There’s a chink in the fortress wall

After the intense yet calming overnight with Leo, I could start to feel… well… to be perfectly honest, the sheer fact I felt anything other than frustration or sadness was wonderful.

There are various men whose presence I was graced with this year, and the emotions I associate with my time with them aren’t overwhelmingly good. Tony was certainly comfortable, but unfortunately most of my energy with him was angry or sad.

The reality is, some the new men elicited brief excitement. HWSNBN was exciting at first, then quickly overwhelming, then was all about fear. Continue reading

This is the ultimate sign…#142

“The signs are always there…you just have to be open to seeing them.” – Hyacinth Jones

The great thing about a truthful diary – online or not – is you have a record of the things you experience, you write about the signs, even if you can’t see them in the moment.

22 months.

EXACTLY 22 months, to the day. I met him on the 22nd of December, 2014. I’m not normally superstitious, but there have been some crazy coincidences with numbers in my life the last three years. Phone numbers and important birthdays and addresses and the like.

So I take this as a sign that the timing is right.

Finally. Continue reading

Things I no longer do, and other thoughts.

I got to thinking recently about personal progress. You know, life development, personal growth, progression, all that stuff. One thing about keeping a journal or writing a blog is it’s documented for us to see – if we can actually see the patterns and behaviors and identify how they’ve changed.

It actually makes me wonder whether people who aren’t self-aware keep journals. Is it possible to document your activities and behaviors and feelings and not truly see yourself? Curious.

Anyway.  Continue reading

the distance was too much for Ian

Mr Ambivalent shows some emotion and explains his actions 

Previous Post

I remained confused about Ian’s general ambivalence. He’d sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text but then not much else. The Tuesday morning afterwards I texted “Good morning – you’ve been rather quiet.”

No response.

Later that night, laying on the floor all angry and hurt about Tony, I enjoyed a (brief) moment of levity when not 5 minutes before he showed up, Ian called. I didn’t answer the phone.

Later that night I saw he’d texted “hi” at 10:30 then later, “you have time to chat?”. The next morning when I woke up I texted that I would call him later that day. No “oh sorry I missed you”. Wasn’t feeling it, so didn’t say it. Continue reading

driving to my second date, overnight bag in the trunk

Wherein I start to date long distance

If you are new to the story of Ian, please start with this post.

So Ian and I had our amazing first date, and he left in the very early morning. Just before I crashed into bed, I sent him a thank you text: “Ian thank you for an amazing night. Kissing you was admittedly a highlight. Can’t wait until Friday :)”

He quickly responded “You’re awesome. Thanks for an amazing evening. Looking forward to date 3 :)”

The joke of course was our first date was so long, and went past midnight, it was like we’d been on two dates already. It did feel like that a bit. Continue reading

I was afraid she'd be hotter and younger

Statistically, not every woman can be hotter than me.

I’m going to write about the foursome I just experienced. But I want to first talk about some of the feelings and insecurity I had before it became a reality.

Today, I’m pretty confident both mentally and physically. The physical confidence has been a latecomer. In the last couple of years I’ve begun to embrace my generous ass, lack of thigh gap, and my cellulite.

Okay the latter is a lie – I hate having bumps. Continue reading

A perfect relationship he always wanted

This is the relationship he always wanted.

I was driving this morning from my hotel to the airport to go home. I’m beyond exhausted, due to a late night rendezvous with a former blogger (the second post will come soon).

I love to drive – not in city traffic, but on winding tree-lined highways where I can exceed the speed limit, if there is one. I listen to music and sing along and think.

Despite my addled sleep deprived state, or perhaps because of it, I had a moment of clarity.

Tony finally has the relationship with me he always wanted. Continue reading

Intimacy with friends and lovers

I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy. How we build it, and what happens when its destroyed. How we simultaneously can want it, and shrink from it.

It can be fucking terrifying, yet freeing.

Many people were surprised I would spend a weekend away with someone so early in our relationship. I wanted to see what it would be like. What he was like, and what we were like together. It’s hard to be only on your best behavior for four days. And given his early declarations of love for me, I was very keen to suss out whether my gut was wrong: could he actually be needy and in love with love? Continue reading

Intellectual, physical, and emotional chemistry. 

It’s been two weeks since I met Sevag. Only two weeks, even though we’ve seen each other more than ten times in that time frame. Is that like dog age dating? Each week is like seven? Perhaps. Even so, I’m challenged to explain (to me, to Sevag, and to my friends) how there are some things which just feel so right and so perfect, and others I’m still wary of.

I was at a sporting event with a close friend this week. I told her some of the things he’s told me, like “I’m falling in love with you, Ann”, and at first she, like everyone else, scoffed at the sentiment and his presumed impulsiveness. “Who could say such a thing so soon?” is the common refrain. I didn’t defend him other to say we did have a strong connection and he speaks from the heart.

Then later, I mentioned where he was from. He’s middle eastern, for those who have asked. Continue reading

When to focus on just one person & am I on the rebound?

Sevag (aka HWSNBN – read this to see what I’m talking about) and I agree on a lot. It’s not surprising; the OK Cupid match statistics revealed our “technical” 99% match based on attitudes, beliefs, desires.

One thing he told me (and it was like hearing my own words in someone else’s mouth) was he found online dating addictive. Always wondering what / who else is out there, even when you are communicating with good people. He also told me after meeting me he lost all interest in communicating with anyone else; the first time it’s ever happened for him.

I told him the truth; I had been exclusively reactive since going online, and even then responded to just a few men on the site. Only one other was someone new; the other two were former lovers who wanted to reconnect. Continue reading