at least lonliness doesn't lead to tattoos

Things I did whilst doing nothing

I have consistently used my non-child weeks for lots of things: working late, going to the gym, going out with friends, dates. Sometimes lots of dates, but not lately.

This week I planned absolutely nothing except a brief after work meeting with two colleagues.

It wasn’t all deliberate – I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance, especially since most of my girlfriends have busy life and work schedule and we all need advance planning, but I have been traveling each of the last three child-free weeks. I had planned things for me and the kid, but not much else. Continue reading

When to focus on just one person & am I on the rebound?

Sevag (aka HWSNBN – read this to see what I’m talking about) and I agree on a lot. It’s not surprising; the OK Cupid match statistics revealed our “technical” 99% match based on attitudes, beliefs, desires.

One thing he told me (and it was like hearing my own words in someone else’s mouth) was he found online dating addictive. Always wondering what / who else is out there, even when you are communicating with good people. He also told me after meeting me he lost all interest in communicating with anyone else; the first time it’s ever happened for him.

I told him the truth; I had been exclusively reactive since going online, and even then responded to just a few men on the site. Only one other was someone new; the other two were former lovers who wanted to reconnect. Continue reading

my lovers and relationships

How to split up friends when you split up.

At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range). So what happened after our “good divorce”?

I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.

Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well.  Continue reading

I'm chillin', but wonder if I'm crazy…is this different?

It’s been three weeks since Tony and I reconnected over dinner.

I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.

My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.

It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system. Continue reading

I backed myself into a corner but got out. I think.

~Previous Post~

The next day with Tony was good from a communication perspective. I sent him a good morning boob shot, so really, how bad could it be? There wasn’t a ton of texting which is fine when I’m busy at work. He sent me a sweet text that his pillows smelled like me.

He actually asked about my day. Which I know is not some major fucking accomplishment but he wouldn’t always do that before. (And yes, I know what that sounds like. Hello drop of water to a dehydrated woman).

We had arranged to see each other in the afternoon for an overnight on Friday. He texted he would try to be over there as soon as I’d let him. Which made me smile.  Continue reading

Back on the Tony ride; trying to walk the tightrope

And yes, I know I’m mixing my ride and show metaphors. But just work with me, k?

~Previous Post~

During the chaos of being sick and Hy & Shenanigans, all I really wanted was for Tony to come over. He was already at home in bed when I finally managed to get my phone from my kitchen, walking by naked couch sex in progress. But he said he’d come over early. I woke up at 5am and unlocked my door, then sent him a text telling him it was open.

It wasn’t until a few hours later that he texted to ask if I was up; I told him I was, but felt like death, and he said he’d bring lattes. I asked him to get four since Hy’s dude was still around. I wasn’t about to tell Tony that Hy’s guy was actually my guy. No need. Continue reading

What does heartbreak feel like?

I feel no searing pain. The pain of heartbreak, which studies have proven feels as real as actual physical pain.

I am not doubled over with grief.

Perhaps it’s because I have Liam this week, work is busy, and two upcoming child-free weekends are going to be filled with girlfriends, but I don’t feel an empty space in my life.

I haven’t cried.

I got close for a brief moment when I thought of how good Fox was to Liam, and how amazingly good to me he was.

I just don’t feel much of anything right now. Continue reading

How do we know if we are ready?

The first night I saw Fox after my vacation return, he told me he’d found himself on the Ashley Madison data dump online.

No, don’t worry, this isn’t another post about the whole debacle. I’m tired of it already. And for what it’s worth: of course nobody should violate your privacy rights, yes some people enjoy the misery of cheaters, yes, some people will look people up they know (not always for nefarious reasons), there are hypocrites in this world, and yes, cheaters should always consider what would happen if they are found out.

Moving on. Continue reading

I think I know how guys feel when a woman wants to pin them down.

Fox and I had our nice overnight sporting event date. That morning we slept in, fooled around, I made us lattes and we drank them in bed. Then he had to leave since Liam was being dropped off by my Mom fairly early.

A few hours after he left, we had the following text exchange: Continue reading

My fifth date with the Fox.

Fox and I had our fifth date a week after my party (not counting it as a date); I had invited him to join me at a sporting event.

Liam was still with me, as Will had taken a 10 day trip with Colleen and her children (it’s a whole other post trying to understand why he didn’t take Liam). He was staying with my Mom overnight so I could go to the game.

Fox met me at our arranged pick up spot, needing some guidance from me on where exactly to be, as he’s not familiar with our city core. It was ever so slightly annoying that the man with built-in GPS who works a five-minute drive from there couldn’t figure it out. Any whiff of helplessness is a massive turn off for me – in men and women. Continue reading