I’ve traveled to a new place.

I can’t pinpoint a specific trigger.

This built over over time, piece by piece. Moments of clarity, frustration, solitude, and heartbreak in the last four-and-a-half years have culminated in the place I am today. As someone said to me recently, we are, after all, the result of the good and bad decisions we’ve made.

Regardless how I got here, I’m here. And it’s pretty awesome.

I am, at present, without romantic yearning or expectations.

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Time in the Tony cocoon.

A few of you noted I didn’t mention whether I’d said yes to going away for a couple of nights with Tony.

Of course, I said yes. But maybe not for all the reasons you think. Yes, I knew I would have fun. But I wanted the opportunity to say the things I needed to say – and knew it would be likely I could find the right moment.

I learned something interesting and perhaps sad about my heart – at least as it comes to Tony: it is truly slightly frozen. Maybe because he’s been around in various forms in my life for over two years, and butterflies don’t last. Or maybe it’s because he caused me pain and it’s my reasonable self-protection and practical nature at play.

But regardless the reason, I haven’t lost myself in girlish hope of something with him. Continue reading

ex boyfriend relationship

Tony.

By word count alone, I’ve written the equivalent of two long novels about Tony and me. Probably not a surprise to those of you who suffered through Chapter One and Two. While he may not be a big talker, I seem to never be at a loss for words when it comes to him. It’s romantic tragicomedy at its finest.

A fellow blogger said she let one of her friends read my blog and they didn’t believe it was real life. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this and it makes me wonder what to make of it. Am I that fantastical or unbelievable?

Hy and I talked last night about what’s going on with Tony. While I haven’t been obsessing about things with him, I know it’s important to tread carefully so am giving it some thought. Shocker. Continue reading

funerals and wild women

Funerals and Wild Women.

As predicted, my Friday night also didn’t work out as expected. When the contractor made plans with me, he gave me a heads up that depending on his work schedule it may not pan out. Having dated several contractors, I’m now pretty knowledgeable about their work life restrictions, so didn’t expect to see him.

At least he didn’t ghost this time. A long text arrived early Friday morning that he had to work late that night and all weekend. It was no problem. Ann 2.1 welcomes time to write.

I worked late Friday night and left the office only when my stomach told me I should. Zane once asked when I “got off work” and I had to explain it simply doesn’t happen that way for me. I work until what I need to get done is done, but I also often control the schedule and can choose to leave at 4 pm on a Friday and do the rest over the weekend. But not this Friday.

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Why are people afraid of me?

A brief exchange with a fellow blogger got me thinking about this topic. It’s not about him in particular, but it was the final piece that mentally fell into place for me. Why do we have to be so afraid of articulating our interests and experiences that fall outside of what the world perceives to be mainstream?

I’d long forgotten about being “Freshly Pressed”, that coveted WordPress publicity that says to the blogging world you are not just a good writer, but you say something worth reading.

I remember when I first started blogging I would read those who were Freshly Pressed and notice with longing others who had that badge on their pages. I told myself I wasn’t a writer and would never achieve such a blessing from the blogging powers that be. It didn’t stop me from wanting it, however. It’s taken me a long time to get more comfortable with doing something knowing I won’t be the best at it. Continue reading

tony is getting a divorce

My Tony divorce thoughts

I’m sharing this here to get my thinking straight about Tony’s potential divorce. I have clarity in this moment and am sure someday I will need to come back to this post to ground myself in what I know is right.

First, given what I’ve observed in the past, Tony’s divorce will take forever to happen, assuming it even does. He took six months to fully move back in after they decided he would. He doesn’t do anything quickly.

Of course, Mary is the wild card here. I don’t know, and don’t need to know, how much of this decision is driven by her. I certainly believe the best thing for anyone, in any divorce, is to do it as quickly as possible. But this isn’t my circus and they aren’t my monkeys. Continue reading

I'm no Marilyn, but I will write anyway

Readers, I need your help.

I’ve decided to write my book. Enough people who didn’t want to get into my pants told me I should, so I figured I’d put my fear of failure aside and go for it. What do I really have to lose?

I know nothing about publishing, so I’m asking friends for information and guidance. A successful author said to me, “write the book people want to read, not the one you want to write,” which gave me pause. I’m not sure I know what people want to read.

Which is where I’d like your input.

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the new suitor

Zane is interested; I’m flattered

The attention of a new suitor feels amazing. I also need to be careful, since I’m somewhat… um… delicate at the moment. The volume of dating failures this year has hit me hard and I recognize some nice attention may blind me to yellow or red flags.

My desire for simplicity and focus on the right things hasn’t changed. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m getting back in the dating game. But I remain open to possibility.

No matter what, I am certainly not immune to the attention and flattery of a younger handsome gentleman. Continue reading

second date

The second date with Gregory.

My original plan was to leave work early and have a nap before I showered and got ready. I was recovering from a bad cold and thought it would help. It was supposed to be a relaxing late afternoon.

Work had other ideas. I managed to get home early, but was still sitting in my kitchen on my laptop at 5:45 pm. I’m managing a huge issue on a deal and it’s taking up almost all of my time.

Suddenly I realized I had only 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave to meet Gregory. Yikes!

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first date surprise

Finding more things in common with Gregory.

The morning after my first date with Gregory, I was excited. It was a nice change to have had such a great intellectual and physical connection, with a man who seemed to be on the ball and in contrast to some of my recent experiences, well-balanced. Lots of commonalities to explore.

Even my Mom hadn’t seen any red flags in her internet searches.

I told myself to chill out and take Gregory as he comes. Given what I had been experienced with John, I was keenly aware there is reasonable excitement at potential, versus the crazy-town reaction of expecting everything is going to work out. I was determined to not give any impression I was like John. Because I’m not. I had no idea what potential we actually had.

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