I slept terribly the last few nights. Normally I’m asleep not five minutes after my head hits the pillow, and I sleep through the night. Issues with relationships fill my mind.
Last night I woke up multiple times. My head was spinning. I’m cycling through so many emotions. Being familiar with the change curve intellectually only helps me to recognize what I’m going through. It doesn’t make going through it any easier.
I think y’all have figured out I have a big brain so I won’t be modest in this moment. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have the capacity to think the way I do. It’s not always a blessing. Continue reading →
Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.
He’s just not very… overt with his praise.
I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.
Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.
I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.
My wise friend Hy and I were chatting recently about Tony and with just a few texts, she left me pondering how I can best move forward with him the way I desire.
Things are really good with him. I feel way more pleasure than pain. I know part of this is me adjusting my mindset, and part of this is him being more available. Regardless of the cause, it feels good.
Yesterday he proactively asked me to come over in the afternoon, after I dropped a visiting girlfriend at the airport. He hadn’t been able to see me all weekend. We had a few hours together before I had to be home for Liam.
We had a marathon sex session on his couch, American football playing on his mammoth television; a sexual fantasy come true. While I rode him, he told me he wanted to go somewhere warm with me, where we could have loads of sex. He wants to see his cum all over me. Continue reading →
A week ago, I told Fox I needed space and time to think. At the time, I told him he’d forced my hand: had he not freaked out, I would have been relaxing into our relationship, giving it time, and sorting my head out.
But since he broke up with me, betrayed my trust, and said some pretty shitty things in the process, I wasn’t about to get back together when I was unsure.
I told him that last week in our long phone call. I don’t want to get back together with him just to continue to have doubts, and then break up with him. If I’m going to take him back, then I need to know I’m choosing him, every single day. Continue reading →
First of all, thank you to all of you who have reached out to me offline to see how I’m doing. It’s been a rough 10 days and I appreciate all of the support. It’s been especially amazing to hear from those of you who don’t comment normally; maybe I should password protect posts more often!
All of the breakup conversation had happened via text; hence the whole story (other than my internal dialogue) can be told in those four posts.
The only exception was a brief and crackly voicemail Fox left me on Sunday afternoon which said (as far as I could tell) “Ann, I love you…I’m so sorry.”
I told him I needed time to think, but on Monday midday he texted to ask if there was “any point to talking and meeting”. I said: Continue reading →
For the breakup prelude and texts, start with this post.
This is the final post on this for the moment. It’s weird to post five things in one day but there’s no point in making anyone wait for any of this.
My Mom sat with me until mid day on Saturday. I had long-standing plans to go out with some girlfriends; the timing couldn’t have been better.
So I stopped texting for the most part, but found his change of tone rather unsettling.
By now you’ve probably read how the texting ended. I still haven’t responded back and am thinking through what to do. That’s actually not entirely true; I know what I need to do but am getting my head around it.
My Mom sent me an email about Fox and our relationship which I found pretty insightful. Thought I’d use her words instead of mine, for a change. Continue reading →