Am I the douchebag?

“At least I’m self-aware,” I say to my friends. But it’s no excuse, really. I’m conflicted about how to behave in the dating gray area I’m in.

I’m all about intention. Meaning, I care what someone’s intention is with me – their purpose for interacting with me and their end goal. I am dating Bruce (which I think I still call it even though I’ve only seen him once for 45 minutes in 5 weeks, yet talked on the phone almost every day) with the intention of seeing if he’s relationship material. I have told him that.

If I have sex with Lewis, it’s with no intention of developing anything deeper. He is the same. We are aligned and clear on the nature of our “relationship”. Jake and I each know we have fun together but mutually agreed we won’t ever be anything more than sex buddies. We are both cool with that. Continue reading

The kind of man Bruce is.

So yeah, I made a mistake and left a voicemail for Bruce on his ex-wife’s machine. I learned a lot about their marriage and separation. I also learned a lot about the kind of man he is. I have always said I don’t really know a man until I see him angry, and under stress, with his friends and how he treats his mother.

I got a few of those knocked off the list pretty early.

How you handle things when you’re angry with someone is very telling. Bruce and I had two conversations about “the incident”. His ex had stormed over the first night, and continued the barrage the next morning when they saw each other during the school drop off. He was really shaken up about the whole thing. Continue reading

Where my brain went when Bruce disappeared

Bruce evaporated Friday night. His radio silence was highly unusual. I’ve tried to recreate the mental paths I went down during this time, so my actions are contextualized. My Mom and my friends generally concurred with my analysis and helped me figure out what to do. One friend was convinced he’d ghosted or was lying about being single, but she was the exception. I promised myself if either of those were true, I would take a real break from dating. I was 90% sure he’d lost his phone, but that remaining 10% thought something serious had happened. 

7am Saturday

Hmm that’s weird he hasn’t texted me yet. He said he was going to sleep early, so not replying last night is feasible. But he always sends good morning texts.

Let me check Whatsapp.

Oh, he hasn’t been online there since last night 6:20pm. Guess he did crash early. Continue reading

Bruce: he of the magic…

Bruce and I had our second date the evening he came back from a vacation with friends and family. Because he didn’t know exactly what the drive would be like, we didn’t have an exact time set.

He kept in touch with me though and I found it quite courteous. He called the moment he had steady cell service – with his kids in the car – to give me an update on the rough time. He also called when he finally got home, and then when he was about 15 minutes away.

Such a stark contrast to Kyle, where I was left wondering whether our dates were still on, hours before they were supposed to occur. 

Bruce and I hadn’t talked about what we were going to do, so the default was dinner somewhere in my neighbourhood. He knocked on my door and didn’t greet me with a kiss.

I wasn’t fussed – he seems ever so slightly awkward in these situations. After all, I had to ask him to kiss me goodbye on our first date. He was super game once I broke the seal, but he seemed rather clueless until then. 

He said as much to me on our first date – that he doesn’t know when women are hitting on him. It’s hard to believe a tall, handsome, and muscular guy doesn’t have good game, but he genuinely seems to not.

Or he’s a player and he knows exactly what playing dumb does to a woman. But that’s a hooded Kermit thought right there.

I offered him a beer and after he checked out my main floor and I poured myself a drink, we sat on my couch and talked. After our second drinks, we decided it was time to go eat – it was already 9:30pm.

whoops! I hit publish instead of “save draft”… so I’m gonna leave this here but I didn’t mean to write a cliffhanger!

Don’t be a hooded Kermit.

Bruce and I have been in steady contact since our first date. He sends good morning and good night texts, and has checked in a few times throughout each day.

He left for a short vacation with his children and some friends, and had very limited cellular service. But he still tried to call me his first night there and because my phone was on silent I missed his call. He then discovered he had data at the cabin so messaged me on WhatsApp. 

One night mid text conversation he video called me. I was in bed with no makeup on and my dark “nerdy girl” glasses. I answered anyway. 

I liked that he seemed to be thinking of me throughout each day. He would sign off with “goodnight beautiful” or “sweet dreams sexy”. 

There was nothing wrong.

He wasn’t making crazy declarations of love or devotion like HWSNBN. He wasn’t overly expressive about our connection or me or anything that would give me reason to think he’s enamoured with having someone, versus enamoured with me. In love with love, as they say.

