It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?

Previous Post

I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.

While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?

I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested? Continue reading

I’m not smitten.

I’m back from my beach vacation with Leo. Despite it being a relaxing time, my brain constantly buzzed. It’s still buzzing, cycling through thoughts of men, needs, past relationships, and what it is I really want.

I planned to write yesterday but instead stayed in bed most of the day catching up on social media and work emails. I spoke to my Mom for an hour and gave her the lowdown. She gave me lots to think about, as always, commiserating on the downside of our shared analytical nature.

Why do I have anything for my brain to be buzzy about? I’m not smitten with Leo. Continue reading

Passing a chemistry test.

Previous Post

The next morning around 10:30 Drew sent me a text: “Good morning.. Hope your having a great day so far”. We texted off and on throughout the day, and feeling positive that seeing him two nights in a row wouldn’t be weird, so I told him if Wednesday might not be able to work I was happy to see him that night. He was keen but needed to sort out work – he’s in a creative industry much like Tony where his schedule is rarely known in advance, nor is when his day ends.

It didn’t work out, which was completely fine, and he was very appreciative I was chill about it.

He sent proactive texts that day and the next. I asked if he was still good to get together that night and he told me he “would love to see” me. It felt nice.  Continue reading

The first date with Drew

Previous Post

It wasn’t that he didn’t look like his pictures, but the way he was animated in real life was ever so slightly different. And when he opened his mouth in a big smile to greet me, I noticed he was missing a tooth.

I immediately thought of Ariel, and if you haven’t read that story, you should.

I also told myself not to be so bloody superficial and to just give it a chance. Off we went. Continue reading

Intellectual, physical, and emotional chemistry. 

It’s been two weeks since I met Sevag. Only two weeks, even though we’ve seen each other more than ten times in that time frame. Is that like dog age dating? Each week is like seven? Perhaps. Even so, I’m challenged to explain (to me, to Sevag, and to my friends) how there are some things which just feel so right and so perfect, and others I’m still wary of.

I was at a sporting event with a close friend this week. I told her some of the things he’s told me, like “I’m falling in love with you, Ann”, and at first she, like everyone else, scoffed at the sentiment and his presumed impulsiveness. “Who could say such a thing so soon?” is the common refrain. I didn’t defend him other to say we did have a strong connection and he speaks from the heart.

Then later, I mentioned where he was from. He’s middle eastern, for those who have asked. Continue reading

What is chemistry, and how I know it's there.

After so many discussions and comments relating to chemistry, as a result of my first date with the Accountant post, I did a bit of research.

Some people thought of chemistry as predominantly a physical thing – but it’s more than that for me. I also realized I experience chemistry with new people I meet that aren’t romantic possibilities – so its definitely not that I want to get in someone’s pants.

So I looked it up. An article on Psychology Today online (credited below) says the core components of both friendship and romantic chemistry include non-judgment, similarity, mystery, attraction, mutual trust, and effortless communication.

I had to take the dating comparisons out of my head to think about the kind of people with whom I click. Effortless communication is a big one for me – I like confidence, a quick wit, and verbal banter. This was a key difference between my FetLife date from the others.

The balance of similarity and mystery is an interesting one – I really enjoy talking to people who do different things than I, which piques my curiosity. I love to learn. But perhaps the similarity comes on a different level… I will have to think about this some more.

Then I wondered if people experience chemistry the same way. The article said people were more likely to experience friendship chemistry if their personalities were open (e.g., adventurous, imaginative, and emotionally in-tune), conscientious (e.g., competent, disciplined, hard-working), and agreeable (e.g., friendly, cooperative, and considerate). It went on to say that openness and conscientiousness were key determinants of romantic chemistry as well, but agreeableness was less important.

I am certainly open and probably conscientious.

What really struck me (my heart, especially), was the author’s rumination whether chemistry involves something that cannot be explained by science. She believed it could be caused by a spiritual connection, remembering the future, or destiny.

There’s definitely much more to say on the topic, but I wanted to share these definitions with you as food for though. When you think about having chemistry with someone, does this list resonate?

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/more-chemistry/201108/relationship-chemistry-can-science-explain-instant-connections