I’m angry for me, and the sisterhood.

Previous Post | I was so angry I was shaking. I sent Jack a text that said “You’re back on POF? Wow.” Not surprisingly, he didn’t reply.

I tried to call him twice – once right after my text. and then at night. I’d looked at POF again and saw he’d been active again just a few hours prior. So he had time to be on the site but not reply. Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me

Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me back please. This isn’t the time to play fucking games with me.” I knew he used non-responses as control and I was having none of it.

The next morning I woke up to a text he’d sent past midnight saying he’d just gotten home after a long drive and he would call me tomorrow. Continue reading

plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading

my lovers and relationships

How to split up friends when you split up.

At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range). So what happened after our “good divorce”?

I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.

Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well.  Continue reading

Trying so damn hard to say goodbye to each other (FL 8)

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Getting Tony to step off the emotional curb.

Yesterday I wrote about Tony and how it feels foolish for me to go back into a relationship with him when he’s not willing to step off the emotional curb with me.

That, my friends, is the core of the issue.

I can talk about whether he loves me – I think he does, even thought he can’t articulate it.

I can discuss whether he will make progress in being more communicative. Yes, I’m sure over time this can happen, as I’ve had glimmers of hope. Continue reading

I have an answer to one of my unknowns.

As I wrote recently, I currently have three big unknowns in my life, causing considerable stress.  Late Tuesday night, one of the three were resolved.

I was at my friends country place. My phone was connected to the stereo system to listen to music; as such, I didn’t check my email or text messages until I went to bed.

I had a text from Will: “Can you call me?” Continue reading

It’s no wonder I’m stressed.

I’ve been craving bad food for weeks now and am back to my daily drinking. Before anyone worries excessively about my alcohol consumption, I will be specific. Prior to getting sick in the Fall, I had a glass of wine or two each night. I wouldn’t drink to get drunk but certainly felt the effects.

Being sick ended that. I didn’t feel like it and I also realized it wasn’t the healthiest habit.  A drink a day is fine but I definitely exceeded that on a regular basis.

However I realized in recent weeks I’m back to my old habits. In addition, I’ve been craving sweets (normally just a once a month thing) and bad food in general. And giving in to those cravings. Continue reading

I’m convincing myself the love is due to Oxytocin

It’s just the sex chemicals, I keep telling myself.

Tony and I had a perfect date on Saturday, including sex that left me truly satisfied for the first time ever with him. Sex that was rough and tender at varying times.

At one point, looking into the eyes staring intently down at me, before I even was aware of it “he’s picked me” popped into my head. I immediately chastised myself for such a ridiculous thought.

But he was fully present and focused on me. He gave me his mind and his body. He had chosen me, at least then. Continue reading

When is a relationship over? And why do I have to think about all this sh*t again?

I had a post in draft format prior to my date with Tony on Wednesday. It thanked everyone for their great advice and laid out a plan of what I was going to address (the ED) and how I was thinking about the other discussion I wanted to have.

At one point I said:

And the whole choice verses default thing I’m struggling with so much right now? 

I can’t push for an answer. He’s told me what he can. Which is he doesn’t want to date others, he likes what we have going, and he thinks we are doing well. His actions reinforce this. I know he likes me. Do I want to know more? Yes. Will he have an answer different from a few weeks ago? Probably not.

My core dilemma is this: 

How do I not let him “set the pace of everything” as one in my sisterhood wrote recently? How do I find the balance between chilling the hell out and being true to my actual needs and wants? When is talking myself out of those needs too much?

How do I make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again? 

There is no easy answer. No script. Even if I script my actions and words, I don’t know Tony’s.

Continue reading

Well, that was unexpected:  Tony has a big reveal.

I took Tony to his first symphony last night. With a meeting cancelled at the last minute, I met him early at a local pub to watch a sporting event. He’d never seen me in work wear before and when I strolled in with skirt suit and 3.5″ heels, he commented on how good I looked.  As usual he smelled amazing and gave me the best appreciative looks and I soaked it all in. I was only one of two women patrons in the entire bar.

We watched the game and he taught me some rules and we had a couple of drinks and in between plays we chatted. He thinks I’m good luck for his team and I teased appropriately for this opinion (of course I also joked that two years now he would be saying “omg she drives me insane but she’s good for the team”).

The guy sitting next to us at the bar looked like a corporate version of Ariel. It was disconcerting and I had to look really closely to make sure it wasn’t him. He so pathetically flirted with the female bartender when he sat down, but that’s a whole other post. Continue reading