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Yesterday morning while taking transit to that “civic duty” I mentioned before, listening to my music on shuffle, a Sam Cooke song came on and instantly transported me back to a hotel room in a different city where I learned my then-lover, the hard core sports player, potty mouthed, such a guys guy, loved that kind of music. Of course we were in bed having passionate and endless sex at the time so the memory is a pretty strong one. I wrote about our first kiss already but haven’t managed to write everything else down from our amazing and tortuous seven month long affair. In good time. But I was a bit surprised at the intensity of the emotion I felt and how melancholy it made me at the thought of not being able to be with him anymore. He’s thousands of miles away. And ironically, now also newly single.
I refer of course to the expression relating to affairs and sex with co-workers, don’t shit where you eat. Although when preparing to write this, I realize I’ve been involved with four men who work for the same company. But since this company is so large, I’ve only broken the rule once with someone in really close proximity (the fooling around with a co-worker while still married dude).
My second dalliance I should definitely write more about – he lived a several-hour-plane-ride-away and we fell in love. after falling in lust. It was heady and exciting and I think about him as being responsible for my sexual awakening. We are both now split from our exes but it’s just not meant to be.
I’ll skip the third – not because he’s not worth writing about but because I want to get to the recent.
About a month ago, we had a huge party at a hotel to celebrate a milestone at work. People came from cities within a couple of hour radius. About 700 people in total.
A female colleague and I were milling about the party, drinking our wine and enjoying the food. In walks this guy who we both notice at once. Tall, extraordinarily handsome, shaved head, built, well dressed, exuding confidence. She says “where the fuck has he been all this time” since neither of us have ever seen him before. Now, she’s married and I’m not, so I have dibs. I do a subtle (well, an attempt to be subtle) walk around to try to see his name tag. Nope, we’ve never heard of him.
My Mom’s family all lives in a different country. One they’ve lived in for a really long time. She met my Dad in Moscow when they were both traveling in the mid-1960s. They lived in different countries, yet managed to court one another from a long distance, and eventually my Mom moved to my Dad’s country.
All that to say, I grew up doing a lot of road trips. I’m on one right now, with my Mom, Step-Dad, and son, and we are visiting family. On the drive down, I realized that we did this same trip a year ago, also on Easter weekend. Quite a lot has changed since then.
A year ago, I was in the middle of a tumultuous affair, unhappy at home, traveling every week to a different country for work, and missing quality time with my son. It was a difficult time. Continue reading
A question was posed on another blog late last night, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since the implied situation resonated so strongly with what I went through. Instead of responding as a comment I decided to write a post of my own, since it could be lengthy and I haven’t really tackled this topic before.
What should be expected when you are already in a deceitful relationship? Honor among thieves, as it were?
I can only speak from my own experience. As many of you know, when I first embarked on a relationship outside my marriage, it was with my husband’s explicit consent. But while we agreed to an open marriage, it was a total don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. So yes, not quite “open”. But I have no better descriptor for it. I had told him that while he said I could be with others, I didn’t feel the same. Hypocritical? Sure. But at the time of the discussion, I couldn’t really see myself acting on what I had permission to do.
A year ago today. Exactly.
My misery had been escalating for months. Experiencing Faraway Lover and making new friends and a lot of reflection made it impossible for me to ignore what I had known for many years. I was fundamentally unhappy in my marriage.
I had been talking to a very close friend about wanting to end my marriage. But I was stuck on the next steps. I like to plan things and I couldn’t figure out what I would do. What kind of response I would get from my husband. Would I be okay. Would my son be okay. Guilt about knowing that most things were fine. But at my core, in my heart, I knew there should be more. I knew I was unhappy and I was pretty sure my husband was as well.
Of course on the surface everything looked fine. We were always good friends.
Last year today, laying in bed side by side, he on his iPad and me reading, he looked over and basically said:
“I think we are done here. Do you agree?” Continue reading