On our last date he asked me out for the night he came back.

So what is wrong?

Nothing.

But it’s been difficult for me to just be excited and happy about it. My brain, as much as I’m trying to shut it down, cycles through a number of doubts:

Bruce is a tall, athletic man. He can’t possibly be attracted to my curves so as soon as he sees me naked it’s going to be all over. – Yes, I think this. I’m pretty sure is because at some level I wonder if my physicality was what turned Jack off. He had always dated dark haired small women. So yeah, this thought is unusual for me but it’s there in the background. And yes I my pictures are in my profile and he’s seen me up close. The man isn’t blind, but still. 

If I’m his first, first date he surely just is enjoying the attention and he doesn’t really like me for me. He can’t possibly be that into me if I’m the first woman he’s met online. – This is not based on anything he has said or done (or not done), it’s simply a concern based on the situation. It’s too close to comfort to what happened with Jack (I was the first woman he met online). 

Maybe he’s actually a player and he’s lying about his situation. He just wants to fuck me and then he will be gone. – Again I have no actual reason to think this is the case. Just general doubt. I like that he calls me “sexy” and “beautiful” but as much as I appreciate a man who is cool with terms of endearment, I also question whether it’s too early for such things. So naturally then I wonder if I’m being played.

Something is going to go wrong that’s beyond my control. I’m going to like him and find out he’s hiding something or he’s going to be a player or stop texting or something. – Yeah. I know why I’m worried, it has nothing to do with him. I think I’m so hyper aware that trusting and allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable means on occasion I’m going to get fucked over. It happened with Jack and it’s been a while since I’ve been hurt like that. 

I don’t want the doubts whispered in my hooded Kermit brain. I want to be regular Kermit. Because the doubts breed anxiety which trigger behavior which will be contrary to getting what I want. No, I don’t need to ask Bruce endless questions about his relationship with his ex or if he’s talking to others on POF or did he really not meet any other women in the last two years.

I’m going to do my damnest to enjoy our date and see how it goes and focus on whether I think he’s right for me. The more I try to protect myself from hurt, the more I protect myself from love. 

And I really want the right love in my life. 

Oops I did it again. Another first, first date.

I’d hidden my Plenty of Fish profile when Jack asked to be exclusive. When we broke up I wasn’t in a big rush to unhide it again as I had plenty of stuff (aka boys and friends) to keep me occupied. But last week after Ray decided being in different parts of our city was too far for him, I went back to it. I unhid my profile in the hopes of a good first date.

I realized as much as I may say “I’m all done with online dating” or “I’m not going to do what I did before”, it’s at this point less about behavior change (I don’t do as much dumb time-wasting stuff since I’ve been looking for a relationship) and more about mindset.  Continue reading

You can train for Axe, but not for kindness.

Life has been a little hectic the last few weeks. Not just with sex parties and disappointment, but also time with friends and some additional work responsibilities that have made my days far more intense.

I didn’t want to get too behind on writing so I put up two posts about Ray, the one who reached out on FetLife and with whom I had an unconventional but nice first date.

Some of you may have noticed I didn’t talk much about Ray; just how things went down with us. It was deliberate but only so I could get through the date itself. He’s an interesting guy and is yet another man who makes me think through what I want, versus what I actually need, and how the two intersect. Continue reading

group sex

Part 2 of my MFMFM

Previous Post – Group Sex

Lewis was the next to arrive. He said despite waiting for Bobbie at his place, turns out she needed to come separately. She was parking her car.

When she arrived, I could tell she was nervous. She complimented me on my house and I got her a wine glass for the white she brought. I left her in my kitchen with Lewis and Charles and I went to talk to Todd on my balcony. Continue reading

MFMFM group sex

Just another MFMFM

If you told me 5 years ago I would have a night like last night, I would have said you’re insane.

I had anal sex for the first time at 18 (but never again for many years). I had two threesomes by my last year of College. My ex husband was the first to fist me, at 25. So while I’m not sure it’s all that rare (surveys about sex are notoriously unreliable) my point is I wasn’t entirely vanilla before my split.

But this seems to be a whole other level. 

