things we’ve already done, the fun things I’d like to do with him, and to him. I want more of him. I crave him.

I’ve written before that one of my fantasies is to be on a dance floor with a lover, in a dark, hot, sweaty, and thumping club. I love to dance, and I want my lover holding me, doing that fantastic sexy teasing dance that lovers do. He would put his hand up my skirt, finger me to an orgasm as I clung to him, my face pressed up against his chest. And Tony has a great chest. Continue reading

Writing your way to happiness | NY Times.com

I have always said that this blog has been incredibly therapeutic to me. Turns out, I am on to something (as are you!): Writing Your Way to Happiness.

It’s a scientific fact.