Expectation management: it’s a thing. Having no or low expectations means they are more likely to be exceeded. Hope is the enemy of expectation management. But what is better? Regular dating disappointment with occasional glimmers of excitement, or never having the pain?
In investing, we talk about risk-reward. High-risk investments are those more likely to provide higher gains. But they could also wipe out your savings. Conversely, advisors will tell you the earlier you can get in the market the better, even with small amounts and low-risk investment vehicles.
Given my experiences this year, I’ve been thinking about the number of dating disasters I’ve had. It occurred to me it could have more to do with the volume of men I’ve met, than consistent bad choices or inherent bad luck. In other words, if I’ve met one hundred men and had twenty crap experiences, it’s not a worse track record than someone who meets ten and has only two to speak of. Continue reading →
“At least I’m self-aware,” I say to my friends. But it’s no excuse, really. I’m conflicted about how to behave in the dating gray area I’m in.
I’m all about intention. Meaning, I care what someone’s intention is with me – their purpose for interacting with me and their end goal. I am dating Bruce (which I think I still call it even though I’ve only seen him once for 45 minutes in 5 weeks, yet talked on the phone almost every day) with the intention of seeing if he’s relationship material. I have told him that.
If I have sex with Lewis, it’s with no intention of developing anything deeper. He is the same. We are aligned and clear on the nature of our “relationship”. Jake and I each know we have fun together but mutually agreed we won’t ever be anything more than sex buddies. We are both cool with that. Continue reading →
Bruce evaporated Friday night. His radio silence was highly unusual. I’ve tried to recreate the mental paths I went down during this time, so my actions are contextualized. My Mom and my friends generally concurred with my analysis and helped me figure out what to do. One friend was convinced he’d ghosted or was lying about being single, but she was the exception. I promised myself if either of those were true, I would take a real break from dating. I was 90% sure he’d lost his phone, but that remaining 10% thought something serious had happened.
Hmm that’s weird he hasn’t texted me yet. He said he was going to sleep early, so not replying last night is feasible. But he always sends good morning texts.
Let me check Whatsapp.
Oh, he hasn’t been online there since last night 6:20pm. Guess he did crash early. Continue reading →
If communication styles between two people aren’t perfectly aligned, as someone highly attuned to it, in the early days of dating it can cause doubts and anxiety until I get comfortable with patterns and see an alignment between words and actions.
Jack was saying all of the right things. He was clear from the start he preferred the more traditional form of dating – just one woman at a time. He explicitly said and wrote I was that woman. He complimented me in his texts about the things he liked about me.
But I’ve been fooled before. I’ve had great first sexual experiences just to have someone disappear. Shit happens. Continue reading →
While I’ve gone through different cycles in dating the past three years – the ebb and flow of excitement and frustration – there’s something inside of me that’s changed.
It’s not just because my dance card is relatively full with casual sex opportunities – while Drew has fallen off the card, there’s still Lewis, and Jake, and presumably Clark although I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. There’s a guy pursuing me again who I saw twice a couple of years ago and things just faded away. There’s another guy who will likely amount to nothing but who popped up again recently.
I’ve been in that situation before, and still felt a yearning to seek a more meaningful relationship, so it’s not that. Continue reading →
I think this might be a record for slowest relationship start – scratch that, since I don’t know if this is the start of anything whatsoever. The magic 8 ball aka my Mother says yes but this has not been an auspicious start.
This is the longest it’s taken me to have four dates with anyone. I don’t count Jake since we stopped after the first.
Dates isn’t even a great term. The first meeting was a pre clearance date. Then a dinner date, then a spontaneous late night discussion on my couch, and most recently, another couch conversation in lieu of what was supposed to be a date.
I own my good behavior. It’s easy to write about the shit I do that I’m proud off. There’s lots of it, usually. Harder is admitting when I do shit that I know it counterproductive or just dumb.
I’ve done some dumb shit, and I own it too.
I know I’ve learned more from my mistakes than my accomplishments. This is true in work as well as my personal life. When I think back to the guys who really fucked me up over the last few years, those are the lessons that helped me get better at dating and survive what can feel like a constant onslaught of rejection and bullshit. Continue reading →
As I wrote yesterday, I find it very challenging to accept that extended periods of silence (as defined by me) do not equate to disinterest.
It goes against almost every other experience I’ve had with men so far, and it’s diametrically opposed to how I operate. I’m an open and enthusiastic communicator. I think nothing of telling a man I’m excited to see him, when I am. If I like you, you’ll know it.
I don’t play it cool very well. But here’s the problem – on the receiving end, how can the man know the difference between appropriate enthusiasm after a second date, and a woman who has gotten far ahead of herself on the relationship path? Continue reading →
I decided to try Bumble again in the midst of relative silence from Ian. Perhaps I judged the app too harshly last time. And I just wanted a distraction. I fully admitted to myself I wanted to seek out someone who captured my fancy and who was worthy of my attention.
My second experience was pretty much the same as the first. Although as if they heard my feedback, they adjusted the app so a man now has to also respond (the first time) within 24 hours. Ghosting is eliminated in the first exchange at least.
So after a couple of texts with a few men, the conversations dwindled. Nothing worth writing about. Continue reading →