I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.
Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.
Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.
So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading →
I didn’t want to delay meeting Doug (the sailor) because continuing a text and phone relationship before meeting face to face? We all know what can happen.
I’m in a very busy period of work right now, we are in the midst of technical deployments and coming up to a big deadline, so a Friday afternoon which was quiet was a perfect time. I took a half day vacation day and decided to meet Doug at the west end of our city where he docks his boat.
I had it all planned. Leave before my city’s notorious traffic kicked in, spend a couple hours with Doug, drive back into the Center of the city for dinner with a girlfriend at her place, then go home to meet Jake. Continue reading →
Ferns, you’ve got to know I’m thinking of you with every word. And indeed, with some of these decisions I confess to thinking “oh gosh Ferns is gonna kill me from across the planet”.
Ian. Even before the Kyle bail, I’d been thinking about my summer plans and the things I wanted to do. I want some guys to spend time with and I got it in my head that Ian might be fun for some good nights. Other than that weird third date we had great nights together and good conversations. Not the easiest thing for me to find. Continue reading →
I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy. How we build it, and what happens when its destroyed. How we simultaneously can want it, and shrink from it.
It can be fucking terrifying, yet freeing.
Many people were surprised I would spend a weekend away with someone so early in our relationship. I wanted to see what it would be like. What he was like, and what we were like together. It’s hard to be only on your best behavior for four days. And given his early declarations of love for me, I was very keen to suss out whether my gut was wrong: could he actually be needy and in love with love? Continue reading →
I’ve been communicating with Tony this past week. Week one was just a couple of innocuous text messages. I’d been keeping an email in my draft folder to add links and thoughts, which largely kept me from reaching out to him constantly.
I mentioned this in a text – the presence of the email. He asked to read it so before I could edit it, I hit send. He said he would give it a “proper response”. Which was puzzling because it was entirely rhetorical. I had a few thoughts about whether contact with him, even infrequent, would be detrimental. I said at times I wished he’d just get back with Mary so I knew I hadn’t made a mistake.
It’s 8 days since Tony and I broke up. My first 3 days weren’t horrible, with sweating, talking, and a good fuck on Monday night. Tuesday I went out with a girlfriend for drinks and dinner. I was hoping to see the Comedian afterwards but he had to deal with work at the last minute.
Wednesday I had a friend over for dinner. Over sushi and proscecco we talked about life and breakups and the general shittiness of my situation.
Thursday I met a new man for tea. He’d reached out to me on the website for a local swingers club and had been interested in meeting me for a while. He knew about Tony and my hesitance to meet him was primarily because Tony wasn’t ready for any group play, and I didn’t want to vet any new men until that time. Continue reading →
This happens enough that I wonder if there’s some truth to an ability to just “put things out into the universe”. I won’t profess to know either way, but it does make for fun blog posts if nothing else. I can think of at least three past blog posts similar to this one.
Last week, the day I had my morning talk with Tony, I heard from none other than the Comedian. He’d gone silent in the early summer after a string of romantic and sweet messages to me. I figured he had a girlfriend and just couldn’t figure out how to stay in touch as friends. Continue reading →
I’m writing this from the balcony of our hotel room. Ann St. Vincent is in Jamaica with my boyfriend Tony and I don’t regret my choice one bit. More about why in an upcoming post. Apologies in advance for typos or lack of my usual editing.
When Tony first told me about going out for dinner with his wife that night, I was stunned. I was conflicted in wanting to talk about it and also just wanting to get off the phone. My son Liam was in the next room and I wanted to be measured somewhat in my response to Tony.
But he could hear the sobs in my voice, just under the surface, and wanted to talk to me. It’s not worth recounting the entire thirty minute conversation, but he talked about how the guy who inviting him wasn’t someone he told anything personal to, the invitation went to Mary’s house, he cared about me so much, etcetera. I’m NOT for one moment excusing the decision. Continue reading →
And in other news, I’m only starting to feel like myself again. This illness kicked the crap out of me the last week. I’ve seen Tony just once but we’ve talked on the phone every day. I’m not sure my head is in a much better place, in fact I’d still say I’m morose, since he told me yet again he’s not 100% sure he’s not going to go back to his ex. While I don’t want to read into it, it does help explain why he doesn’t like “labels” like “exclusive” or “boyfriend” because those show a commitment he can’t quite make. It definitely helps me explain why I haven’t met his son. Etcetera.
And there’s no vacation set yet. He asked his ex (I’m sure he didn’t say he was going with a GIRLFRIEND) and she wasn’t “all that receptive” to him being gone for five days. So looks like I’m at her mercy in more ways than one. He insists he wants to go away with me. It’s not personal.
I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to think about it. But the record keeps playing in my head.