Thinking about Bruce.

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It’s become clear Bruce isn’t ready for the practical realities of dating. He thought he was. He’d taken almost two years before he took the online dating plunge: he said he wasn’t ready before that. I believe him. At his core, I think he’s a good man.

He’s not a Jack, telling women he pursues what they want to hear. He’s no Tony, emotionally incapable of truly leaving his marriage.

He’s Bruce.

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Bruce needs to get his shit together.

I’ve been home from my trip for almost three weeks. In that time, I’ve seen Bruce for a grand total of one hour, on a day I rearranged my schedule to work from home in the morning so he could stop by my place between job sites. It wasn’t quality time; he’d eaten something that didn’t agree with him so was sick to his stomach. We had sex which lasted eight minutes.

That’s it.

One hour in three weeks. A grand total of three in-person meetings in the two months since I met him. One after-work drink, one dinner, and a morning quickie.  Continue reading

Welcome to the shit show.

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I hated how much the whole thing with Tony consumed my thoughts. Wondering what happened, how she found out, what their decision was (if any), and what was next.

I knew I may never get an answer. I knew the bulk of my interest was intellectual curiosity. Maybe most importantly, I knew that no contact with him was best for me. I wasn’t tortured at the thought of not talking to him regularly.

I was more upset with myself, at the time and emotional effort I’ve spent the last month or two seeing whether I could meet his need for us to remain friends. It wasn’t going to work, I’ve known it for a long time, but I tried anyway.  Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED, part 2

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Tony and I have had two short conversations about his again-wife finding out about us (side note: yes, she’s his wife, again. I’m honestly afraid if I just call her his “wife” I’m going to get trolled like crazy, and the truth is they were separated when I met him).

In the first discussion, he told me she’d found out about Jamaica. I was confused because it seemed an odd “discovery” at this time, 14 months ago after we went. I asked how it was possible that us seeing each other after the sports game could possibly have led to that.

He was vague. He said “Ann, I don’t want to relive it again right now. There was a lot of screaming and crying.” Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED

I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.

I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.

And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do. Continue reading

Goodbye and Closure?

A final goodbye?

Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.

I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.

Wait, that’s not quite right either. Continue reading

Relationship past its expiry

The danger of continuing a relationship past its expiry

I haven’t written about Tony in a while, and it’s been deliberate: there’s not much to say. But I’ll say some things anyway.

He still hasn’t moved back in with his wife (I’m going to drop the “ex” because really, what’s the point). He still hasn’t put notice on his apartment. He’s still not sleeping there on a regular basis – a few times at most. He’s still not having sex with her.

And before you roll your eyes on the latter – they aren’t. They didn’t before. Like my marriage, it was essentially sexless. But ultimately it doesn’t matter because he’s on a path to going back to his marriage; that’s the intention he’s set. Continue reading

i didn't hesitate to tell Tony all my grievances

The wrath of Ann

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I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.

I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.

But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading

tony told me the truth and I hated it

Being angry via text

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Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.

I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.

At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”.  Nothing.

I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.

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Tony lied about being with his ex wife

When doubt turns to certainty

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I may not have the flow of this conversation exactly right, but you’ll get the drift. One of these days I will get smart and record them in all of their glory.

Tony told me his Mother is very sick and he found out right before he left on his trip.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do.”

“Thanks Ann.”

I was torn between my gut telling me he been lying and god-knows-what telling me that kind of lying – to me! – was impossible. So I asked some questions to try to get a sense of the truth: Continue reading