Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.
Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.
But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.
As I wrote yesterday, I find it very challenging to accept that extended periods of silence (as defined by me) do not equate to disinterest.
It goes against almost every other experience I’ve had with men so far, and it’s diametrically opposed to how I operate. I’m an open and enthusiastic communicator. I think nothing of telling a man I’m excited to see him, when I am. If I like you, you’ll know it.
I don’t play it cool very well. But here’s the problem – on the receiving end, how can the man know the difference between appropriate enthusiasm after a second date, and a woman who has gotten far ahead of herself on the relationship path? Continue reading →
In a text conversation with one of my girlfriends recently, I made a comment along the lines of wanting to have someone in my life because it’s simply better that way.
Doesn’t seem like a big revelation, but it did help me understand my nuances and how I can be okay on my own while also hoping to find someone.
Here’s the thing. I see a lot of people who want someone in their life because their self-esteem and security is tied to having a partner. They need external validation. Faraway Lover was like this – he mourned the loss of his marriage and quickly found a replacement. Despite needing reassurances from lots of women, ultimately he needed one person who was always going to be there for him. Continue reading →
My experiences recently seem to have a similar theme – what amount of communication do I expect and how these expectations can get me into trouble.
I’ve had on and off blog conversations about this as I’ve explored various opinions and insights. There are a huge variation of opinions, but most tend to agree on the following:
Constant texting before you’ve met each other is a red flag. Meaning, every day, without much pause, throughout the day and night. Many of us don’t like this even later in a relationship (myself included).
Someone who challenges why you aren’t responding quickly enough is also not a good sign early on (and I don’t mean – “hey haven’t heard from you for three days, everything okay?”)
I have consistently used my non-child weeks for lots of things: working late, going to the gym, going out with friends, dates. Sometimes lots of dates, but not lately.
This week I planned absolutely nothing except a brief after work meeting with two colleagues.
It wasn’t all deliberate – I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance, especially since most of my girlfriends have busy life and work schedule and we all need advance planning, but I have been traveling each of the last three child-free weeks. I had planned things for me and the kid, but not much else. Continue reading →
Sevag (aka HWSNBN – read this to see what I’m talking about) and I agree on a lot. It’s not surprising; the OK Cupid match statistics revealed our “technical” 99% match based on attitudes, beliefs, desires.
One thing he told me (and it was like hearing my own words in someone else’s mouth) was he found online dating addictive. Always wondering what / who else is out there, even when you are communicating with good people. He also told me after meeting me he lost all interest in communicating with anyone else; the first time it’s ever happened for him.
I told him the truth; I had been exclusively reactive since going online, and even then responded to just a few men on the site. Only one other was someone new; the other two were former lovers who wanted to reconnect. Continue reading →
At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range). So what happened after our “good divorce”?
I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.
Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well. Continue reading →
I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.
My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.
It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system. Continue reading →
The next day with Tony was good from a communication perspective. I sent him a good morning boob shot, so really, how bad could it be? There wasn’t a ton of texting which is fine when I’m busy at work. He sent me a sweet text that his pillows smelled like me.
He actually asked about my day. Which I know is not some major fucking accomplishment but he wouldn’t always do that before. (And yes, I know what that sounds like. Hello drop of water to a dehydrated woman).
We had arranged to see each other in the afternoon for an overnight on Friday. He texted he would try to be over there as soon as I’d let him. Which made me smile. Continue reading →