Leo and I booked a date after our big talk. A full-on dinner and activity weekend date. I was cautiously optimistic.
It was going to be a beautiful day so at the last minute we modified our plans. He came to my house just after lunch and we planned to do a day trip to a nearby wine region, visit some of the quaint towns in the area, and have dinner. If anything was going to be an issue, it wasn’t going to be our itinerary!
Tuesday night I went out with some female colleagues after work. One of them is a friend and I’m also her client. There’s a high end restaurant at the base of my office tower, it’s her favorite and she always pays (client appreciation yay!!) so we go there.
We eat a lot of great food, drink cocktails, and multiple bottles of wine. While I got home by 10pm, I was pretty drunk. Keep it together drunk, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any work or drive a car.
My brain still didn’t shut down. Perhaps this happens to everyone, but when I’m trying to move past something the thoughts just seem to circle endlessly. The rejection of Kyle, saying goodbye to Tony, what the fuck I was doing back on OK Cupid, was I fooling myself about what I was doing. You know, typical pre-bed thoughts. Continue reading →
This past weekend, I went away – alone. I had an extra day off and no plans. My friends were all busy. Even if I wanted to use Tony as a crutch, he was away for work. And since Kyle hardly texts let alone declare his love for me on our second date (cough, cough), we aren’t remotely close to the “go away together” stage yet.
Given all the drama I’ve experienced in the last couple of months plus the work stress I’m under, I really wanted to get away.
I booked a train trip. Two nights at a hotel with a king bed and crisp white sheets. A dinner each night with one of my closest friends and her family. A day at a spa – the kind with steam rooms, saunas, hot tubs, cold water springs, fireplaces, and hammocks. A 90 minute massage with Jonathan. A facial the next day.
I decided to try Bumble again in the midst of relative silence from Ian. Perhaps I judged the app too harshly last time. And I just wanted a distraction. I fully admitted to myself I wanted to seek out someone who captured my fancy and who was worthy of my attention.
My second experience was pretty much the same as the first. Although as if they heard my feedback, they adjusted the app so a man now has to also respond (the first time) within 24 hours. Ghosting is eliminated in the first exchange at least.
So after a couple of texts with a few men, the conversations dwindled. Nothing worth writing about. Continue reading →
I remained confused about Ian’s general ambivalence. He’d sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text but then not much else. The Tuesday morning afterwards I texted “Good morning – you’ve been rather quiet.”
Later that night, laying on the floor all angry and hurt about Tony, I enjoyed a (brief) moment of levity when not 5 minutes before he showed up, Ian called. I didn’t answer the phone.
Later that night I saw he’d texted “hi” at 10:30 then later, “you have time to chat?”. The next morning when I woke up I texted that I would call him later that day. No “oh sorry I missed you”. Wasn’t feeling it, so didn’t say it. Continue reading →
For the first time ever, Tony told me he loved me. Despite some of you thinking it was manipulative, it seemed to me to be said more from surprise and compassion. I’d suspected for a long time he did love me, but it was wonderful to finally hear it.
Even if it was too late, and wouldn’t change a thing.
I punched him in the chest and say “you ass, why didn’t you ever tell me that before?”
He just looked at me blankly and said “I dunno Ann. Because I’m a guy? But I do love you.”
I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.
I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.
But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case. Continue reading →
Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.
I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.
At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”. Nothing.
I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.
I may not have the flow of this conversation exactly right, but you’ll get the drift. One of these days I will get smart and record them in all of their glory.
Tony told me his Mother is very sick and he found out right before he left on his trip.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do.”
I was torn between my gut telling me he been lying and god-knows-what telling me that kind of lying – to me! – was impossible. So I asked some questions to try to get a sense of the truth: Continue reading →