Three quick things

My gut was more right than I thought. Those days away for “work” when he could mysteriously not talk to me? Tony was on vacation with his “ex” wife and child. 

Pretty sure the only reason he confessed was because I called him on his bullshit.

In theory I may see him tonight so he can tell me all this to my face. 

::

I’ve not heard from Ian since the Happy Mother’s Day text.

::

I went on another first date. Coffee, within 48 hours of first contact. He’s communicative. Very tall – 6’8″. Real job. Confirmed our second date as we said goodbye. Kiss on the cheek. 

Can honestly say if not for the latter I would be even deeper in a spiral of anger.

Shenanigans returns and curiosity gets the better of me.

Some of you may remember the man I call Shenanigans. You can start his story here if you haven’t read it before.

I sum him up on my lovers page thusly: 30 year-old super tall, super hot, great cock, great sex, total shenanigans trying to meet and communicate with him. Complete selfish asshole who made me question every time whether it was worth it. Our relationship ended with him texting me “blow me” in anger, not passion. But he keeps coming back for a chat.

The last time I saw him was in December 2014, right before I met Tony. It was the first time I’d seen him in 10 months; we had dinner and I let him cum on my face. (I find it funny that the post gets found regularly by people searching the internet for cumming on a woman’s face. Nice.)

I never spoke to him after that date, nor did I particularly care to. He texted me a few times in the past nine months but it rarely amounted to anything remotely interesting enough for this blog.

Until last week.

Continue reading

A small thing which I find exceedingly annoying (Shenanigans)

Last night I was at a friend’s house – we had a playdate with our children including dinner and watching part of the Oscars.

We caught up on life, work, her dating updates, the delight of the beginning state of my relationship with Tony, and the insanity of Will’s potential job change. She kept asking (rhetorically) when Will’s mid-life crisis was going to end.

As we watched all the ridiculously beautiful and thin actresses on the red carpet, she mentioned that a few of my “former guys” had reached out to her on the dating sites. She occasionally checks in with me to see if I know the guys that are reaching out to her. Continue reading

There are no words. Except these.

At least this makes for good blog fodder. An opening message on FetLife:

hi there 🙂
i see your profile says you’re a hedonist, but maybe (hopefully) you’ll laugh at this idea?
just wondering if you think you and a gf or 2 of yours would have fun if i got naked and on my knees in front of you all and beat-off furiously for a few hours and just be your entertainment while you all sit back, fully dressed of course, and laugh your asses off for a “girls night” of hilarious fun?
and definitely feel free to grab me by the balls and have lots of fun teasing and laughing at me as well 🙂
im white,6ft1tall, brown hair, in pretty good shape

And this exchange with a 28 year-old. Which makes me feel kinda dirty. And not in a good way: Continue reading

I'm a one-woman reality show | Choose my next adventure

By now you probably know I’m back on a couple of online dating sites. Most of my time there is spent deleting messages. I have not proactively reached out to anyone. There are a handful of men I have responded to, but nobody I’ve found worthy of a date as yet, who has also asked me out.

Below is the VERBATIM exchange I had over the last few days with one dude on OK Cupid. I am not going to tell you what I think (which I have to say is VERY hard to do)…but I’d love to hear what you think. His messages are in Bold Italics and mine are plain font.

And before you read this and decide to lecture me, this is the MOST I have engaged with anyone at all on this site. I responded because my first thought was he was a catfish. Or just insane. So I was interested to see where he was trying to take the conversation. And I’m usually not so pointed in my responses unless I’m really irritated.


Your profile is more interesting than the average woman profile that I see on this site… Usually there is so much crass self-promotion. I found yours most unusually original. It is rare to find intelligence and wit in this particular forum.

 You sound like you might be more than just an interesting profile (which is refreshing). 

Beside…you have posted some very interesting and attractive photos here…no eyes or nose at the wrong spot…that’s unique, a rare combination of beauty and innocence!

 Do they come with an attractive… cute name too?



Nope? Nothing? Null? Rien? Niente? Nicht? Nad? Ne? no reply? Nothing to say? 
Don’t have the cute name? 
lol. talk to me

I am definitely more than an interesting profile. Thanks for the compliments. My name is Ann. It’s common, not sure about cute?

Ann…such a nice, magical and charming name you have! 

 I recently got hold of a magic crystal ball and just asked it about you. 
Here is what I got…ready?

 You can be very romantic… attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances…try new sexual experiences and partners… provided it’s all in good taste.

Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating…otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving…cuddling… wining and dining to know that you’re being appreciated. 
Is it worth the pesos or should I return it…ask for refund?

Not sure my name is magical but okay… You got a few things right (they were fairly generic lol) but others are off.

Now, the funny thing Ann is…I don’t even need the crystal ball, I KNOW what kind of woman you are. 

You’re FUNNY… INTERESTING…and CHARISMATIC. I’m sure of it. Guaranteed!!!

 You’re the kind of woman that men DREAM ABOUT. 

You probably enjoy life… have fun whatever you’re doing; know what you want… etc. You’re probably successful in your line of work, have a life of your own… and on and on. 

 You’re also the kind of woman that most men have NO idea how to deal with. 

Most guys will turn you OFF within 3 seconds of the introduction, because they’ll start acting all nice, polite, and sweet. 

Uninspired and BORING!!! 

 I mean too much is too much! You do bore easy and like to be active, challenged and kept on your toes.



Again, some of what you say is right…

Nice… polite and sweet is okay to a point but you don’t want a sap, a shameless schmoozer, right? too much syrup rubs you the wrong way…right? It’s just that witty, charismatic, and renegade is better! you want someone who will appreciate your feminine side… treat you like a princess…a nice guy with a bad boy side… or a bad boy with a secret nice guy side…someone who will not sugarcoat it. you want is a MAN who is a masculine and confident at his core…but still a HUMAN BEING who you can relate to. you have such a little girl’s smile; it is so innocent. But I can tell from your eyes that you have an exciting…mischievous side to you.

I don’t like syrup at all actually. Manners, yes. Humour, intelligence, curiosity, passion. Yes, I have a feminine and professional side, as well as a mischievous side. And yes, I want someone who is confident as well.

yeah…it appears you have that shy, conservative side of you that keeps you a lady until you can trust and feel wanted and desired… I bet a lot of people think you are mature….but I know better. I can tell from your eyes that inside…you are really just a little girl….I bet your inner child is a juvenile delinquent. 🙂 I have to go to bed… for real… otherwise I will be a crying grump tomorrow. Sweet dreams Ann.

I’m not shy nor conservative. And I guess it depends on your definition, but any misbehaviour is not juvenile. Goodnight.

Good morning Ann…I hope the morning sun awakens your day to let it beautifully unfold…
I can also tell that you are someone who at times does not take chances…. and sometimes you want to shoot yourself in the foot because you did not have the courage to try something new… But other times you are adventurous and do take chances…and this is when you have the best time because this is the real you… right?

Why don’t you spend more time telling me about you?

Moi? I am everything you didn’t know you were looking for… well…I should tell you something. I’m that guy your mom warned you about. But hey, we both know that you never listened to her…

Why no face pics?

I have pictures to share … just keeping a low profile because of the kind of work I do. look… I am not for everyone. You should ask your doctor if I am right for you… Clinical tests show that I may cause fatigue… heart palpitations and disorientation. A general sense of euphoria has been reported in some cases as well as slight addiction tendencies. It is recommended you do not operate heavy machinery until you know how you will react to me. You should avoid taking alcohol and hang with me as the effect of the alcohol may increase the addiction. In general…be cautious! Any further involvement is at your own risks…

I don’t scare easily, although you do have a different approach and I’m rather cynical after dating online for a year, so not sure what to make of you. But I’m just busy with my son today.

I see you want me, and I kind of like watching you work for it. Keep it up, and maybe you’ve got a shot with me, cutie… but again… I am that guy from your dreams…the venom…the fatal virus…a bit of a maverick… independent…stable and adventurous enough to take a few risks every now and again…able to challenge you… excite you and intrigue you – all at the same time. I am friendly…smart and sweet… adventurous and passionate…I will make u crave me… I will make u wake up in the middle of the night and wish u were kissing my soft sexy mouth. No doctor’s prescription will help the cravings… Beside, you are not THAT adventurous… or are you?

You close to lost me with that first sentence. I have no patience for arrogance.

I have no intention being arrogant 🙂 I live my life flamboyantly, boldly, lustily and with passion and give it my best shot! and you Ann…do you have what it takes to seduce me?

I could ask you the very same question, but I wouldn’t, because it makes me sound arrogant and entitled. I don’t play games. Seduction is mutual and it starts with the brain. Most men can’t handle me – you were right about that. But I don’t put that all out there front and centre as a starting point. You haven’t even asked me what I’m looking for, yet you presume to be that person?

We are all looking for the same thing Ann. We just describe it differently. So we hang out, date…get to know each-other…become friends…and go from there. We gotta start somewhere. How about we aim for friends and anything after that is bonus?

I actually disagree. I have met many men who aren’t looking for the same thing at all. But perhaps you are aligned with me. I would like to see your face – can that be arranged?

Here is my email address should you wish to continue this conversation without this site as mediator. So why have you waited this long to find me? 
 I have been searching forever. Why have I been left alone at this pond reeling in bottom feeders?  Were you circling under the dock watching me? Were you studying my movements… actions… expressions so that u could fine tune your swim towards my lure? 
 Were you lusting for my delicate fingers to softly stroke your rainbow coloured fins?? Did my glistening sun-kissed cheeks beg for your lips to caress them? You may be in over your head with me lady.


So he sent me his face pic via email. If you were me, would you ignore this guy? What would you say to him next?

Online dating sites aren't for job hunters. Really.

Unbelievably, the same day that I got the FetLife job seeker email, I got this one on OK Cupid.

As I’ve said before, I’m ignoring most of the annoying or unappealing opening lines I get. But this one I couldn’t help but respond to… I mean, the kid is 19 and SOMEONE should probably tell him this is a bad idea.

OK Cupid Job Seeking

For the record, I didn’t respond again.

Last night while catching up on the Walking Dead I decided to open up my Plenty of Fish profile again. It had been a long time and there hasn’t been any cream rising to the top on OK Cupid. On FetLife I’m having an interesting conversation with a cross-dresser and learning a lot. There is also a younger man who I may meet for a drink after work next week, but that’s it.

This morning I woke up to a whole bunch of “so-and-so wants to meet you” emails (clicking on “want to meet you” is the laziest form of letting someone know you are interested), and a few messages in my inbox. One from an attractive, tall Italian man who also proved to be rather witty. Instead of constantly texting him, I told him I had to get back to my son and we would connect later. Last year I would have kept up an ongoing conversation throughout the day.

So yes, I’m on WordPress right now, but I’m leaving y’all as well to go back to wrapping presents with my son. It’s my last day with him until Christmas at lunchtime and I’m determined to make the most of it!

Fet Life Flouder No. 4 | The Job Seeker

This one made me feel a little sad and totally creeped out at the same time.

The first message that came in from this 54 year-old “Top” with a spanking fetish was kinda cute:

“Hello. I just wanted to say hello as I stumbled upon your profile and you piqued my curiosity…. Spank ya later ;o)”

And as you may remember, given pique is so rarely spelled correctly, ever, I figured it warranted a response. I said:

“I can’t tell you how much it pleases me to have someone spell “pique” correctly 🙂 What is it about my profile that interests you?” 

No response.

