Sorry Ann, I need to get my shit together.

Bruce’s eventual response to my text suggesting he stay overnight to avoid having to drive back and forth tonight:

Ann

I don’t know how to say this … so I’m just gonna say it 

I can’t see anyone right now 

I’m too stressed 

I need to get my life together before I add people to it.

I am depressed … anxious… don’t feel like being around anyone right now. 

Sorry Ann

I need to get my shit together

Sigh. Continue reading

A death in the friend family.

He was a friend, admirer, and protector. Never a lover. He was like the older brother I never had. 

A decade-plus older with way more work experience, he was one of the first colleagues to help me understand how good of a leader I actually am. He was crusty and opinionated but looked up to me. As an independent contractor he could work with anyone, and he chose to work for me. I was humbled by his praise.

I was blessed by his presence in my life.

During one of the projects we worked together on he took a pastry course. We all looked forward to Wednesday mornings when the treats would arrive. Never fully satisfied with his work, he rebuffed our compliments, said through stuffed mouths. He always showed up on time to my parties. He was single the whole time I knew him and at first I assumed he was gay. Turned out after his last long-term relationship he’d tired of trying, and spent his time doting on his nieces and nephews. But he always had relationship advice for me.

He was the one who called me the day after my party, where HWSNBN lost his shit, to make sure I was okay. He made me promise to end it and offered to do anything I needed to keep me safe.

At my party, HWSNBN had told him to “fuck off” after he made a nice comment about my legs. Blind with jealousy, HWSNBN couldn’t see the friendship and teasing behind the comment. And his anger at my friend helped cement his demise. No asshole was going to come between me and the people I choose to surround myself with.

The last time I saw him he sat in one of my comfy chairs, joked about my cast, then quietly disclosed his recent absence from my life was due to depression, not a physical illness as I’d feared. He was starting to realize it was okay to share, but knew his pride and stubborn nature got in the way. 

We promised to see each other soon.

That was February. 

And now I mourn the loss. His death was sudden and unexpected, and a reminder to try to live every day as if it was not only my last day, but my friends and family’s as well.

Coming back to life.

There’s been enough drama with Leo that I haven’t written about my injury and recovery lately.

The combination of a broken bone and extensive ligament damage means it’s been a long haul. Over two months in a non weight-bearing cast, then a month in a walking boot. I have a plate and several screws in my leg and I have a beautiful 5″ scar on the outside of my ankle.

I still walk with pain and with a limp, and because of that limp I have pain in my tailbone, which fucking sucks. My ankle and foot remain swollen and it could be the same for many more months. I’ve just been diagnosed with needing two months of physiotherapy, 3-5 times a week. How I’m going to find time for that I have no idea. Continue reading

plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading

Fully integrating into each other’s lives.

“As a relationship progresses you hit milestones.

The last couple of days I feel we hit several. Maria staying at you place alone; me going to your Mothers birthday; chilling playing a board game with Liam.

This weekend to me is a HUGE bridge we are going to cross. Going to your friends country house; me staying overnight with Liam there.

We are becoming a fully integrated couple (if we aren’t already).

I know you asked me to stay over last night with Liam there. I said “no” because of clothes and Maria.

Before this weekend happens, I want you to be certain I am what you want; what you are looking for in a relationship.  Continue reading

OH COME ON, life. Cut me some f*cking slack.

Health issues, divorce, change in child arrangements, job loss, relationship challenges, and now…

…dealing with parental financial issues.

Really? Haven’t I proven a high degree already of change resilience?

Long story short, my Mother and Step-Father were well set up for retirement a decade ago, having sold their business, paid off their mortgage, and living simply with a focus on experiences, including travel.

Then the 2008 financial crises happened, and my Step-Dad, who managed their investments, managed to lose ALL of their savings. Literally. All. Of. Their. Savings. Okay, well, perhaps they had $30,000 left.  Continue reading

Just another maudlin Monday

The light of my life returned to the house yesterday before dinner. He wanted to play on his iPad and all I wanted to do was drink up his delicious almost-seven-awesomeness. We managed a decent balance of both.

I recognize depression and sadness in me. It doesn’t happen very often, but I suppose it’s quite normal for it to occur every once in a while. I didn’t leave the house from my arrival on Saturday afternoon until Liam and I walked to get groceries for yesterday’s dinner. At least I managed to shower. I am profoundly sad. I know it will pass.

I exchanged perhaps 4 text messages with Tony in the last 48 hours. He had his child all weekend. Thursday’s invitation is still out there – I suppose I will hear from him at some point today to tell me if he can go. It’s hard to have a serious relationship conversation with someone when they don’t contact you. Continue reading

Saturday melancholy.

Yup, while I’m working on thinking about what I’m thankful for this week, right now I just feel…a whole lot of nothing.

Good things:

  • The morning I chose to go to work a bit late, so instead of jumping out of bed first thing, cuddling with my son and reading a book together.
  • Laughing until I cried with one of my employees, about something I can’t even remember anymore.
  • Giving an amazing presentation on the strategy for my new department.
  • Being told I was “smart and hot”.
  • Enjoying the delight and anticipation a friend is feeling about a potential new lover.
  • Reaching 500 followers on this here blog.
  • Having a few close friends proactively reach out to make sure I am okay.
  • Hanging out in the schoolyard on Friday with other parents while my son was at a sports practice, and getting the guts up to ask a fellow single parent whether he contacted my friend Katharine after they hooked up (yes, I knew he didn’t…and I enjoyed on her behalf listening to him try to explain why).
  • Thinking my furnace was broken, but it’s producing heat at the moment. Okay, that’s perhaps a stretch, but not adding to my list of things to do is a really good thing.

Continue reading

The burden of weight and emotions

For the last two years, everything in my closet has fit or been too big.

I’ve kept the local tailor solvent by bringing so many things to be taken in or altered. It has felt great. Of course the extra 7 lbs I lost a year ago when I had food poisoning was an added bonus.

I joked that the weight gain was lack of sex. It was also most certainly a reduction of the hours I spent in the gym. Whatever it was, I gained that 7 back. No biggie…I knew when my routine returned it would come back off.

But going off the pill has been the tipping point. Continue reading