Some of the experiences I’ve had since my split from Will almost five years ago have helped me understand that relationship better. As you may recall, after falling quickly and deeply in love with him, after we named our first born and I practically moved into his tiny apartment, he broke up with me. Callously.
I didn’t realize it at the time – or couldn’t face it – but after we got back together our relationship was never the same. Perhaps if I’d been more self-aware, I could have fixed it. But I wasn’t, and I didn’t. My core feelings for him, my trust in him, my attraction to him all changed. We went from a lively and exploratory sex life to an almost dead bedroom.
He wounded me more deeply than any other man has. I had fully given him my heart and trust, and months later he told me he “wasn’t feeling it.” Continue reading →
Shockingly, the date Bruce and I planned…happened. Having low expectations is sometimes a wonderful thing. And even though we met, I didn’t expect anything to continue afterward.
I’ve been surprised twice now.
We set a weekday night to meet when he was working in the city and I didn’t have Liam. Given past experience, I fully expected something to happen with his work schedule or children. In the past, sometimes he wouldn’t proactively tell me he needed to cancel – I would check in and he’d tell me he was already on his way home, having to now drive a colleague or some other thing.
A brief exchange with a fellow blogger got me thinking about this topic. It’s not about him in particular, but it was the final piece that mentally fell into place for me. Why do we have to be so afraid of articulating our interests and experiences that fall outside of what the world perceives to be mainstream?
I’d long forgotten about being “Freshly Pressed”, that coveted WordPress publicity that says to the blogging world you are not just a good writer, but you say something worth reading.
I remember when I first started blogging I would read those who were Freshly Pressed and notice with longing others who had that badge on their pages. I told myself I wasn’t a writer and would never achieve such a blessing from the blogging powers that be. It didn’t stop me from wanting it, however. It’s taken me a long time to get more comfortable with doing something knowing I won’t be the best at it. Continue reading →
I’m sharing this here to get my thinking straight about Tony’s potential divorce. I have clarity in this moment and am sure someday I will need to come back to this post to ground myself in what I know is right.
First, given what I’ve observed in the past, Tony’s divorce will take forever to happen, assuming it even does. He took six months to fully move back in after they decided he would. He doesn’t do anything quickly.
Of course, Mary is the wild card here. I don’t know, and don’t need to know, how much of this decision is driven by her. I certainly believe the best thing for anyone, in any divorce, is to do it as quickly as possible. But this isn’t my circus and they aren’t my monkeys. Continue reading →
It was Wednesday, and John did a decent job during the day of chilling out. He sent only a few texts about Friday’s plans. He said he was going to bring food, his guitar, and his favorite movie and I wouldn’t have to do a thing. It sounded pretty good.
He’d asked again whether he could come over that night, and I’d said I needed a quiet night. While it was true, it was also because I wanted – needed – to create some space between the two of us in the hopes he’d relax about things. I told him I’d chalked up the previous day’s texting debacle to temporary insanity.
I was putting Liam to bed and noticed a series of texts come in. John said “Fuck it I’m coming over to see you. I’ll just hop in the shower first.” Continue reading →
I find the dynamics of group sex fascinating, especially when some of the participants have ongoing “relationships”.
Lewis continues to be an excellent source of hot lovers. I’ve never really known men like him – he genuinely seems to have zero jealousy or possessiveness. Granted, while he and I have some level of affection for each other, it is 90% a sexual relationship.
But even then, in the same conditions – regular lovers over a two year period – I know few men who would willingly and continually share someone when that sharing is quite literally in their face.
So, Jack broke up with me. It’s been a pretty rare occurrence in the past four years, which I suppose makes me lucky. Not that I haven’t been heartbroken, but I usually do the ending it.
I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I hadn’t fallen in love, and I appreciated Jack’s honesty and reasonably early recognition that he wasn’t emotionally ready for any form of relationship. On the other hand, I really liked Jack and saw potential with him, and am frustrated with how things played out.
Of course, I do wonder if he will come to a later conclusion that I also wasn’t the right person for him. I still don’t know if readiness can be forced, or overlooked, for the right person. Continue reading →
There was the epic makeout session that felt like the long-ago days of being in the basement, listening for parents feet on the stairs so as not to get caught with tongues down throats and hands down pants. The early days of dating can be so much fun.
Confirmation bias: The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
In other words, once we believe something to be true, we ignore evidence that contradicts said belief and focus on the evidence that does.
This can work in your favor if people think you’re good at your job, or you’re smart, or any other positive attribute. But there are downsides. Once someone has doubts about you, it is incredibly difficult for you to overcome them.
With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.
Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.
My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading →