dating like teenagers

What are we, 16?

There was the epic makeout session that felt like the long-ago days of being in the basement, listening for parents feet on the stairs so as not to get caught with tongues down throats and hands down pants. The early days of dating can be so much fun.

There is the feeling of not being able to get enough of someone.

I’m not relationship dumb like I was at 16, but it doesn’t mean I’m not acting like a teen at times. Continue reading

Cognitive biases are dangerous in dating.

Confirmation bias: The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.

In other words, once we believe something to be true, we ignore evidence that contradicts said belief and focus on the evidence that does.

This can work in your favor if people think you’re good at your job, or you’re smart, or any other positive attribute. But there are downsides. Once someone has doubts about you, it is incredibly difficult for you to overcome them.

We all have these cognitive biases (there are so many!), and being aware of them is the first step to moving past them. Continue reading

A personal moral compass.

With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.

My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading

When insecurity with one drives me to others.

Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.

He’s just not very… overt with his praise.

I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.

Continue reading

There’s a chink in the fortress wall

After the intense yet calming overnight with Leo, I could start to feel… well… to be perfectly honest, the sheer fact I felt anything other than frustration or sadness was wonderful.

There are various men whose presence I was graced with this year, and the emotions I associate with my time with them aren’t overwhelmingly good. Tony was certainly comfortable, but unfortunately most of my energy with him was angry or sad.

The reality is, some the new men elicited brief excitement. HWSNBN was exciting at first, then quickly overwhelming, then was all about fear. Continue reading

This is the ultimate sign…#142

“The signs are always there…you just have to be open to seeing them.” – Hyacinth Jones

The great thing about a truthful diary – online or not – is you have a record of the things you experience, you write about the signs, even if you can’t see them in the moment.

22 months.

EXACTLY 22 months, to the day. I met him on the 22nd of December, 2014. I’m not normally superstitious, but there have been some crazy coincidences with numbers in my life the last three years. Phone numbers and important birthdays and addresses and the like.

So I take this as a sign that the timing is right.

Finally. Continue reading

Things I no longer do, and other thoughts.

I got to thinking recently about personal progress. You know, life development, personal growth, progression, all that stuff. One thing about keeping a journal or writing a blog is it’s documented for us to see – if we can actually see the patterns and behaviors and identify how they’ve changed.

It actually makes me wonder whether people who aren’t self-aware keep journals. Is it possible to document your activities and behaviors and feelings and not truly see yourself? Curious.

Anyway.  Continue reading

the distance was too much for Ian

Mr Ambivalent shows some emotion and explains his actions 

Previous Post

I remained confused about Ian’s general ambivalence. He’d sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text but then not much else. The Tuesday morning afterwards I texted “Good morning – you’ve been rather quiet.”

No response.

Later that night, laying on the floor all angry and hurt about Tony, I enjoyed a (brief) moment of levity when not 5 minutes before he showed up, Ian called. I didn’t answer the phone.

Later that night I saw he’d texted “hi” at 10:30 then later, “you have time to chat?”. The next morning when I woke up I texted that I would call him later that day. No “oh sorry I missed you”. Wasn’t feeling it, so didn’t say it. Continue reading

driving to my second date, overnight bag in the trunk

Wherein I start to date long distance

If you are new to the story of Ian, please start with this post.

So Ian and I had our amazing first date, and he left in the very early morning. Just before I crashed into bed, I sent him a thank you text: “Ian thank you for an amazing night. Kissing you was admittedly a highlight. Can’t wait until Friday :)”

He quickly responded “You’re awesome. Thanks for an amazing evening. Looking forward to date 3 :)”

The joke of course was our first date was so long, and went past midnight, it was like we’d been on two dates already. It did feel like that a bit. Continue reading

I was afraid she'd be hotter and younger

Statistically, not every woman can be hotter than me.

I’m going to write about the foursome I just experienced. But I want to first talk about some of the feelings and insecurity I had before it became a reality.

Today, I’m pretty confident both mentally and physically. The physical confidence has been a latecomer. In the last couple of years I’ve begun to embrace my generous ass, lack of thigh gap, and my cellulite.

Okay the latter is a lie – I hate having bumps. Continue reading