With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.
Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.
My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading →
I broke up with Leo three nights ago. I’d been writing about how I felt about him and doing my usual processing of things. I’d spoken to my Mom earlier in the week and decided I’d just see how things played out. There was no “burning platform” to break up. No crazy blog-finding (Fox) or police action (HWSNBN) or wives who found out about a relationship (Tony).
I decided to see how the next few weeks went, now that I’m finally relatively physically mobile and we could have more active dates. It had been 5 weeks without any Tony contact and I was working my way through that.
I hated how much the whole thing with Tony consumed my thoughts. Wondering what happened, how she found out, what their decision was (if any), and what was next.
I knew I may never get an answer. I knew the bulk of my interest was intellectual curiosity. Maybe most importantly, I knew that no contact with him was best for me. I wasn’t tortured at the thought of not talking to him regularly.
I was more upset with myself, at the time and emotional effort I’ve spent the last month or two seeing whether I could meet his need for us to remain friends. It wasn’t going to work, I’ve known it for a long time, but I tried anyway. Continue reading →
I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.
I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.
And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do. Continue reading →
I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.
You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.
Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.
It was three weeks ago tomorrow when I broke my leg, and I’ve left my house only twice since. Once to go to a holiday concert at my son’s school (the day after I came home from the hospital; still not sure how I managed), and once to go to my Mom’s for Christmas eve and morning.
It feels like a blur. I can hardly believe it’s been three weeks; it seems like a long weekend. But the hospital stay, after-effects of surgery, taking Oxycontin as a painkiller, and the monotony of laying on my couch every single day and watching TV or movies probably have something to do with that.
I need to get caught up here, because I don’t want to keep taking writing shortcuts. There are things going on in my head which I need to unpack – and sometimes it takes a whole post to do so. But I can’t do that if I haven’t introduced the situations or characters.
I have closed my Bumble and Adult Friend Finder accounts. I’m not taking any new applicants for the time being. I met a couple of men from AFF, two who haven’t made it to the blog were good pre-clearance dates but nothing came of it. One went away for a week’s trip and I never heard from him upon his return. The other I told I wasn’t going to be able to make time for a second date any time soon. Continue reading →
Many months ago, Molly of Molly’s Daily Kiss suggested I get involved in Sinful Sunday. I haven’t been able to get my shit together to make it happen until now. Laying in my bed with Tony last weekend, in the last hour of our final goodbye, he’d fallen asleep with his hand on my breast. I captured that moment.
I still remember vividly the first time he touched me, almost two years ago. The electricity never dimmed and while it brings me to tears to think about these hands never touching me again, I will always have these moments; captured on film, or not.
Click on the lips to see who else is participating.
Update! I added the widget. It makes me smile. Enjoy.
I’ve been thinking about adding a widget to my blog akin to “X days accident-free” signs found in industrial plants. “24 hours Tony-free” – which I would have to update if I contact him or reply to any outreach.
He doesn’t fully realize the nature of my goodbye. Granted, the last time I said goodbye (May 2015) I lasted a mere few months. I don’t blame him. No matter what I’ve said, he thinks we will be “friends”.
I didn’t think it worth my time or emotional energy to challenge his ridiculous and unrealistic beliefs about what would happen next. When he said we could now have play dates with our children, all I said was “oh and how are you going to explain who I am to Mary?” and he said “I will figure something out.”
Some of you recommended a scorched earth policy or an immediate “block and delete” response. But that’s not my style – that’s an exceptional action reserved only for dudes who harass me. Like the weird dude who sent texts like “are you ready to meet yet I’d like to chew on your clit”. Ewww. Or the guy who said “watch your fucking mouth cunt you’ll be sorry”. He’s the one who has been exorcised from this blog.
I haven’t seen Tony since I wrote my last post. He’s asked a few times, and each time I’ve said “no”. Each time he’s said “oh it would be so awesome to see you” or “I really missed seeing you on the weekend” I haven’t replied in kind.