The problem with getting to the next level.

why is this a problem

Why is this a problem?

I deliberately don’t have a scale on this picture because the point is relativity. What you see in the pic is the result of a few different things which for a couple of days last week got me almost three times the blog traffic I’ve ever received. It won’t last, and now my chart just looks like all those other days were shitty.

This post isn’t actually about my blog stats, but what it got me thinking about:

Once you have achieved something or experienced something fantastic, it’s difficult to not want to continue at that level. If you don’t, everything else afterwards can feel like a letdown.

If I like Lewis’s cock, can I be satisfied with someone smaller? If I got used to Johnny’s communication, should I really expect anything less? Will anyone else have the kind of chemistry that Tony and I shared?

I have high expectations of myself, and always want to be better. My job demands excellence. When it comes to dating, I know nobody is perfect. But how do I know what is a reasonable-yet-high expectation? At the office, we call them “stretch goals”. What are my dating stretch goals?

When I started to think about how I wanted to be treated, it was a good step forward. I never wrote the post on the characteristics of the man I want to be with – at least not that I can recall. But really, these are minimum specifications, not my ideal. I’m a pragmatist, after all.

When I meet someone like Lewis, who – on the surface – exceeds the minimum criteria in many ways, it’s very exciting. While I don’t think I’m a big deal at all, I know I’m intelligent, kind, funny, passionate, financially independent, successful at my job, happy, decent looking, fun, a good communicator, organized, and I love to have sex. You can pretty much take me anywhere and I can talk to anyone.

In other words, I’m a catch.

Now, I’m not everyone’s catch – you’ll notice I didn’t talk about the down sides of being passionate, which is an intensity that can sometimes be overwhelming. I didn’t mention I’m highly analytical which can drive people bananas. I like order more than chaos, so if you love just flying by the seat of your pants all the time, I’m not your gal. What makes me good at my job – planning big things – can be irritating if you love spontaneity. I like to be tidy and organized, and I will try to organize you. I’m like the border collie of organizers… I can’t help but try to herd you.

All that to say, I don’t have a mindset that I’m perfect and my mate has to be. But am I in a place where I can demand that they be perfect for me? What does that even look like? What are the things I’m willing to compromise on? I don’t want to settle, but I can see how its tempting.

But, then I will remember I now have six (6!) views on this blog from Greenland and perhaps know that those stretch goals are achievable.


This makes me happy. Sadly.

A crazy cool blog milestone. Thank you.

I’ve been too busy living life and writing to really pay attention to my blog stats. They still fascinate me – like how can I have a visit from literally almost every country in the world, except fucking Greenland. If it wasn’t so damn big on the map:


Someday, Greenland will happen. A girl can dream.

I’m still constantly amazed and humbled that people find me, read me, and talk to me. It’s pretty awesome. I’ve met friends and lovers and amazing challengers and supporters. This blog has made such a huge difference in my life and helped me through many hard times.

Thank you to all of you who read and comment. 

Two days ago, I noticed my “followers” stats on the main page of my blog. It’s the total of wordpress followers, email followers, and twitter followers. And while there’s definitely some overlap between wordpress and twitter, it still shocked me:


What the hell?! 900 Followers? When the fuck did that happen?

Wow. Just wow. I still remember the day I had 10 followers and exclaimed to the colleague who suggested I blog in the first place “oh gosh I’m so excited, there are 10 people following me!”. That feeling has never worn off. Ranting Crow is one of my first followers and he’s still around – thank you 🙂

This blog is a labour of love. I write for me, first and foremost, and therefore continue to be grateful that my ultimately selfish exercise makes its way into your computers and your phones. I learned early on that I can’t write something at someone else’s request – I’m not talented enough to do it. If it doesn’t come naturally from the workings of my mind, it’s incredibly painful and feels forced. I write the only way I know how – as if you were sitting across from me and I was telling you a story.

Thank you, again, for reading my stories and taking the time to talk to me. 

From the bottom of my bloggy heart,


Empathy and Death


Right before bed last night, I was texting with Johnny Id and we were about to have a video chat when something caught my eye on Facebook (which I peruse occasionally) and got completely sidetracked.

One of my University roommates was killed on the weekend.

Not murdered, but killed in an accident – sudden and highly unusual in how it happened.

She had two children and was about to be married again in the next six months. It’s all over the news in the city in which she lives. No question, a horrible tragedy. Continue reading

41-and-a-week is NOT old. Right?!

I’m just over 41 years old. I suppose there are worse things.

This past week was…decent. I hit over 43,000 hits on my blog on my birthday. I can’t actually believe that it’s been looked at that many times, so perhaps it’s a large number, but as most things blog-related, I have no clue. It was lovely to get all those birthday wishes…so thank you 🙂

I still haven’t gotten my period which is SUPER annoying. There is nothing like being pre-menstrual for a whole month. Sheesh.