No matter, I was moving on. But then a couple of days later, I get this:

“How are you ???…

You indicated By day your a straight laced executive…

Honestly…. seriously… may i ask?..

I humbly have to share I am embarrassed to share that I am unemployed and could use a little help if you inclined or have some thoughts productive advice I would be appreciative…

I can’t believe how insulting it is to be told repeatedly your over qualified over experienced.

If you are sincerely interested in being helpful, I could pass along my LinkedIn.

Thank you.”

I felt bad for the guy. But I didn’t respond.

The next morning, I get this:

“Hello me again…

First off I trust I have not upset you with asking for help as it is difficult to ask for help in the first place..

So on FL your not interested in online play ( ya who is?) or a casual encounter what is on your mind or what would you like to experience?”

I still didn’t respond. Then he sent me a friend request. And another message with his LinkedIn profile web address. WE ARE ON A FETISH SITE. Ugh.

I needed him to stop.

So I sent the following back to him: “I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I’m sure it is very frustrating. I wish I was in a position to help you but unfortunately I am not. I do wish you all the best, however. Both work wise, and here.”

And I rejected his friend request.

Next message from him, an hour or so later: “Your not going to add me as a friend here?”

Sigh.

Then ANOTHER message, an hour after that:

“Do you any colleagues who may be helpful.

I appreciate your thoughts but you can understand this is a site about sex and relationships and I am sort humbled by asking a stranger for help … Please understand how difficult that is.”

And again, an hour after that:

“I hope I have not upset or offended you ..

I guess I just need someone to talk to as an understanding friend.

And, he sent me another friend request. Now, I’m definitely not responding to him. But I’m torn as to whether to block him.  Is this super creepy or just sad?

—————

Postscript: I declined his friend request, but he didn’t stop. He sent me another two emails over the next two days. Finally I just had to block him. How could I not?

Sweet bloody hell. I'm your dating counselor now? (Shenanigans)

Previous Post

If you don’t know who I mean when I say P / Shenanigans, and you want to waste some time, then follow the lovers link and read the stories about this guy.

This story stands on its own, though.

All you probably need to know is that we had sex with each other off and on over the last year. I haven’t actually seen him in person since before March at least. We never saw each other again because inevitably he’d be an asshole and we would get into arguments that meant we stopped texting for a little while. But he would always pop back up at some point.

The last time, I told him I was going to block his number so he would leave me alone. He said he would delete my information if I wanted, but asked me not to block him. The last two text messages I sent him were: Continue reading

FetLife Flounder No. 2 | Oops, I'm Married

So, FetLife.

Soon after I heard from the Cynic-Hater, I got a message from guy whose avatar is him having anal sex with another man.

We messaged back and forth a little bit. At one point he asked if he was too slutty for me. I told him no, that my own sluttiness was hampered only by opportunity. Which I actually think is true – although I do have some standards.

He said things like: “I would prefer to have one partner as well, with whom I have a strong connection. The problem though, in my experience, is that after six months or so of serious dating, when a woman starts to fall hard for me, she typically wants to put the swinging on hold. I sort of get it. Watching a guy you merely like fuck another person is kind of fun. Watching someone you LOVE do it… well, that is hard for some.” Continue reading

My first FetLife Flouder (yes, this will be a series) | The Cynic Hater

Flounder = to struggle to move or find ones footing

Flounder = type of fish

See what I’m doing here? 

In my post about the trouble I got up to one day in bed, I think I mentioned I also joined FetLife. For those of you unfamiliar, it was a site created by a Canadian (which should not be a surprise since Canadians also invented Ashley Madison, and Lavalife, one of the earliest online dating sites) as an online community for those in various fetish lifestyles. Perhaps it’s those long winters they suffer through.

I joined because a few people I know, Andrew included, are on the site. Andrew said it would be a good place for me to do some research and learn a bit more about the “community”. I knew he had also met some lovers there. And I was bored. Continue reading