There’s a chink in the fortress wall

After the intense yet calming overnight with Leo, I could start to feel… well… to be perfectly honest, the sheer fact I felt anything other than frustration or sadness was wonderful.

There are various men whose presence I was graced with this year, and the emotions I associate with my time with them aren’t overwhelmingly good. Tony was certainly comfortable, but unfortunately most of my energy with him was angry or sad.

The reality is, some the new men elicited brief excitement. HWSNBN was exciting at first, then quickly overwhelming, then was all about fear. Continue reading

I got pissed off and shaved his head (2/2)

Part One

Tony and I made plans to see each other the next evening for an overnight. I had to drop my son Liam to Will’s house in late afternoon and had no plans afterwards. Tony was working and with his son for part of the day. He had a shoot on Monday and I had work, but he also had to take his car in for service and his shoot was way closer to my house than his.

So a plan was hatched.

Earlier in the week when he expressed dismay he was going to have to change a car appointment because he had a shoot, I offered mine. I rarely drive during the week so it made no difference to me.

The first time I offered, he said something like “oh no that’s okay”. The second time he raised it, I said I was serious and it was honestly no issue at all for me. Then later he realized it was a good idea and we left it that he would come by my place Sunday night to pick up my car and he would leave from there the next morning.

Continue reading

I got pissed off and shaved his head (1/2)

Tony and I had made tentative plans for him to join me at a friends art gallery where there was an artist opening. But I knew it was unlikely given what he had said the day before.

It was okay, although it would have been nice for him to join me. I had seen him that morning for coffee and a kiss. I was going to go to the show either way. I am getting better about going ahead and making plans that work for me, and if he can fit it, great.

I rushed home from work to get changed. Unable to get a taxi, I ended up driving. Tony sent me a text saying he wasn’t feeling well – stressed and tired – and wasn’t going to join me. We texted back and forth a bit while I was on my way (for what it’s worth, only at stop lights).

I was having a great time. Tony later sent a text saying he was feeling better.

And in hindsight I realize that’s when my mental trouble started: I presumed it meant I would perhaps see him later. Continue reading

When getting no answer is an answer unto itself

So I am writing this with a sleeping Andrew laying right beside me. His back is pressed up against my side, and he is oh so warm. Warm enough to make me uncomfortable under my duvet. I move to get my feet out from under the covers, in an attempt to regulate my temperature.

We had a lovely evening together, even though we are both sick. He gave me this cold, you see, but it hit me harder. He also has an ear infection, so we make a great pair.

He came over at 6pm and had a bit of work to get done. It was fine by me – I would rather have him in my space and working than not here at all. I had some hors d’oeuvres and he snacked and worked and we talked here and there. He would come into the kitchen and kiss me and grab my ass and I told him he was killing me and he said it was no different for him. It was a small thing, but it reassured me that he wanted me too. Continue reading