Anyway, I had little time to focus on my generalised funk, because my days usually go as follows: Continue reading

A really amazing set of memories

Johnny Id has been writing about our time together rather prolifically. I, on the other hand, stopped making notes after our first weekend and got lost in all the activity. I have his notes, but it’s not the same.

A play-by-play of the trip is not what I’m most interested in. There are definitely some fun stories – but right now I’m waiting for my son to be done in an indoor playground and the thoughts are just randomly flowing. I’ve read the news and perused Facebook. I’m in no rush and he’s getting great exercise and having fun. So now I will write.

Probably not a shock but the sex on the trip was amazing. I’ve already written a bit about it. If I wrote erotica I would have a lot of material upon which to draw. With one exception we had sex multiple times a day. Each session (except the two quickies) was at least 30 minutes…most far longer than that.

Continue reading

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is the first day of my birthday month. I’m a Virgo. Yay me.

One of the only things I miss about being married is having someone to do things for you like give you breakfast in bed (our birthday tradition) and make sure people show up if you want to celebrate with others.

It’s one of the things that’s had me feeling down this past week. But my son will be with me on my birthday, I arranged for my Mom and Step-Dad to come by for breakfast, and I invited a few girlfriends and their children to stop by for a few hours in the afternoon.

I thought I’d share what I was up to last week, in case you missed it: Continue reading

Problem solving fail | or why I can't figure my sh*t out

[The image is from the brilliant Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half]

I haven’t been writing much in the last two weeks. Usually, the ideas flow freely and as long as I make time, I can write. My thoughts and opinions are obvious to me.

I knew that after Johnny Id left, there would be a writing pause as I absorbed our time together and figured out what I wanted to write about. It happened after our first time together. I simply had to think a little bit about how to accurately reflect our time on paper. And of course, thinking about what it meant for our relationship after the trip took a bit of sorting through.

The same thing has happened again, but even more significantly. I can write about what we did when he was here, but writing about how I feel now, and what’s next, has proven to be a huge challenge. Continue reading

Cucumbers in Greenland

Actually this isn’t about Greenland. But you know my now-strong desire to have one of those 60,000 people love me.

After writing about impromptu sex toys, and then writing about whether the picture of my boobs overtook the masturbation post, cucumbers are now showing up in my search terms.

Innocuous? People looking for what to do with an abundance of cucumbers from their garden? Not quite. I present to you, two things I never thought would be put together in search terms:

  • cucumber like boobs
  • cucumber tits
  • cucumber between boobs
  • tits cucumbers

Am I missing some significant pop culture reference here? WTF do boobs have to do with cucumbers? I was traumatized the last time I searched that other common search term on my site – which I am NOT repeating here since I really don’t want that kind of attention.

So if anyone wants to enlighten me, go for it.

But before I go, maybe just a few Greenland (aka Grønland) terms and facts, for the record (thanks, Wikipedia!). And yes, before you say it, I know I’m becoming a total slut for Greenland.

  • Greenland’s head of state is Margrethe II, Queen regnant of Denmark.
  • With a population of 56,370 (2013), it is the least densely populated country in the world.
  • The average daily temperature of Nuuk, Greenland varies over the seasons from −8 to 7 °C (18 to 45 °F).
  • Greenland is the world’s largest non-continental island and the third largest country in North America.
  • The few land mammals in Greenland include polar bear, reindeer, musk ox, arctic fox, wolf, stoat, and arctic hare.


WTF Greenland…don't you love me?

I try to not pay too much attention to my statistics but occasionally look at the views by country.

I have to confess…I’m getting a bit obsessed with Greenland. Perhaps it’s a sign I don’t have enough to worry about. Or that I have a lot to worry about and at this moment am procrastinating.

My blog has invaded much of the world, except that big white mass known as Greenland. I’ve been waiting for just one person to read. Just one, and that big white spot would be gone.

Sigh. Do y’all know anyone?

Who am I kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone from Greenland or with any connection to that place whatsoever.

I know there are a bunch of you out there, but am pretty sure Sharn has done considerable work filling in Australia, like the Hook has for Canada. I think I could bet on Namibia being all due to Serins but hey, if you are from there too, I’d love to hear from you.

For the US? I will concede perhaps I have more than one reader there. I went to pick one Yank to thank and just couldn’t…there are several of you who I adore. One in particular, naturally, but I think you’ll barf if I call him out on every post this week.

(and to those of you searching for Donkey Fuckers, I’m sure you help fill out my map too…so thank you)

WTF Greenland?!