Lewis introduced me to Todd the first time for a threesome. For last night’s adventure, Lewis brought a woman he’s played with twice. Todd invited another male friend, Charles.

Three very tall, very fit, handsome and hung black men. All happened to wear head-to-toe black. There was a lot of muscle and gorgeousness in my kitchen at the same time.

Due to Todd’s delayed flight and Lewis waiting for Bobbie, Charles was the first to arrive. I was completely disarmed by his handsomeness. So much so, I was giddy. I’m usually pretty chill but there was just something about him that set me off-balance. It was similar to when I first met Todd. Charles had a warm smile, an easygoing vibe, and was ridiculously easy on the eyes.

We got drinks and went outside to talk. He asked how I met Clark and Todd. He told me the only reason he said yes to Todd’s invitation was that both he and Clark spoke very highly of me, said I was awesome and had a “great energy”. He was big into that.

I told him I liked his energy too.

I said: “Ummm… before ‘all this’ starts I was hoping to ask if we could, um…”

He interjected “…Can you kiss me?” 

“Ah, no, that’s not what I was going to ask. But I like that idea… erm… I was going to ask if you’d like to see each other again?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

He gave me his business card and I put it on my fridge then went back outside to join him.

“Can I kiss you now?” I asked with a huge smile?

He answered by stepping forward, wrapping his arms around me and leaning in to touch his lips to mine.

And holy hannah, it was electric.

Whatever I had expected – a blunt instrument, for lack of a better term – turned out to be the precision of a Stradivarius. 

It was slow. The moment our lips touched we paused. There was no movement, only delicious anticipation, then an ever so slight increase of pressure. A small movement so more of our lips touched. A sigh. 

I was shocked. This was not the kiss of a guy focused solely on getting laid. 

We broke apart and both said “wow”. I may have giggled and asked to do it again. We did, and it could have been 5 minutes or 20.

“Yo A!” came the shout from my kitchen. It was Todd, making his presence known. Charles and I broke apart again and bounced (literally) into the house to give Todd a kiss.

It had begun.

The world is small, the dating world, smaller.

Two of my friends are freshly separated – less than a year. They are in the midst of negotiating settlements and getting used to their new normal. Both have recently started dating and we have an ongoing three-way text chat to share our highs and lows. And dick pics.

The first friend is looking only for casual sex. She’s on Adult Friend Finder. One guy she met had the same name as someone I went on one date with, perhaps three years ago. It’s not a common name but not rare, either. She shared a picture (as we tend to do) and I didn’t recognize him.

They went on a date a week or so later. She mentioned they went back to his place, where it was located, and that he had some erection trouble. My spidey sense tingled. “Hey, can you share a pic?” I asked, via text. 

Oh good lord.

It was the same guy. The first pic he had sunglasses on but the second was his LinkedIn profile.

The hilarity ensued. I don’t think I wrote about him – if I did it’s buried in a text about dating fails – because as nice as our date was, he was weird when we got back to his place and he wasn’t able to perform. Hence why he’s not on my “men I had sex with” list.

What we both found funny is we are polar opposites in looks – I’m blonde, fair, and curvy, and she is a dark-skinned, lithe athlete. He has good taste, that’s for sure.

They had a rather chill fuck buddy situation for several weeks. She never told him we knew each other lest it freak him out. 

Then yesterday I was hanging out with the other friend. She’d had a good first date with a man named Leo who was from the same country as my Leo. But not the same guy – we checked. I asked her if she had any more dates lined up.

“Not really,” she said, “but there’s another guy from [foreign country] who is there right now but I may see him when he’s back”.

Hmm. Same country as someone I used to date. But that’s common. Still.

“What’s his name?”

“Sevag.”

Ummm. 

“Hey do you have a picture?” 

It was him. He Who Shall Not Be Named. I told her the highlights of our story, which are removed from the blog – the intense first few dates, his third date declaration of love, his stalking my social media which led to his finding my blog, his descent into crazy jealousy, the threats and the police getting involved.

She isn’t going to keep in touch with him. I hated being the bearer of bad news, but she doesn’t like what she now knows he’s capable of.

Oh, and she used to be best friends with Tony’s again-wife, and she’s work friends with Jack’s ex-wife.

I live in a big city and continue to be amazed at how small it seems to be. I suspect this will keep happening.